Crestfallen

Teasing me to no end... Isn't that what best buds are for?

I've taken time off from my regularly scheduled righteous pursuits and decided to fall down a big, black rabbit hole. My favourite kind, and I'm a pretty naughty rabbit. Swallowed by the darkness, I felt the rush of excitement in my veins and the rapid beating of my heart next to the warmth of my misguided desperation.

i want young love
living in a fantasy world
dreaming about your eyes
pools of ocean water

Gundam Roleplay

Oh my Jesus Yamato, I can't believe I started this fun, freestyle roleplay with a colleague/friend from work. Well, here's one way to get the creative juices flowing after so many years, amirite??? O_O

Errel Wilson was a Shaw Gundam Pilot. He was a tough and no-nonsense individual. One of his colleagues, Karen Yuen, was tired of being forced into the Shaw Leos. Because of this, she started coming up with plans to "off" herself, in the attempt to escape from the abyss foreverrrrrrr. Karen's plans did not bode well for Errel, who always found unorthodox ways to stop Karen's insane kamikaze missions.

One day, Karen hatched up a devious plan to ask out Duo Maxwell in the hopes that "seeing" him would result in her... death.

"Errel, you can't stop me!" she exclaimed, and threw on her headset to make an outbound call to 1-800-GODEATH.

"H-hey, is this Duo?"

"Sure is!"

Karen took a deep breath and blurted out, "WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO ON A DATE WITH ME?"

Prudent

I wanted to write a story and things have been brewing in my mind, but nothing concrete. Maybe I'll revisit this another time, yeah?

OK, so what do I even want to tell? I've effectively numbed myself to the point where I don't feel sadness anymore. I've learned to repress that, and well. Sure, things disappoint me, but they don't shake me to the point of being inspired, either. Art never comes from happiness, you know?

But life has been static and although a lot of things and people have made me very happy, I never want to create when I'm happy. I want to create when I'm sinking in the lowest pits of despair. I suppose that's why I can't write anymore, huh?

it was a real love, a summer love
i met you in the summer
it was a real love, the kind of love
an angel undercover

True Form

Isn't this the most amazing fanart of me you've ever laid eyes on?

Ummmm yeah, that gorgeous Ace Trainer is none other than yours truly, Karin Strife! That's my codename, after all. All Gundam pilots have one, huh? Why not Pokemon trainers? (Exactly -- here's lookin' at you, Lockon!)

I am really thrilled at the pose and how the artist decided to portray my Tyranitar and shiny!Flaaffy. Although they did decide to take artistic liberty when it came to my hair; it's not nearly so gray and voluminous, is it? And certainly the ends are not tinged pink, haha. But overall, I'm really happy with this drawing, and I do believe it looks like me dressed in the outfit of my Pokemon Go avatar.

Hard Style

so i mean i used to, and i believe i still, love partying. and by partying i mean going out for a night on the town. dress up nice (read: provocatively) and drink and dance the hours away in a dark room surrounding by gyrating bodies.

but, i really don't know if i can return to that sort of worldly indulgence. it's hard to feel safe in a club/rave environment, and a part of me has always felt anxious before an event. probably because i know that going out late at night, to the place where the animals go, is detrimental to spiritual growth. i'm torn, because while i do enjoy the music and flashy outfits, scripture literally instructs us not to behave/dress in that way. and i believe that a demure lifestyle is more befitting my base personality anyway. it's a slippery slope because i have been awakened and my eyes are opened. what can i do?

if i could go with someone i trusted, then maybe things would be okay. but in those nightlife environments, people are always either predators or prey. people can't even protect themselves from the darkness.

At night I
I do crazy things at night
I'm not gonna lie
There's something about the dark side that
Constantly, I keep getting attracted to it
I don't wanna let go
Maybe I should change and well
Maybe I shouldn't
But one thing's for sure
I'm always gonna be me

Sunburnt

You're the one 'til my tan fades away 
Get on a train and we'll be strangers again

^ Secular music is so depressing. I feel it is so because we all feel lost and long for connection while dwelling on this earthly plane. And we try to pacify ourselves with relationships that are empty and devoid of real love (affection) and we all pretend we are okay with this, preferring to pretend to be strong when really, we all long for real love and lasting and meaningful connections.

So, I've taken the liberty of doing an edit...

You're still the one when my tan fades away
Seasons will change, but love will always remain

How bou' dah???

Spiritual

i love to see you laugh
the way your head tilts back
your face lit up with joy
eyelashes brushing cheekbones
 thoughts floating
 stray wisps i can't capture
 writhing, all i can do
 floating in the expanse
 my heart and body struggling
 i try not to think about
 why is it these sorts
 make us feel the most?

sometimes i wonder if people can see right through me. if i am, in fact, the person everyone is warning me about, warning me against. actually myself. and i know that's true, i know i have traces of being that faraway person.

but, as i am aware of this fact, i can change. anything can change, contrary to popular belief. nothing stays the same in life, after all! and that gives us hope. isn't that a lovely thing?

i've been feeling a bit worn out from holiday obligations. i haven't finished writing all my christmas cards and now, because i've left things too late, they won't arrive to some recipients until after christmas, it seems. but that's of little importance, isn't it? i don't know. look at me, i can't even capitalize my own words. but this is a space for expression, so i indulge in however way i see fit.

brother ed gave me a book, a book that i am reading and trying my best to absorb. it's going to be an eye-opener, i can just tell.

last night the new winter heroes came out for FEH, and i pulled the winter lord Ephraim as well as another winter Chrom. i swear, i love these Christmas boyes. although Ephraim's art isn't really my fave, he's still dashing and 'gallant' as always. man... i remember playing Sacred Stones in elementary school. i was just a wee babe back then, wasn't i? clueless, naive, and perhaps even confused. but i still liked what i liked, haha, and i cling onto it to this day, don't i?

