Faraway Home

Wow, my heart hurts tonight. (What's new, you say? Ugh.) It's a little past 3AM and I still can't sleep. I don't feel tired, there's an infestation of thoughts in my mind.

You are my favourite mistake

The one I keep loving to make

I can't stop myself from floating around in a dream world, and it hurts too much for my feet to touch the ground. Everyone coddles me, and I walk around pretending like I deserve it, flaunting my apparent selflessness. But... am I truly the "big sister" I long to be? Am I truly so selfless, now? The person I struggle to embody, versus the true person I am inside... they seem so different. Night and day, black and white. I can't fully open my eyes, no matter how hard I try. Who can see in the darkness?

Lately, I've been 
I've been thinking 
I want you to be happier

I should've stayed at home 

'Cause right now I see all these people that love me 

But I still feel alone 

Even though I might not like this 

I think that you'll be happier

I want you to be happier

I wasn't made for you 

And you weren't made for me 

Though it seemed so easy

I don't know what I'm doing, I'm floating in the ocean, aimless, distraught, treading water for show. I can't figure anything out, sometimes. I only have feelings, tons of overflowing feelings.

What would make me happy? If I could attain that "fairytale ending", that fairytale for show? Would I truly be happy then, or would I still be pretending? I can't scratch the itch that calls for my happiness. And it's quite upsetting, no matter how much I try to extend myself to aid and care for others.

I've worked for, and attained, the personal goals I've set for myself. I have numerous friends in different circles; church friends, work friends, school friends, and even two casual gaming friend groups. I'm an OG, a leader for the neighbourhood group of friends and everyone seems to be getting along swimmingly. So... what is it, then? Do I long to feel something, anything at all? Longing for something to come and sweep my off my feet, to show me something different from all I've ever known?

I pray that God leads me closer to him, and leads me closer to revealing His glory in me.

Love Triangle

Sometimes my mind drifts to whether or not Karelos and Cloud get a happy ending. I mean they're clearly meant to be, and have a fairytale relationship, but then she meets Noctis and has to fuck everything up. I mean I start to feel bad for Noctis because over time I think he really did get attached to her and he becomes quite protective of her which contrasts extremely with the way he treated her before.

All my friends think Karelos belongs with Cloud. Of course they would, as Karelos is my alter-ego, isn't she? Even after all these years. Anyway, no one has anything good to say about Noctis. Not Jessica, not Danni, not even Michi! Haha. It's hilarious how people willingly indulge my fangirling and treat it as if it's normal. I guess nothing is really normal, though.

But I feel like Noctis and Karelos are quite compatible because they both have this "dark side" of their personalities, you know. As if they want to enjoy all the worldly pleasures, but they do feel guilty about it but can't change. Karelos feels inadequate to Cloud's pure brightness, the way he's always kind and righteous. It can be tiring, can't it? Some people are good people and that warmth radiates from their core, but others need to put just a bit more effort. I feel that way, anyway.

So I don't know how I want to conclude this love triangle. I mean it's like a dating simulator with multiple endings: bad ending would be Noctis has the murder-suicide episode when Karelos tries to leave him, good ending would be Karelos breaks away from Noctis and ends up happily with Cloud with the white picket fence and kids. Or maybe she stays with Noctis and lives her life as a wealthy trophy-wife, who knows. And obviously I'm just borrowing the Final Fantasy characters as placeholders for my own characters. I mean whatever, I can write my fanfiction can't I? It's my blog and besides, 50 Shades of Grey started out as Twilight fanfiction so you just never know!

Rescue Me

spiritual awakening in my mind
losing my mind
stuck in my mind
my body moves with a mind of its own
distracted, thoughts flying
through my mind
my heart twangs in pain
anticipating pain
bracing itself,
making me feel so alive
so i can fall and feel

Wow, everything is crumbling and falling around me like melting skyscrapers. It oftentimes feels as if I'll never escape the turmoil and angst hidden within my own mind. My own privilege and good fortune are things I struggle to appreciate and come to terms with.

I try to write something, anything, in order to see myself as a writer again, if I ever really was one. But my adult mind is dulled, and my muse has died.

If only--

New Colours

Fading away, when you're drunk and alone
Can't see my face in your heart anymore
Telling yourself you don't feel like before
And that's when I run
All of these thousand miles
To get you back
Coming for you babe, I'm coming now
That's when I run
All of these thousand miles
To get you back 

--Thousand Miles / Tove Lo

"All right, good night. I love you too."

The dark-haired girl whispered sweet words under her breath, tightly clutching the cell phone to her ear. Sweat beaded from her palms as the call ended; she could already feel the familiar pair of eyes boring into her back.

"It always amazes me," he murmured, "how great of a liar you can be."

She neatly slid her cell phone into the black clutch hanging on her shoulder and turned to face him. The moonlight cast shadows onto his face that almost made him unrecognizable, but she could never forget those eyes. That handsome face offset by a perpetually cold gaze.

"That makes both of us, doesn't it?"

He smirked. "I'm not sure I'm on your level."

"Oh, I know. You're much worse."

"You think so?" He trailed his fingers along her forearm. "You should be more honest with yourself."

She shivered, taking a step backwards. No matter how good she was at playing the game, he easily managed to unnerve her.

"Anyway, I'm here," she said stiffly. "Exactly like you wanted. Now what?"

"One of your friends has something of mine. I want it back."

"I guess I have no choice."

"Of course not." He smirked. "We're business partners."

"Is that everything?" A sigh escaped her lips. "If so, we should get on with this."