Long-suffering

Hello, all. After a fitful sleep and a tense (muscles) morning, I arose from slumber and now I'm writing to you here. A couple of things I wanted to address this morning:

-I still can't write. Lol, nothing new here.

-I woke thinking about GG, or @plaaastic. She was a unique figure on social media that took her own life back in 2017. I used to read her blog - I'm unsure if that site is still accessible. But, the fact that she is gone is sad. She struggled a lot and ultimately wasn't able to overcome those struggles.

-I have no stories to tell. I'm not even a girl anymore, now I'm a woman. Relatively young, as I'm reaching my thirties soon. All I can do is submerge myself into other's creations. Which leads into my next point.

-Fire Emblem: Three Houses. I've been progressing through my second playthrough after choosing the Blue Lions house but before I got too far into that, I wanted to spend time reflecting on my first ~organic~ playthrough.

The game is like an otome game, mixed with fighting elements as per classic FE. The dialogue and cutscenes are exactly like some of the apps I've played, such as "Be My Princess" or "Blood in Roses". Those storylines were also impressive - I'm so envious when others can create diverse, likable characters that all come together to complete a tale.

Well, I should go walk my dog now. But I will find some time to reflect again soon. That's a promise.

Dog Mountain

Recently I've been getting into hiking as a hobby. A couple weeks ago, a few of us decided to pay Dog Mountain a visit. Unbeknownst to me was the fact that Dog Mountain is a trail in North Vancouver notorious for being crowded; fortunately the weather was overcast and wet on the day we went, so there were hardly any other visitors at all. Yay, us! I, for one, detest a crowded trail.

Deep Water

The same listless nights, the same glowing screens. The same old music, nostalgia reincarnate. Is there anything that I can do to escape my own thoughts? What are we doing this for? Another night where I should be asleep, but instead I stay swarming in useless thoughts. A shell, a fraction of my former self; although this version is more refined, there is less of her.

Ideally, strength would come naturally. There would be no need, but, that's not how life works. I've grown to realize this, later than most. Keep treading, treading on the path where we can only go forward.

Why do I do this to myself? Why do I subject myself to the pain of remembering? I am a robot strapped into the hard drive of my past. Rain falling - a ghost I can still feel inside - my younger self. I breathe memories back into my being with music. Lying for hours in a dark room. Childhood I can never reclaim. Do you ever listen to songs and reflect upon a simpler time? The coldness of this world is something I can’t break away from. This selfishness; I can’t control it.

Dragon Mentality

I've been having dreams
Splashin' in a summer stream
Trip and I fall in
I wanted it to happen
My body turns to ice
Crushin' weight of paradise
Solid block of gold
Lying in the cold
I feel right at home

--Trampoline / SHAED

Life is life. Life goes on no matter what. There's nothing I can do to prevent this -- no one can. We all march forward involuntarily, resigned to our fates. Acceptance is freedom, isn't it?

I know your face, like a photograph that I can't erase

I don't really have anything to say, other than the fact that my life has been filled with work, hiking, and... existing. I've been lucky enough to be able to venture out into the wilderness with my dog and my friends, enjoying nature and the freedom that comes with it. I am happy to find likeminded people to share my hobbies with! I want to be healthier and fitter, as I've stated in previous posts, so that mission has been a steady journey.

Still... I wonder when life will surprise me? Because people sure as hell aren't! I honestly haven't had a best friend since... well, you know. But I was young and idealistic. I try to let people in but none have came remotely close to understanding who I am as a person. None have come close to at least making me feel like they understood. So perhaps, I'm still that same black-haired girl from years ago, doing the best she can.

I am lucky enough to have friends that consider me a sister, and a best friend. But do I feel the same? I feel nothing. I feel like if I lost those people, I would remain unsurprised. That's life, isn't it?

Freedom is acceptance.