Facets

protection
familiar waves
vibes
familiar eyes
moments
drain dry
happiness, loveliness
-necessities
no guarantees
sleepover
whys?
reason?
no 'no's'
yes
dreamy sky
change
never be the same
someone will
understand

lol so did i tell you that my friend r aka "ginoza-kun" bought me the lockon stratos statue for christmas? haha... he's bought me all of my most prized figures. m&m, t.k., and now lockon. ughhh well although i see m&m and t.k. as more of my sons than anything else, lockon is most definitely not in the son category. h-hey, there's boys you put into the son category, and there's men you put into the husbando category. and i'm sorry but neil dylandy i would totally date you. UHHHH--haaaahaha, yeah so what? the fangirl is back and in fact has never even left the building. blink blink.

although isn't it so odd now that noctis is like 20 and i'm like 27? sure, cloud can still be around 24~25 but the older i get, the funnier it is that teenage karin actually had crushes on these fictional guys. hey, well they're dreamy, and they're an escape from reality; most people like love stories, and romance--that's all been such a big part of our culture for generations. since the dawn of effin' time. they're like the actors in dramas ok.

and omg wiki just told me cloud's official birth year is 1986. so hey, i'm '91 so technically i'll just tack a year on for each of my own, eh? lol i don't know why i'm even trying to rationalize this fantasy to you. i guess the older i get the more self-critical i've become. is this normal?

wow is dis a young baby noct? see here i would file him into the "son" category, not unlike roxas. must protecc, lol. and i can see he exists in the time of emo-hair bois, because wow look at that hair. someone throw some 'my chemical romance' on, quick!

Party Time

wow, last night's office party was a BLAST! i had such a busy saturday and weekend in general, but let's try to paste it all here for recollection's sake in the future. today was a good day, and yesterday was really fun too.

karin's day-- SAT+SUN EDITION

so yesterday i woke up early to make my father breakfast, as he returned to vancouver the evening before. i whipped up scrambled eggs with ham and seared cherry tomatoes and buttered toast. we had coffee and bonded for a bit. later my friend picked me up for an afternoon session of dnd with pizza at another friend's place.

then, after hours of adventuring i had a work christmas party and WOW i got wasted. well, not entirely but pretty drunk. and shenanigans happened, oh boy did they happen... paa~rt~ayyy was my whole persona.

"can u hold dis, thx"

ya gurl knows how 2 move

even one of the supervisors hit on me. like, hard. i hope he doesn't uhhh make it weird for me at work? everyone was wired. j drove me home and i thanked him for taking care of me. BUT HERE'S THE HILARIOUS PART--

drunk karin really took care of me that night. i took my fancy earrings off and replaced them with my studs. i spilled wine on my dress so i sprayed the dress with stain remover, scrubbed and soaked it in the bathtub before i crawled into bed and passed out. so wow... thanks for taking care o' me, drunk me!

the next day i went to church with my dad and spent the time with my beloved 'bodyguards'/church fam. then Jo and i went to have lunch with my parents and i and we feasted on a lot of food. then we visited my sister's new apartment and WOWza is midori a beautiful apartment. i'm envious but i'm also certain my time will come, someday!!!

Desert

i can't be my real self here anymore. i can't let anything flow forward, but there isn't anything to hold onto either. a lone girl cries, alone after all the sand flows through her fingers.

Untitled Work

A LOT OF THE THINGS i used to care about, i don't really care about anymore.
i guess nothing really quickens my heartbeat the way it used to when i was younger.
maybe about a decade ago, things would have been different, and would have meant something. but the more i go on, the more i feel nothing matters, or that nothing instills passion in my heart. yeah... i guess what i'm trying to say is that nothing inspires me. you know? as chuck palahniuk once said... "art never comes from happiness". nor does it appear to come from contentedness, in my case.

i have no stories to tell. i have no stories left. my life is routine and mundane. i feel like all i ever do is repeat this mantra over and over.

before i was angst and wrote about love and the lack of it or a distorted perception of it. but now... now i know if someone doesn't love me, then whatever. it doesn't hurt me, and it's not my loss or their loss, but perhaps it's simply a lack of compatibility.

things i've been looking at today... since it's christmas, i should think about treating myself, yeah? or not since you know, i treat myself all the time. BUT STILL, look at this cute l'il baby Shigure figure. i just love the casual dress they put the shipgirls in, as opposed to their regular designs.

i'm thinking about buying this figure since it's relatively cheap. but i'm supposed to be saving monies. well, i've always been bad at that anyway, plus it's christmas so... what can ya do?

Waves

I don't know why I feel so unstable about various aspects in my life. I gauge my progress based on my past self, and I do feel myself improving. It's so uncomfortable; I feel like I'm breaking bone and setting it back.

But it only takes one small blow for me to buckle and flinch.

Our company director came to shadow me and I saw God's blessing shine on me again. Thank you, I am grateful for the chance to be noticed in my career--even though I was casually dressed like a scrub in a UNT hoodie and fleece sweatpants. I need to start formulating my own goals, and stand on my own two feet even if it hurts. I need to take the same advice I provide for my friends.

Breakthrough

So, as you all probably know, I've started this new journey towards spiritual growth. Abiding, or striving? There's a lot of things I have to choose to give up, and I'm happily giving those things up to improve myself. Which sadly means, no more erotic fanfiction unless I get further notice. I apparently shouldn't indulge in the creation of ... inappropriate materials. o__o" I mean, I was dabbling in it for fun; I don't think writing it controlled my life in any way and I wasn't obsessed by it, but... I think it's easier to let it go than wonder if writing that stuff hinders my growth.

We live in a pretty fallen world, huh? I wish I didn't have to worry.

Anyway, this last week I've had two more friends confess that they have romantic feelings for me. HAHA... I don't know why this keeps happening, I guess people are lonely during the holiday season. And I don't know how to respond, other than "Thank you for being honest, I can't return your romantic feelings but I return all the other feelings you have for me..." Isn't that a pretty textbook response? I truly don't get what my friends see in me; I'm so flawed. I'm not that pretty. I have so many messed-up areas in my life... and they know it, too. I shared so many of my thoughts and experiences with them, but despite getting a glimpse at my feelings and flaws, they're still drawn to like me? Pretty mind-blowing, to think that others would see me as "hecca cute". But if that's popular consensus then... who am I to argue with what the people see or feel?

