Breakthrough

So, as you all probably know, I've started this new journey towards spiritual growth. Abiding, or striving? There's a lot of things I have to choose to give up, and I'm happily giving those things up to improve myself. Which sadly means, no more erotic fanfiction unless I get further notice. I apparently shouldn't indulge in the creation of ... inappropriate materials. o__o" I mean, I was dabbling in it for fun; I don't think writing it controlled my life in any way and I wasn't obsessed by it, but... I think it's easier to let it go than wonder if writing that stuff hinders my growth.

We live in a pretty fallen world, huh? I wish I didn't have to worry.

Anyway, this last week I've had two more friends confess that they have romantic feelings for me. HAHA... I don't know why this keeps happening, I guess people are lonely during the holiday season. And I don't know how to respond, other than "Thank you for being honest, I can't return your romantic feelings but I return all the other feelings you have for me..." Isn't that a pretty textbook response? I truly don't get what my friends see in me; I'm so flawed. I'm not that pretty. I have so many messed-up areas in my life... and they know it, too. I shared so many of my thoughts and experiences with them, but despite getting a glimpse at my feelings and flaws, they're still drawn to like me? Pretty mind-blowing, to think that others would see me as "hecca cute". But if that's popular consensus then... who am I to argue with what the people see or feel?

Meanwhile... My heart has been aching, because I've been yearning for something that I'm too weak to reach out for. I'm just going to sit on my ass until I receive proper instructions on how to proceed, haha... I mean, I'm just one big embarrassing blob.

I've been tearing myself apart in the search for answers about where I need healing. I can't always be completely transparent to everyone on this public blogging site, but I struggle a lot with being cool, calm, and collected. I have a lot of energy within me and I need to exercise self-control. I am also pretty prideful and impatient, and easily irritated by others. So I need to learn to purge those negative qualities away, as well.