Crestfallen

Teasing me to no end... Isn't that what best buds are for?

I've taken time off from my regularly scheduled righteous pursuits and decided to fall down a big, black rabbit hole. My favourite kind, and I'm a pretty naughty rabbit. Swallowed by the darkness, I felt the rush of excitement in my veins and the rapid beating of my heart next to the warmth of my misguided desperation.

i want young love
living in a fantasy world
dreaming about your eyes
pools of ocean water

Gundam Roleplay

Oh my Jesus Yamato, I can't believe I started this fun, freestyle roleplay with a colleague/friend from work. Well, here's one way to get the creative juices flowing after so many years, amirite??? O_O

Errel Wilson was a Shaw Gundam Pilot. He was a tough and no-nonsense individual. One of his colleagues, Karen Yuen, was tired of being forced into the Shaw Leos. Because of this, she started coming up with plans to "off" herself, in the attempt to escape from the abyss foreverrrrrrr. Karen's plans did not bode well for Errel, who always found unorthodox ways to stop Karen's insane kamikaze missions.

One day, Karen hatched up a devious plan to ask out Duo Maxwell in the hopes that "seeing" him would result in her... death.

"Errel, you can't stop me!" she exclaimed, and threw on her headset to make an outbound call to 1-800-GODEATH.

"H-hey, is this Duo?"

"Sure is!"

Karen took a deep breath and blurted out, "WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO ON A DATE WITH ME?"

Prudent

I wanted to write a story and things have been brewing in my mind, but nothing concrete. Maybe I'll revisit this another time, yeah?

OK, so what do I even want to tell? I've effectively numbed myself to the point where I don't feel sadness anymore. I've learned to repress that, and well. Sure, things disappoint me, but they don't shake me to the point of being inspired, either. Art never comes from happiness, you know?

But life has been static and although a lot of things and people have made me very happy, I never want to create when I'm happy. I want to create when I'm sinking in the lowest pits of despair. I suppose that's why I can't write anymore, huh?

it was a real love, a summer love
i met you in the summer
it was a real love, the kind of love
an angel undercover

True Form

Isn't this the most amazing fanart of me you've ever laid eyes on?

Ummmm yeah, that gorgeous Ace Trainer is none other than yours truly, Karin Strife! That's my codename, after all. All Gundam pilots have one, huh? Why not Pokemon trainers? (Exactly -- here's lookin' at you, Lockon!)

I am really thrilled at the pose and how the artist decided to portray my Tyranitar and shiny!Flaaffy. Although they did decide to take artistic liberty when it came to my hair; it's not nearly so gray and voluminous, is it? And certainly the ends are not tinged pink, haha. But overall, I'm really happy with this drawing, and I do believe it looks like me dressed in the outfit of my Pokemon Go avatar.

Hard Style

so i mean i used to, and i believe i still, love partying. and by partying i mean going out for a night on the town. dress up nice (read: provocatively) and drink and dance the hours away in a dark room surrounding by gyrating bodies.

but, i really don't know if i can return to that sort of worldly indulgence. it's hard to feel safe in a club/rave environment, and a part of me has always felt anxious before an event. probably because i know that going out late at night, to the place where the animals go, is detrimental to spiritual growth. i'm torn, because while i do enjoy the music and flashy outfits, scripture literally instructs us not to behave/dress in that way. and i believe that a demure lifestyle is more befitting my base personality anyway. it's a slippery slope because i have been awakened and my eyes are opened. what can i do?

if i could go with someone i trusted, then maybe things would be okay. but in those nightlife environments, people are always either predators or prey. people can't even protect themselves from the darkness.

At night I
I do crazy things at night
I'm not gonna lie
There's something about the dark side that
Constantly, I keep getting attracted to it
I don't wanna let go
Maybe I should change and well
Maybe I shouldn't
But one thing's for sure
I'm always gonna be me

Sunburnt

You're the one 'til my tan fades away 
Get on a train and we'll be strangers again

^ Secular music is so depressing. I feel it is so because we all feel lost and long for connection while dwelling on this earthly plane. And we try to pacify ourselves with relationships that are empty and devoid of real love (affection) and we all pretend we are okay with this, preferring to pretend to be strong when really, we all long for real love and lasting and meaningful connections.

So, I've taken the liberty of doing an edit...

You're still the one when my tan fades away
Seasons will change, but love will always remain

How bou' dah???

Spiritual

i love to see you laugh
the way your head tilts back
your face lit up with joy
eyelashes brushing cheekbones
 thoughts floating
 stray wisps i can't capture
 writhing, all i can do
 floating in the expanse
 my heart and body struggling
 i try not to think about
 why is it these sorts
 make us feel the most?

sometimes i wonder if people can see right through me. if i am, in fact, the person everyone is warning me about, warning me against. actually myself. and i know that's true, i know i have traces of being that faraway person.

but, as i am aware of this fact, i can change. anything can change, contrary to popular belief. nothing stays the same in life, after all! and that gives us hope. isn't that a lovely thing?

i've been feeling a bit worn out from holiday obligations. i haven't finished writing all my christmas cards and now, because i've left things too late, they won't arrive to some recipients until after christmas, it seems. but that's of little importance, isn't it? i don't know. look at me, i can't even capitalize my own words. but this is a space for expression, so i indulge in however way i see fit.

brother ed gave me a book, a book that i am reading and trying my best to absorb. it's going to be an eye-opener, i can just tell.

last night the new winter heroes came out for FEH, and i pulled the winter lord Ephraim as well as another winter Chrom. i swear, i love these Christmas boyes. although Ephraim's art isn't really my fave, he's still dashing and 'gallant' as always. man... i remember playing Sacred Stones in elementary school. i was just a wee babe back then, wasn't i? clueless, naive, and perhaps even confused. but i still liked what i liked, haha, and i cling onto it to this day, don't i?