Meanwhile... My heart has been aching, because I've been yearning for something that I'm too weak to reach out for. I'm just going to sit on my ass until I receive proper instructions on how to proceed, haha... I mean, I'm just one big embarrassing blob.

I've been tearing myself apart in the search for answers about where I need healing. I can't always be completely transparent to everyone on this public blogging site, but I struggle a lot with being cool, calm, and collected. I have a lot of energy within me and I need to exercise self-control. I am also pretty prideful and impatient, and easily irritated by others. So I need to learn to purge those negative qualities away, as well.

Catcher

every day is a new battle, y'know? and i see and feel my progression as i carve my own path through life. every day is a new day, until i am unafraid to face myself. what's hidden inside me... the prophecy is already clear, so i don't have anything to fear.

Like Me

i wanted to write a bit before bed, because it helps me clear my mind and i really do enjoy writing. it's for me, and documenting my thoughts, dreams, feelings and experiences is therapeutic and delightful.

although this is an online personal blog, i also have a journal that my aunt gifted me. i use that to write private thoughts and feelings that i keep to myself. sometimes, i wonder what would happen if anyone read my journal; what would they think of my thoughts? of my life? usually, when i write in that journal, i address my thoughts and feelings to God; it's like a prayer journal.

i'm kinda embarassed to post any real/concrete story ideas online but... perhaps...

27 Again

Okay, so the inspiration train died. XD Which was to be expected, because all I can really handle is writing little bits and pieces here and there.

ANYWAY, I really wanted to document something special that happened to me on Thursday! At work, I received a brilliant surprise from my colleagues! My supervisor brought me to the 9th floor, where everyone gathered together to reveal this beautiful pink pokeball cake!

So lovely!!! *_* My friend baked it!!!

I was moved to tears, which honestly isn't hard for me lol. But it really and truly made me realize how blessed I am. So many people notice and care about me, even if I wasn't aware of it! Senpais notice me!

The cake itself was delicious and I really enjoyed the icing and the texture. Man... I needed to seep in the afterglow of this fabulous surprise, so I was feeling starstruck the rest of the evening. Many people thought it was my birthday, which of course it wasn't. xD But hey, it's rare for someone to get a just because! cake! But me, I got one! Wow!

This reminds me of the beautiful birthday weekend I had, which I never blogged about. Well, my 27th birthday landed on a Friday, and I had the most wonderful dinner at Harthouse with my family and best friend since elementary school, Jessica.

Then, on the Saturday after, I held a Pokemon-themed birthday party where we went to Rocky Point, had fish and chips and I opened presents in the sunny park like a 12-year-old! I even had a Togekiss Pinata!

I was very reluctant to smash the beautiful Togekiss~

He was very happy to smash the pinata, however!

I guess I got a special day(s) in July and also now again in November. I'm truly thankful for all the blessings I'm receiving throughout the years!!! Let's keep the ball rolling~~

Knife

what is coming to mind at this moment?
nothing but pure bliss.
not pure but
bliss in the worldly sense
a sense of
missing purpose

i'll always miss my memories. familiarity is comfort. i miss my youth, i miss naivety, i don't want to be an adult. yet, although i would consider myself possessing the body of a youth, my actual years are far from that of a young girl's.

sometimes, i wonder if my memories were ever even real. if i've ever really loved as much as i have, hurt as much as i have. i think back on my high school infatuations and feel... like they could have easily been a dream. everything is so far away now, things could very well have been something from another universe.

i'm the same, and at the same time, different. hard to explain... but it's true. a catalyst, ever changing, within myself.

At Peace

What did I want to say today? Well, despite feeling under-the-weather, I peeled myself out of bed and got ready to go to church. Leanne told me she was going to sit in service with me, which was added motivation, but I've come to see going to service as my devotion to God. I believe going to service for him and meeting him in the church would please him, as God calls us to form a community together, and we are the "body" to Christ's "head".

We had a Remembrance Day service, and it was grand. The choir sang with live music, and I sang along diligently with Leanne at my side. Pastor Ken gave a great sermon, along with a guest speaker who is a wonderful photographer; I got her business card.

Every time Pastor Ken sees me, he always greets me by name, mentions my baptism, and informs me that he's been praying for me. I really appreciate him taking the time to make me feel special and loved! He's a really great guy for always doing his best to show that he cares, even though he's kind of a big deal, ya know?

I'm so happy I found Tenth Church. In the couple of churches I've attended, I've never felt as "at-home" as I do in Tenth. After all, I felt comfortable enough to get baptized here! I have so many friends, but of course my best friend there is Leanne. We're just like sisters, and she's my beloved big sister. I can't sing her praises enough, because she's always guiding me and supporting me and it's so easy for me to get along with her.

After service, I initially wanted to go for lunch with a group of church friends, but Leanne didn't feel keen on that idea. She thought it would just be her and I, which was fine with me! I bailed on the other group and we walked to Nuba, which serves healthy Lebanese food.

Delicious food w/my big sis!

I helped her practice lines for her audition, which was also super fun. She really appreciated it. Then, we saw some open houses with her husband and went downtown to buy a birthday present for my mum. All in all it was a very wonderful day. I'm really thankful, even though I'm still feelin' sick! I'm tucked into bed with a cup of hot tea and bloggin' now, so when I sleep in a bit I'm sure everything will be fine.

In life, I know there are always things beyond my control. The tides are always rising and waning; people will walk in and out of our lives regardless of whether we want them to or not. But truly I believe that what is meant to be, will be. And I'm grateful for the people that have stayed in my life for all these years. It's comforting to know that if I need support, I have trustworthy friends who will bolster me and raise me up, along with my loving family. I'm so fortunate to be blessed and I can only pray that it lasts for ever and ever, until the day when I am finally called home.

Neverland

Perhaps it was a dream, I thought. Perhaps if I pinched myself, I would wake up. But I didn't want to wake up. I wanted to stay in this dream world, where I could be with the characters I loved forever.