Stolen Breath

you've waited for me a long time
and we have lost many days
years that we'll never get back
i left you behind to search for myself
but trust me when i say
i never stopped loving you
when your time on earth ends
i will always love you
i'm sorry i couldn't be
with you longer
though we had a good run
i will always love you
and i'm sorry to keep you waiting

i don't feel motivated to write. as usual, not much has changed on that front. i feel life's current sweeping me away - like i have no choice on where life takes me. my friend wants to start a vlog/blog about hiking trails, and i find myself taken along for the ride. i'm not unhappy about this, as i love the outdoors and running along forest paths with my dog. but, at the same time, it isn't my passion - it's his, and i'm carried along for the ride.

work is going well. i'm in a cushy office job. i have a home church where i serve. life is... stagnant at best. i wish i had some sort of excitement, but i don't. i have an average life which i should be thankful for. and i am, i am so grateful to the Lord for blessing me. but, there are hardships hidden in the shadows. i know i can overcome anything, but am i truly so afraid to be my true self?

who is she? my true self? i know she does not wear a vengeful mask. i know that, although many would not accept her for who she is, there are people who do. but life isn't about caring what other people think, is it? life is about standing your ground, with a steady stance, and continuing to be your authentic self.

my dog and i are going hiking with some friends over the weekend, as we did last weekend. i am grateful for this, as there is nothing quite like venturing through hiking trails with your beloved canine companion. and perhaps... one day i will find what i am seeking, if ever i realize myself what that may be.

Classic Flavour

i've changed so much over the years, grown into someone i can't even recognize.

that isn't to say i don't know myself; i know who i am as a person, and my core beliefs, likes and dislikes, all that pizazz. but when it comes to the fully-formed vision of who i want to be, that is still a work in progress. and that will likely be an eternal work in progress, but the least i can do is try my best to figure out what makes me, me.

for instance, i used to be able to write stories easily. the words flew out from my heart, and now, all i do is immerse myself in other people's creations. i don't want all my love going into characters others have created. i want to be able to create and love my own creations as i did when i was younger.

but now i am faced with fear. the adult fear of inadequacy, though none of that should matter as the only reason i write is for myself. no one else. and i owe myself that much, so here i go... i'll try and write something for me. someday.

Too Easy

I'm this floating cloud. Up, up, up amongst the sky where nothing is perfect. People are so easy to read...

Apathetic Curse

I've been playing Fire Emblem: Three Houses extensively over the last couple weeks and I've been finding it super fun. I'm enraptured by the charming male characters in the game - that never ceases to please. My favourite characters are Dimitri, Felix, and Ashe - not necessarily in that order, but all three of them really glowed up over the course of the game and all three have their own distinct charms.

Still, as I play through this game I find myself 50/50 about my investment level compared to Awakening or Fates, which I've replayed several times. It's a good story, and the gameplay is fluid and easy to manage, however I find myself less enthused about many things as I've grown older.

For instance, I fangirled HARD over Sacred Stones and replayed the heck out of that game when I was younger. When I compare my enjoyment of FE now on a gaming console with better graphics to the 8-bit games of old, I somehow feel apathetic about the games now. They capture my attention for a brief time, like a cheap thrill, but at the end of the day the impact on my creativity is minimal. I suppose that's the way of things, now.

Many people look out for me. Friends, colleagues, family. And yet, I feel...

The Time Is Now

-state something that is true.
-tell a story.
-personalize it.

ok... here goes. 

Well, it's a new season for me. I feel myself growing and it's uncomfortable. These growing pains aren't something I'm sure I can handle, but I don't have a choice. I have to be a soldier; I don't have a choice. It's a fallen world, so we have to fight to accomplish what is necessary regardless of how we truly feel.

How nice it would be, if I was a naive child again. Admittedly, I'm still quite naive in nature, but I'm working on growing thicker skin. Being called for something bigger, striving to be humble and strong, working towards my goals.

We just got to learn how to get through the hard times.