Blinding Light

pressure that's meant to break me
is strength to me now
fire burning, and i'm a flame
inside me, a heart gone silent
is beating again

i got faith in love again
in a place that was hurting
i got faith in love again
and i am unbroken

--faith in love / kokiri & dragonette

I woke up today and felt gloomy. Yesterday was fine, but today felt like I woke up on the cold, hard floor. Last night I was reading Corinthians and Ephesians, lamenting over the fact that we please God when we proclaim our love for Him, and we must strive to eternally sing his praises and show our gratitude to His mercy. However, this tires me. I'm only a human being, I'm not Jesus. Jesus never sinned, and he was sacrificed so that we would be saved, and I'm not saying I'm not grateful or that I don't love Jesus. But surely God understands the limits of mortality in this broken, fallen world? I've sinned and I am a sinner, I will sin until the day I die.

I need to investigate further. There's still so much I don't understand. I know God loves me, that I am a child of God, and that everything in life happens due to His divine grace. I shouldn't fear trials, death, humility, or serving others. But this bends me backwards; human nature's baseline is selfishness, IMO. It takes colossal strength to go against the current, especially in a society that encourages selfishness and vanity.

I am... hoping that one day I can feel like I can love and trust again. I'm starting to realize that I never did. I don't know what love is! I've always maintained that I know familial love, love for family and friends for example, or even pets. But romantic love escapes me. Perhaps I'm afraid of it. I like being in control, and falling in love is too vulnerable and frightening for my fragile heart. I understand this and know this, and I am working actively to correct this.

Humility... ugh. So uncomfortable! But I must continue to live to serve.
I understand that I have a purpose here on earth; I don't feel that everything is meaningless.