---

Sunday mornings were always the busiest for us. We lived in a center-entrance colonial brick house, one of many that lined the streets in our small town. Though our home wasn't a big space, we found great joy in spending time together. Every day was an adventure.

"Hurry up now, we're going to be late," I chided gently.

I watched in amusement as Nowi, a petite girl with long blond hair, struggled to pull on her thigh-high boots. She nearly toppled over in the process.

"I'm ready!" she finally announced, straightening up with a smile.

"All right then. Shall we go?"

"Yeah!"

I took her hand and we bounded out the front door. The crisp fall air entered my lungs, filled with the scent of pine and fresh rain.

"Brr! It's cold!" Nowi complained, clutching her slender arms to her chest.

Laughing, I pulled off my scarf and wrapped it around her head.

"You're the one that chose to wear a frilly pink dress instead of a proper fall outfit. Like, a sweater or something."

"Sweaters are totally not my style, you know?"

"Then you get what you get."

When we got to the church, it was half past eleven. An usher standing by the entrance greeted us pleasantly.

"Good morning. Welcome."

"Hi, good morning!" Nowi chirped back.

I glanced around the foyer to see who was there, but most people were seated inside the sanctuary already. I pulled out my phone to check my messages. From beside me, a man with long hair and graceful features struck up a conversation with Nowi.

"Hello. I've seen you around before."

"Yeah! I'm Nowi. And you are?"

"Libra."

"Well Libra, nice to meet you! You have really pretty hair."

"Libra is a pastor here," I informed her in a warning tone. Sometimes, Nowi's casual attitude got her into trouble. "Be sure to mind your manners."

"Ahhh, Karin! You're not my mom! Don't forget, I'm the older one!"

Libra smiled at our silly antics. "It's a pleasure to meet you ladies."

"We'd better head inside now." I looked up from my phone. "Our friends are waiting for us."

"Talk to you later, Libra!"

As we entered the sanctuary, the melodious sound of voices singing drifted in waves over me. We squeezed our way past an older couple and spotted two familiar figures standing in the church pews. The taller of the two had her eyes closed as she sang, while the shorter boy awkwardly mouthed the words. He looked relieved to see us.

"There you are," Morgan whispered. "It took you long enough."

"You know Nowi likes to sleep in," I murmured under my breath.

Not skipping a beat, Nowi began to sing as well. As the congregation sang, our voices rose to join theirs in worship:

“The very thought of You fills my heart with love

You burn like wildfire and I am overcome 

Lover of my soul even unto death

With my every breath I will love You

You are my only hope and You my prize shall be

You are my glory now and in eternity” 

As the song ended, I reached out and touched Lucina's arm to alert her to our arrival. She opened her eyes and I was surprised to see that they were wet with tears.

I squeezed her hand. "Are you okay?"

"Do you think father is up there, in heaven?" she asked.

"Absolutely," I answered, without hesitation.

Pastor Libra took the stage and gave an exceptional sermon on how to balance work life with religious life. Numerous points he mentioned resonated strongly with me, as he urged for us to do our best to serve others.

"We should give our best in everything that we do," Libra declared. "When we love and serve our brothers and sisters, we are showing love to our almighty God."

---

After service, the four of us met up in the foyer.

"I'm not feeling well," Lucina said. She squeezed her eyes shut and held her fingers to her temples. "I'm gonna head home first."

I shot a glance at Morgan, who shrugged.

"We'll meet you at home, then," he said. "Get some rest, sis."

Once Lucina was out of earshot, he let out a sigh.

"She's always been like this, ever since our parents died. I mean, that's why she started coming to church. I think it helps her feel... closer to them, somehow."

"I'm sorry. I know it must be hard for the two of you."

"It's all right." His smile came out looking pained. I quickly changed the subject.

"Well! Why don't we find somewhere to eat lunch?"

"Yeah, I'm hungry." Nowi tugged at my sleeve. "Brunch?"

"Sure."

"Say, Karin."  Morgan pointed to a figure standing off to the side. "Does that guy know you?"

A feeling of unease suddenly seized me. I turned and met the gaze of a man staring right at me.

"No," I lied. The hairs on the back of my neck stood on end, as if the temperature in the room dropped. "Come on, start walking."

Nowi and Morgan, completely oblivious to my discomfort, did as told. They rounded the corner; before I could follow them, a hand clapped onto my shoulder and stopped me in my tracks.

"Where do you think you’re going?" an all too familiar voice asked.

---

Nobody really knew where Lucina or her brother Morgan came from, only that they were orphans. Lucina didn't talk much about her past. Her relationship with her boyfriend was tumultuous as well, to say the least; he had a terrible reputation as a Casanova. I felt sorry for her, but they were friends since childhood and had a deeply intertwined past. Who was I to interfere?

Fangirl: Phase II

OK, so I took a mini-hiatus from one of my long-time favourite games, FIRE EMBLEM: HEROES. And I guess I did this because it just wasn't interesting anymore ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ so for a while I played other games, but recently two friends have been updating me on the new stuff in the game so I popped back in to take a look.

The new banner is some sort of "dream" banner where l'il Azura dreams up her family members and dresses them in her style of clothing. LOL, right? I really don't like the outfits, personally. So I'm not tempted to reward IS with any real money. But at the same time, I'm not going to turn down MAIPONPON's art of Corrin in harem pants... hahaha!

HeeEEEEeeellOOooOOOo, yeeee boi gimme some fanservice.
Since FEH is a "horny casino" pandering mainly to the male gaze, it's refreshing to see some of it for women...like me...
Heh... ...What??? 

That and, did you know I actually had a dream about Corrin a while back, albeit in a different outfit? *screams* So uhhh... I'm reverting back to my fangirl ways to obtain whatever shred of motivation I have to create things. Because original content is so far behind me now, ha-ha.

What else did I want to say... Well, I'm at work right now and I am hella tired. So tired. My brother spent the night talking on the phone and despite my protests, he was really loud. So, I'm running on coffee and reserve energy until I can go home in... LOL, I've barely been at the office for an hour.