Facets

protection
familiar waves
vibes
familiar eyes
moments
drain dry
happiness, loveliness
-necessities
no guarantees
sleepover
whys?
reason?
no 'no's'
yes
dreamy sky
change
never be the same
someone will
understand

lol so did i tell you that my friend r aka "ginoza-kun" bought me the lockon stratos statue for christmas? haha... he's bought me all of my most prized figures. m&m, t.k., and now lockon. ughhh well although i see m&m and t.k. as more of my sons than anything else, lockon is most definitely not in the son category. h-hey, there's boys you put into the son category, and there's men you put into the husbando category. and i'm sorry but neil dylandy i would totally date you. UHHHH--haaaahaha, yeah so what? the fangirl is back and in fact has never even left the building. blink blink.

although isn't it so odd now that noctis is like 20 and i'm like 27? sure, cloud can still be around 24~25 but the older i get, the funnier it is that teenage karin actually had crushes on these fictional guys. hey, well they're dreamy, and they're an escape from reality; most people like love stories, and romance--that's all been such a big part of our culture for generations. since the dawn of effin' time. they're like the actors in dramas ok.

and omg wiki just told me cloud's official birth year is 1986. so hey, i'm '91 so technically i'll just tack a year on for each of my own, eh? lol i don't know why i'm even trying to rationalize this fantasy to you. i guess the older i get the more self-critical i've become. is this normal?

wow is dis a young baby noct? see here i would file him into the "son" category, not unlike roxas. must protecc, lol. and i can see he exists in the time of emo-hair bois, because wow look at that hair. someone throw some 'my chemical romance' on, quick!

Party Time

wow, last night's office party was a BLAST! i had such a busy saturday and weekend in general, but let's try to paste it all here for recollection's sake in the future. today was a good day, and yesterday was really fun too.

karin's day-- SAT+SUN EDITION

so yesterday i woke up early to make my father breakfast, as he returned to vancouver the evening before. i whipped up scrambled eggs with ham and seared cherry tomatoes and buttered toast. we had coffee and bonded for a bit. later my friend picked me up for an afternoon session of dnd with pizza at another friend's place.

then, after hours of adventuring i had a work christmas party and WOW i got wasted. well, not entirely but pretty drunk. and shenanigans happened, oh boy did they happen... paa~rt~ayyy was my whole persona.

"can u hold dis, thx"

ya gurl knows how 2 move

even one of the supervisors hit on me. like, hard. i hope he doesn't uhhh make it weird for me at work? everyone was wired. j drove me home and i thanked him for taking care of me. BUT HERE'S THE HILARIOUS PART--

drunk karin really took care of me that night. i took my fancy earrings off and replaced them with my studs. i spilled wine on my dress so i sprayed the dress with stain remover, scrubbed and soaked it in the bathtub before i crawled into bed and passed out. so wow... thanks for taking care o' me, drunk me!

the next day i went to church with my dad and spent the time with my beloved 'bodyguards'/church fam. then Jo and i went to have lunch with my parents and i and we feasted on a lot of food. then we visited my sister's new apartment and WOWza is midori a beautiful apartment. i'm envious but i'm also certain my time will come, someday!!!

Desert

i can't be my real self here anymore. i can't let anything flow forward, but there isn't anything to hold onto either. a lone girl cries, alone after all the sand flows through her fingers.

Untitled Work

A LOT OF THE THINGS i used to care about, i don't really care about anymore.
i guess nothing really quickens my heartbeat the way it used to when i was younger.
maybe about a decade ago, things would have been different, and would have meant something. but the more i go on, the more i feel nothing matters, or that nothing instills passion in my heart. yeah... i guess what i'm trying to say is that nothing inspires me. you know? as chuck palahniuk once said... "art never comes from happiness". nor does it appear to come from contentedness, in my case.

i have no stories to tell. i have no stories left. my life is routine and mundane. i feel like all i ever do is repeat this mantra over and over.

before i was angst and wrote about love and the lack of it or a distorted perception of it. but now... now i know if someone doesn't love me, then whatever. it doesn't hurt me, and it's not my loss or their loss, but perhaps it's simply a lack of compatibility.

things i've been looking at today... since it's christmas, i should think about treating myself, yeah? or not since you know, i treat myself all the time. BUT STILL, look at this cute l'il baby Shigure figure. i just love the casual dress they put the shipgirls in, as opposed to their regular designs.

i'm thinking about buying this figure since it's relatively cheap. but i'm supposed to be saving monies. well, i've always been bad at that anyway, plus it's christmas so... what can ya do?

Waves

I don't know why I feel so unstable about various aspects in my life. I gauge my progress based on my past self, and I do feel myself improving. It's so uncomfortable; I feel like I'm breaking bone and setting it back.

But it only takes one small blow for me to buckle and flinch.

Our company director came to shadow me and I saw God's blessing shine on me again. Thank you, I am grateful for the chance to be noticed in my career--even though I was casually dressed like a scrub in a UNT hoodie and fleece sweatpants. I need to start formulating my own goals, and stand on my own two feet even if it hurts. I need to take the same advice I provide for my friends.