Long-suffering

Hello, all. After a fitful sleep and a tense (muscles) morning, I arose from slumber and now I'm writing to you here. A couple of things I wanted to address this morning:

-I still can't write. Lol, nothing new here.

-I woke thinking about GG, or @plaaastic. She was a unique figure on social media that took her own life back in 2017. I used to read her blog - I'm unsure if that site is still accessible. But, the fact that she is gone is sad. She struggled a lot and ultimately wasn't able to overcome those struggles.

-I have no stories to tell. I'm not even a girl anymore, now I'm a woman. Relatively young, as I'm reaching my thirties soon. All I can do is submerge myself into other's creations. Which leads into my next point.

-Fire Emblem: Three Houses. I've been progressing through my second playthrough after choosing the Blue Lions house but before I got too far into that, I wanted to spend time reflecting on my first ~organic~ playthrough.

The game is like an otome game, mixed with fighting elements as per classic FE. The dialogue and cutscenes are exactly like some of the apps I've played, such as "Be My Princess" or "Blood in Roses". Those storylines were also impressive - I'm so envious when others can create diverse, likable characters that all come together to complete a tale.

Well, I should go walk my dog now. But I will find some time to reflect again soon. That's a promise.

Deep Water

The same listless nights, the same glowing screens. The same old music, nostalgia reincarnate. Is there anything that I can do to escape my own thoughts? What are we doing this for? Another night where I should be asleep, but instead I stay swarming in useless thoughts. A shell, a fraction of my former self; although this version is more refined, there is less of her.

Ideally, strength would come naturally. There would be no need, but, that's not how life works. I've grown to realize this, later than most. Keep treading, treading on the path where we can only go forward.

Why do I do this to myself? Why do I subject myself to the pain of remembering? I am a robot strapped into the hard drive of my past. Rain falling - a ghost I can still feel inside - my younger self. I breathe memories back into my being with music. Lying for hours in a dark room. Childhood I can never reclaim. Do you ever listen to songs and reflect upon a simpler time? The coldness of this world is something I can’t break away from. This selfishness; I can’t control it.

FE Rambles & Co.

I constantly have thoughts swirling through my head throughout the day, but whenever I sit down to try and collect them, I am never successful. It's like whenever I'm sitting in front of the screen, everything I long to say escapes me, but it was never like that before!

I used to be able to sit here and talk freely about whatever was on my mind - things I love to do, things that happened in my day, or whatever feelings were present at the time. Something has numbed me; perhaps, I have numbed myself in the process of trying to grow up.

Anyway, I've been unwell again and sometimes I feel like my body isn't doing right by me. I have a pretty delicate stomach these days and I never used to. There were a couple mornings last week where I threw up on the way to work, and eating certain foods makes feel nauseous. But I digress, I did not come to talk about my boring work issues. I came to talk about FIRE EMBLEM!!!

You see, I've been playing Three Houses and I've been really enjoying being a busty, navel-boasting, expressionless professor at the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. What? OH LOL, ok wrong fandom. anywho, it's been a real good ride getting to know all the little teenyboppers from the Blue Lions house. i finally realized why i enjoy Fire Emblem so much, as opposed to other gaming franchises.

a central theme in FE is being a noble (lord/lady, prince/princess) and born into whatever role they happened to be in. I often feel like I am trapped in my role as well. My family has always been a loving one. Although i do not always get along with my younger siblings, i know they care for me, and my parents would do anything for us. i enjoy the benefits of coming from a loving family who is financially stable. i drive a car, i have a job, i own a dog, i can afford to dine out and purchase nice things, whatever i fancy, to an extent. but i am fully aware that these blessings come from my family, who i was born as on this earth, and very little of are fruits of my labour. it's like being from a noble house in Fire Emblem.

i owe so much to my family that i have a role to fulfill. as a daughter, as a big sister, as a lady. i feel the pressures surround me and i know i cannot escape from my obligations to my family, even though sometimes all i want to do is run away. it is the way of things, isn't it? i couldn't possibly make it on my own without sacrificing a level of my standard of living. many people don't understand that. if i were to live a more frugal life, and gave up a portion of the luxuries i enjoy, perhaps i would be feeling a lot more independent and mentally well. but at this time, i financially carry a portion of my household, and i feel as if that is the way it should be. even if i'm unhappy.

Fiction

lately, i'd rather play mobile games than write anything here in my personal space. there's too much swimming around in my mind these days - i don't want to face or deal with any of it. i've found it difficult to express my thoughts through blogging. maybe i've gotten rusty.

i remember i used to be able to write about anything, but i'm considering a purge. purging everything, starting... nothing new, but just existing in nothing. somehow, that feels comforting. more comforting than having to face a white canvas, struggling to fill it with even a splash of meaning.

She still felt the discomfort in her chest – the sudden shortness of breath, as if her lungs were collapsing – whenever he crossed her mind. Their history was short, but she vividly recalled the depths of his eyes, his uplifting smile, the curve of his nose, and his elegant cheekbones...

Blinding Light

pressure that's meant to break me
is strength to me now
fire burning, and i'm a flame
inside me, a heart gone silent
is beating again

i got faith in love again
in a place that was hurting
i got faith in love again
and i am unbroken

--faith in love / kokiri & dragonette

I woke up today and felt gloomy. Yesterday was fine, but today felt like I woke up on the cold, hard floor. Last night I was reading Corinthians and Ephesians, lamenting over the fact that we please God when we proclaim our love for Him, and we must strive to eternally sing his praises and show our gratitude to His mercy. However, this tires me. I'm only a human being, I'm not Jesus. Jesus never sinned, and he was sacrificed so that we would be saved, and I'm not saying I'm not grateful or that I don't love Jesus. But surely God understands the limits of mortality in this broken, fallen world? I've sinned and I am a sinner, I will sin until the day I die.

I need to investigate further. There's still so much I don't understand. I know God loves me, that I am a child of God, and that everything in life happens due to His divine grace. I shouldn't fear trials, death, humility, or serving others. But this bends me backwards; human nature's baseline is selfishness, IMO. It takes colossal strength to go against the current, especially in a society that encourages selfishness and vanity.

I am... hoping that one day I can feel like I can love and trust again. I'm starting to realize that I never did. I don't know what love is! I've always maintained that I know familial love, love for family and friends for example, or even pets. But romantic love escapes me. Perhaps I'm afraid of it. I like being in control, and falling in love is too vulnerable and frightening for my fragile heart. I understand this and know this, and I am working actively to correct this.

Humility... ugh. So uncomfortable! But I must continue to live to serve.
I understand that I have a purpose here on earth; I don't feel that everything is meaningless.

It's not right but it's okay

I saw all the warning signs and heeded none of them
Ran all the red lights chasing my own heart
Maybe hoping

gloria

it hurts tonight. i don't know what.
a mixture of numbness and pain.
a numb pain. hard to describe
like harsh pain dulled by medication
medicated by life experiences
so cruel, so jaded. disappointment
building this barrier to protect oneself,
shutting out happiness. but at the same time
disappointment.

wishing for understanding from the angel
we cannot even see.

Just Joshin' You

I always get distracted. I'll be planning to sit and do some writing when I find myself staring at my phone, or drawn away by some game, and then I can't tear away.

I finished Joshua's secret happy ending in "Be My Princess". The story was all right; I'm unhappy I ended the story so soon. （ﾉ´д｀） I mean there's always Prince Wilfred's storyline to move onto, but... I'm just unmotivated, because of course, Joshua.

And let's face it, in my world, all Joshuas are so cool. Positive association with Joshuas, ha-ha. (The following post will contain a high level of fangirling from myself.)