Someone help. Lol. *struggles*

Spherical

"what a horrible night to have a curse..."
(although i suppose no night would be a good night if one is cursed...)


once again, i'm having trouble...

sitting in the night, unable to create anything of substantial value, even in my own eyes. what trickery is this, that i used to create worlds with ease, and that has all faded away like a worn photograph?

perhaps being an artist is not truly my calling. all i'm familiar with is dulling my senses and turning away from the truth.

nothing is comfort. everything is uncomfortable. and yet, i chase discomfort. we all do. it is inevitable. wanting to be something. haha, i'm so deep sometimes, aren't i? i feel like we all have the capacity to express ourselves and put something forth from our thoughts, but a lot of us aren't trained to do this and don't hone the skill enough.

anyway, another night where i ain't got nothin'! ciao ciaooo

Choco Baka

GAHHHH look at this year's SHU UEMURA collaboration. Iiiiit's... chocolate!!!
Which means my wallet is not safe. I want the eyelash curler, eyeshadow palette AND EVEN THE BRUSH SET! Yes, that's right fam, I love the holiday collections the brand puts out every year.

Well, you know what I'm splurging on this year, huh?

Speaking of things... I went out clubbing with a friend and ended up making a drunken fool out of myself, as I know is fully capable of me. Ugh... I wish I didn't always do that. But it feels great to let loose once in a while, no matter how damaging the fallout is. YOLO, right?

Anyway, I gained a little insight on why my life is the way it is, particularly my odd and varied social circles. Grace, it's all grace, isn't it fam?

Light Feelings

I'm in love with an ideal, I think. I'm not sure yet, because I haven't journeyed far enough down the path to know for sure. But it seems to me that I keep making the same mistakes, even though I consciously know I should be doing better.

I stretch my arms out for help, but remain unsure of what that help looks like. All I know is that my sister Leanne is supportive of me, and tells me what I'm going through is normal, but the ache, that dull soreness, reminds me that I've done... things that are not righteous. And for those things, I'm not sure. I know they're wrong, but they feel... they make me feel placated, like dressing a wound with a bandage.

I need grace. I have grace. But... can I change? Am I changing?


Friends from my neighbourhood group have gotten together to play a homebrew campaign of DnD. I really enjoy it! My character is Maya Sho, a ranger and daughter of the Sho Clan in Morinville. The party consists of a wizard named Ames Sterling (Fey), a blacksmith cleric named Kallaheid Montauk (Vinn), Fergus the paladin (Jon), and Casey Sho (Kim's rogue).

We go to explore the strange deaths of cattle on Bertha's farm, discovering horrors that lead the party into our rival clan's territory. It's a lot of fun and I can't wait for our next session on Sunday.

Lune Rogue

show me where the light stays
meet me on the highway 

i wish i could create something to move others. i wish i could move myself. i'm trapped and lost at the same time.

what can i do to break out of my own mind? life is, good. or is it, bad?
life is filled with endless torments, and yet, i yearn for the brief moments where the sunlight breaks through the cracks in the broken window of my heart.

Blinding Light

pressure that's meant to break me
is strength to me now
fire burning, and i'm a flame
inside me, a heart gone silent
is beating again

i got faith in love again
in a place that was hurting
i got faith in love again
and i am unbroken

--faith in love / kokiri & dragonette

I woke up today and felt gloomy. Yesterday was fine, but today felt like I woke up on the cold, hard floor. Last night I was reading Corinthians and Ephesians, lamenting over the fact that we please God when we proclaim our love for Him, and we must strive to eternally sing his praises and show our gratitude to His mercy. However, this tires me. I'm only a human being, I'm not Jesus. Jesus never sinned, and he was sacrificed so that we would be saved, and I'm not saying I'm not grateful or that I don't love Jesus. But surely God understands the limits of mortality in this broken, fallen world? I've sinned and I am a sinner, I will sin until the day I die.

I need to investigate further. There's still so much I don't understand. I know God loves me, that I am a child of God, and that everything in life happens due to His divine grace. I shouldn't fear trials, death, humility, or serving others. But this bends me backwards; human nature's baseline is selfishness, IMO. It takes colossal strength to go against the current, especially in a society that encourages selfishness and vanity.

I am... hoping that one day I can feel like I can love and trust again. I'm starting to realize that I never did. I don't know what love is! I've always maintained that I know familial love, love for family and friends for example, or even pets. But romantic love escapes me. Perhaps I'm afraid of it. I like being in control, and falling in love is too vulnerable and frightening for my fragile heart. I understand this and know this, and I am working actively to correct this.

Humility... ugh. So uncomfortable! But I must continue to live to serve.
I understand that I have a purpose here on earth; I don't feel that everything is meaningless.

Long Time Coming

Hello... it's me, writing from the abyss. This broken world...
And I don't really have anything to say! I guess I should try and write like I did in old times, back 7 years ago. But I can't. My adult mind is crippled.

Maybe I should go play some bingo.

Faraway Home

Wow, my heart hurts tonight. (What's new, you say? Ugh.) It's a little past 3AM and I still can't sleep. I don't feel tired, there's an infestation of thoughts in my mind.

You are my favourite mistake

The one I keep loving to make

I can't stop myself from floating around in a dream world, and it hurts too much for my feet to touch the ground. Everyone coddles me, and I walk around pretending like I deserve it, flaunting my apparent selflessness. But... am I truly the "big sister" I long to be? Am I truly so selfless, now? The person I struggle to embody, versus the true person I am inside... they seem so different. Night and day, black and white. I can't fully open my eyes, no matter how hard I try. Who can see in the darkness?

Lately, I've been 
I've been thinking 
I want you to be happier

I should've stayed at home 

'Cause right now I see all these people that love me 

But I still feel alone 

Even though I might not like this 

I think that you'll be happier

I want you to be happier

I wasn't made for you 

And you weren't made for me 

Though it seemed so easy

I don't know what I'm doing, I'm floating in the ocean, aimless, distraught, treading water for show. I can't figure anything out, sometimes. I only have feelings, tons of overflowing feelings.

What would make me happy? If I could attain that "fairytale ending", that fairytale for show? Would I truly be happy then, or would I still be pretending? I can't scratch the itch that calls for my happiness. And it's quite upsetting, no matter how much I try to extend myself to aid and care for others.

I've worked for, and attained, the personal goals I've set for myself. I have numerous friends in different circles; church friends, work friends, school friends, and even two casual gaming friend groups. I'm an OG, a leader for the neighbourhood group of friends and everyone seems to be getting along swimmingly. So... what is it, then? Do I long to feel something, anything at all? Longing for something to come and sweep my off my feet, to show me something different from all I've ever known?

I pray that God leads me closer to him, and leads me closer to revealing His glory in me.

Love Triangle

Sometimes my mind drifts to whether or not Karelos and Cloud get a happy ending. I mean they're clearly meant to be, and have a fairytale relationship, but then she meets Noctis and has to fuck everything up. I mean I start to feel bad for Noctis because over time I think he really did get attached to her and he becomes quite protective of her which contrasts extremely with the way he treated her before.

All my friends think Karelos belongs with Cloud. Of course they would, as Karelos is my alter-ego, isn't she? Even after all these years. Anyway, no one has anything good to say about Noctis. Not Jessica, not Danni, not even Michi! Haha. It's hilarious how people willingly indulge my fangirling and treat it as if it's normal. I guess nothing is really normal, though.

But I feel like Noctis and Karelos are quite compatible because they both have this "dark side" of their personalities, you know. As if they want to enjoy all the worldly pleasures, but they do feel guilty about it but can't change. Karelos feels inadequate to Cloud's pure brightness, the way he's always kind and righteous. It can be tiring, can't it? Some people are good people and that warmth radiates from their core, but others need to put just a bit more effort. I feel that way, anyway.

So I don't know how I want to conclude this love triangle. I mean it's like a dating simulator with multiple endings: bad ending would be Noctis has the murder-suicide episode when Karelos tries to leave him, good ending would be Karelos breaks away from Noctis and ends up happily with Cloud with the white picket fence and kids. Or maybe she stays with Noctis and lives her life as a wealthy trophy-wife, who knows. And obviously I'm just borrowing the Final Fantasy characters as placeholders for my own characters. I mean whatever, I can write my fanfiction can't I? It's my blog and besides, 50 Shades of Grey started out as Twilight fanfiction so you just never know!

Rescue Me

spiritual awakening in my mind
losing my mind
stuck in my mind
my body moves with a mind of its own
distracted, thoughts flying
through my mind
my heart twangs in pain
anticipating pain
bracing itself,
making me feel so alive
so i can fall and feel

Wow, everything is crumbling and falling around me like melting skyscrapers. It oftentimes feels as if I'll never escape the turmoil and angst hidden within my own mind. My own privilege and good fortune are things I struggle to appreciate and come to terms with.

I try to write something, anything, in order to see myself as a writer again, if I ever really was one. But my adult mind is dulled, and my muse has died.

If only--

New Colours

Fading away, when you're drunk and alone
Can't see my face in your heart anymore
Telling yourself you don't feel like before
And that's when I run
All of these thousand miles
To get you back
Coming for you babe, I'm coming now
That's when I run
All of these thousand miles
To get you back 

--Thousand Miles / Tove Lo

"All right, good night. I love you too."

The dark-haired girl whispered sweet words under her breath, tightly clutching the cell phone to her ear. Sweat beaded from her palms as the call ended; she could already feel the familiar pair of eyes boring into her back.

"It always amazes me," he murmured, "how great of a liar you can be."

She neatly slid her cell phone into the black clutch hanging on her shoulder and turned to face him. The moonlight cast shadows onto his face that almost made him unrecognizable, but she could never forget those eyes. That handsome face offset by a perpetually cold gaze.

"That makes both of us, doesn't it?"

He smirked. "I'm not sure I'm on your level."

"Oh, I know. You're much worse."

"You think so?" He trailed his fingers along her forearm. "You should be more honest with yourself."

She shivered, taking a step backwards. No matter how good she was at playing the game, he easily managed to unnerve her.

"Anyway, I'm here," she said stiffly. "Exactly like you wanted. Now what?"

"One of your friends has something of mine. I want it back."

"I guess I have no choice."

"Of course not." He smirked. "We're business partners."

"Is that everything?" A sigh escaped her lips. "If so, we should get on with this."

Oblivion's Return

yesterday, i dived back into a world of many years. a world shared with a longtime friend, j. she is every bit as skilled of a storyteller as she was in the past.

our friends and i returned to the world of oblivion, where the characters all lived together in a castle and had numerous adventures. realities were suspended for hours, as if we were indulging in a movie marathon. i will always treasure our times together...

anyway. drabble i've written is behind the cut.
nothing really... just flowing forward from my mood.

Nothing Lasts Forever

“I’m with someone already, thanks.”

I backed away from the dark-haired man. His cold glare caused me to shiver. Those piercing eyes were like ice chips, so unlike the warm eyes Lukas had, which were filled with depth and emotion. They were truly opposite extremes, night and day.

He grabbed me. His voice was soft, but the underlying menace was unmistakable.

“It wasn’t a question,” he said simply. “You’re coming with me.”

“But the party—”

“Fuck the party.”

I choked on air as the grip around my arm tightened. He was undoubtedly stronger than me and capable of overpowering me easily if I refused to obey. I nodded feebly and he seemed satisfied. He promptly released me. 

I trailed behind him as we left the banquet hall, a feeling of dread sinking into my stomach. Where was Lukas? Surely he would be able to spring me from this situation! I peered around, but the blond was nowhere to be seen.

We stopped in front of an elegantly embroidered door, which was opened for us by a butler stationed nearby. Gloved white hands neatly produced a key which unlocked access to the room. Nero wasted no time in stepping inside. I hesitated, glancing back down the corridor for any sign of salvation.

No luck.

The butler quickly ushered me inside, possibly in fear of his master’s disapproval. The final ‘click’ of the door as it swung closed again seemed to signify my fate. There was no way I could slip away discreetly now…

Nero slid off his jacket, setting it on the back of a delicately carved chair that looked very costly, as did everything else in the house. He turned to me and motioned for me to come closer. I tentatively stepped forward, reluctant to leave my spot by the door.

“Don’t be afraid,” he said, in an eerily soft voice. “Come here.”

Every word was coated in honey. There was no telling what his intentions were when he used a voice like this; he could have been confessing his utmost affections or whispering words into a victim’s ear after having stabbed them. I wouldn’t put the latter past him.

He was a dangerous man. I could only wonder what he wanted with me.

New Hope

i can't help the way my mind keeps sinking into depths where i feel nothing matters. i struggle a lot with my mood and thoughts these days, but i suppose everyone does. i'm more vocal about it, because i'm largely a "center of attention" type of woman.

or maybe not everyone feels that way, and i'm wrong.

Moonlight Heart

promises of friday night fun never fails to bring me to the places where the animals go. all i can say is that this week, i've been "all play" and have been jammed in this mode for too long.

anyone's embrace could feel that way. 
anyone's kiss could feel that way. 
a topic being explored quite extensively.

what means something to me?
friends, family. food. jesus. (jesus should be first but hey, does that even have to be said?) but all-in-all, maybe the reason i'm so flexible is because i stand for nothing. i'm 'okay' with a lot of things... you can if you want to. do you want to do this? i assume that's why you brought me here...

does anyone refuse? hardly anyone refuses temptation.
so what does that make me?

a silly girl with musings.

people care about me; to what extent doesn't matter. i feel their love like a buoy, keeping me afloat in a sea of mundaneness. what scares me is how little anything means to me these days. my body, my feelings, my decisions. none of it matters because everything decays from the moment we set eyes on it. a toxic mindset i can't discard, yet.

Drift Away

i have a bad habit of rushing out and finding things. i went looking for what i wanted, and i found it. i always do. i even found a surprise around the corner. dragged into the high, thrust into the haze, dazed, a desire permeating from my mind like sweat through my pores. the life i chose. because i don't know how to live any other way.

a boy with dark hair, stricken with internal struggles. his dark eyes hidden by the flutter of his eyelids as he kissed me. it hurt; he hurt me. i knew from the dull pain in my chest as i struggled to convince myself that nothing mattered. but it did. it mattered because i wanted. but i could see through his lies. so i walked away.

Love Letters

an unforgettable night, 
an unforgettable light 
something so bright 
could never fade from my mind 

deep down inside,
i feel passion alight
twisting inside
the pain, clenching tight
the hope, taking flight 

tonight, tonight

--

twenty-seven

summer days
pass by in a haze
if only i could stay
in this moment always
young passions ablaze 

My Plan

Dreams will be dreams~ sometimes!

Wow, it's almost the end of summer. I'm sitting at a new desk with a pretty nice view. Life has been pretty stable and I feel pretty stable myself these days. I mean there are ups and downs where I falter, but overall I'm staying afloat and trying hard to survive through these work days.

I've been wanting to write, but I'm not inspired. What's new, right? Life is a dilemna in itself. All I can do is keep moving (or being pushed) forward by time. It's not something I have any control over.

What did I want to talk about? Well, I don't know. I still haven't found love, or any romantic love interest that could peak my fancy. And with the amount of trouble I got myself into in the past, this is for the best at this current point in time.

--

A girl, she was just a girl. 

Hindsight

Johto – July 2010

The world was different than before. Wild pokemon attacked children and adults alike, with attacks became more and more frequent and violent. Families were encouraged to raise pokemon so that they could defend each other as a team against the hostile creatures. 

However, there were fines and licenses that came with owning domesticated pokemon. Only wealthier families could afford to obtain and train pokemon and even then they were not strong (normal types: meowth, magikarp or rattata, bug-types).

Desperate to placate the rising public panic, the government funded a program that would assign each child starting from the age of ten a “starter”, which was intended to be a partner dedicated to protecting them from harm. The only catch was that each child who got a free starter from the govt was obligated to serve as a soldier in the Peace Patrol. For a time, only those with connections could even get their hands on a starter.

With people becoming desperate in such times, it was no wonder criminal syndicates such as TR surfaced to steal pokemon to make money.

---

Her name was Terra. Her brown hair matched exactly with the shade of the oak trees that grew surrounding New Bark Town.

Terra had two best friends; both were her next-door neighbours. Ethan and Maya. They both had dark hair, with Maya’s holding more of a bluish tint, and dark eyes. Maybe they were cousins; Terra didn’t know.

When Terra turned ten years old and finally received her first starter pokemon from the government program, she was opted into the the Peace Patrol.

The Peace Patrol was a global organization of Trainers. Each town or city had its own designated Peace Patrol group; New Bark Town’s team had members from Cherrygrove City as well. Their main job was to keep the neighbouring towns safe from raid bosses.

Raid bosses were wild pokemon that often appeared in the surrounding areas and were a threat to everyone’s safety. Fortunately, New Bark Town was a small town situated next to a rushing river. Only weaker raid bosses, classified as Tier 1 and 2, ever seemed to appear there.

Terra never wanted to be a soldier in the first place. No, she never imagined being placed in such a role. Working at a Pokemon Center, sure. But a soldier? She felt far too timid, too incapable of such responsibility.

Chikorita was her choice. The cute grass pokemon’s eyes and sweet scent captured her instantly. Maya chose the timid fire starter cyndaquil, who immediately curled itself into a ball in the girl’s arms. Ethan’s family ran a pokemon daycare and occasionally bred pokemon as well. He didn’t need a starter from the program; his grandparents gave him a marill, which was his favourite, but he was often in the company of many normal-type pokemon as well.

---

From a young age, Maya was spoiled. Her parents coddled her and provided her with everything she asked for. As she grew older, she began to realize how this affected her in negative ways.

She wasn’t as independent as Terra or Ethan; she even started her training much later than they had. As a result, she quickly became emblazoned with the desire to prove herself. Prone to being rash and stubborn, she trained hard and accepted battles from everyone. Most of all, she had heard the stories about the boy legend who had defeated the Elite Four and vanished before anyone could challenge him for the title. What better way to prove herself?

---

In the following years, Terra and her friends train daily, forming bonds with their pokemon and with each other. Together they fended off the weaker monsters. Terra and Ethan were paired together as patrol partners. Maya was paired with an older Trainer, who gladly took on the role of an older sister to her.

One summer afternoon, a Tier 4 monster is spotted in the vicinity of the town’s surrounding fields. It’s a frenzied Nidoking, stronger than any monster that had come to NBT. Maya immediately rushes to try and defeat it, but misjudges the situation and quickly realizes she and cyndaquil are no match. Terra and Ethan catch up with her to try and join the battle, but as trainees, the nidoking easily dominates the battle. 

A young man with an equally elegant ninetales rescue the three of them and they manage to scare off the nidoking. Though she is embarrassed at having needed to be rescued, Maya thanks the boy and the trio discovers his name is Lukas. He’s currently stationed in Cherrygrove City and works for the government, trying to investigate the cause of the frenzied pokemon.

Rose Hands

I hear you calling
I hear you call my name
Tell me you want me
Say that you feel the same
Stay with me, baby
And I will play your game 

--I Hear You Calling / DJ Licious

This day is weighing down on me pretty badly. It's only my Thursday, which means I have still have two days to go because I get a breath of fresh air in the form of a weekend. For some reason, I'm in a pretty foul temper and my body feels on edge. I can't seem to relax, but at least this adrenaline helps me deal with my job better. Powerin' through.

I stumbled upon another erotic anime/manga lol. I was really into "25-sai no Joshikousei" and "Guomin Laogong Dai Huijia", and now I've become entangled in... "Amai Choubatsu: Watashi wa Kanshu Senyou Pet".

Hahaha... well okay the plots of all these types of anime are so outrageous and hard to believe. NOBODY would get away with these types of situations in real life, but I suppose that's why they're an escape. A fantasy. I watch it with my belief suspended because that's kinda what you have to do when you're watching anime--and uhhhhh erotic stuff in general I suppose? HAHAHA.

Anyway my thoughts are... That the uniformed warden looks super polished but I guess despite the similarities to Akira from TnC in his soldier uniform, I can't really feel like I like him that much? I really like the red-headed yakuza dude better. And wow, Hina's boyfriend is totally lame and lackluster, I don't know why they added him. Probably only to have the NTR appeal... ahhhh. It's just wrong. People shouldn't be cheating, okay. That's not emotionally healthy. But then again here I am commenting this about an erotic anime so... I should throw all my rational out the prison window. Heh.

I don't typically dig redheads but can I get myself one of these bodyguards?

It's totally sad because he basically decides to protect the girl and falls in love with her but she doesn't like him. Ha. Well, I'm only on Episode 6 so really, who knows yet? A tattooed character is so refreshing. And hot. Lol. Sexy anime boys, anyone? But I'm betting that she ends up with the fancy uniformed warden boy.

The animation is shoddy at best but hey, at least um. Well... I watch what I want OK?!

As for updates on my life... I've been working and spending time with friends. I feel like I'm burning myself out with the amount that I'm stretching myself thin. I'm out until the early morning, return home to sleep, and then wake up for another day at work. I can't wait to use the upcoming Friday to clean and do my errands and actually sleep in.

For instance, Friday is my errand/family day where I'll be spending time with my father and having my early birthday dinner with the family; Alexis will be coming by as well. Then Saturday is raid day with the Valor fam, then I'll likely be helping my friend Leanne run a sample booth at IGA, and maybe seeing a movie. Then on Sunday I'm back at church, where I'll be serving that day. I just don't have time to spend with people... that's what it seems like, anyway~! But luckily I've been picked up by Fey and Danni and given a ride home for the past few days so... I'm truly #BLESSED! It's time for me to spread da luv.

Lucky Girl

Wow! Much gifts, such wow!

I'm so happy because my Valor boss/mentor and friend Fey gave me some early birthday presents!!!!!!!! I can't believe my birthday is already coming upon us, next week on July 13th. This year seems really blessed so far even if there were struggles. I'm really happy that I have some caring friends to carry me through hard times. :')

I've been stuck in the past/dark for so long... Maybe it's time I come out into the light and not be afraid to have some hope. I'm not gonna lie, I was hurt pretty badly by people I loved dearly in the past. It's happened to me before, and I'm certain I've also inflicted the same emotional pain onto others. But I want to acknowledge the pain and move on. For instance, I still remember how magical the world I created with Natalie was, and how much I was in love (passionately). Even with people that weren't healthy for me. But those times will live on in my heart even if... we won't see each other again. Maybe in heaven. I pray to grow from my experiences and become the best version of me that I can achieve.

It's not right but it's okay

I saw all the warning signs and heeded none of them
Ran all the red lights chasing my own heart
Maybe hoping

Breaking Down

I have a stalker. Lol.

This past week has been a doozy. I've gotten this young, silver-haired chick following me around like a Tharja. Literally inviting me out to drink with her and then following me home, drunk, to sleep over at my house and steal my clothes. (Am I ever going to see my t-shirt or sports bra again?)

Strange things in life always follow me around. But I try not to think too much about it. My life has been consumed with PoGo, church, and spending time with my friends and family. Oh, and planning for my birthday weekend!!!

I'm going to live in a hat until I re-dye my hair on my birthday. It hasn't really been a nuisance for me, seeing as I'm technical support in an office anyway.

Anyway... Check out these trapinches I drew~! They're going to be included in birthday invitations that I'll be sending out, hopefully by this Saturday.

It's been a long time since I've been inspired enough to draw anything... but being able to draw these four trapinches has really helped me with the stress I've been feeling these days. Life is hard... I feel like life is something I'm not quite sure how to navigate through properly. Right now, all I want to do is have a drink and write... but alas, I'll have to put that on pause until I get home.