New Year's Greetings

i've wanted to share my new year's resolutions on sheepdoll for a while now. i'm not sure why, but lately i've been feeling the urge to return to 7v13 to rest at where my roots used to be, but online blogging could be done anywhere, i suppose. i guess sheepdoll has always been more lighthearted in my perspective, and i never really go deep into my thoughts and feelings here; mainly, i post about random bits and pieces of writing or a little about my day, and that's it. but today i feel like going deeper into my feelings about the year.

as some of you may know, i've been going through some down times this year. there have been a lot of changes, both professional and personal. i've been pretty happy overall, but that doesn't mean traumatic things haven't happened to me.

first off, i have great friends. they are always supporting me, whenever i need to vent, complain, or whine to them. however, i still feel like something inside me is not at ease. i'm sure i just need some time to myself to reflect. i'm planning to delete my social media next year for a while. logging out of instagram and snapchat, and only keeping facebook for communication purposes with friends.

social media hasn't helped me at all; it hasn't helped me at all with easing my thoughts. although i can't really be without it, because i enjoy browsing through things, it takes up too much of my time. but blogging has helped me, and i hope to find some solace again through blogging.

for the new year, i hope i can achieve the following things:

-save more money
-stop crying so much
-let the past stay in the past
-sleep earlier like before or at 1am -- but i think that's a bit of a stretch and unachievable, haha.

more to come, soon. i just feel like a sad girl all the time and i wish i could snap out of this funk.

Goodness & Love Will Always Win

I'm really grateful for my shining rays of light in the darkness.

You know, I always considered that I didn't have many friends in life, but when the holiday season rolled around I was surprised by the amount of people who asked me to hang out and exchanged gifts with me.

I'm especially grateful for a certain androgynous-admiring brunette friend of mine. She's someone I am glad I approached to befriend earlier in the year. It was truly destined; she is someone I can walk and look with, enjoy food with, and have meaningful conversations with. 

Another friend I am truly grateful for is another doe-eyed brunette, who is always patient and supportive of me. She stills my heart and makes me feel like I have someone in my corner whenever worrying things happen. 

I had a really good day today, even if the morning was quite stressful. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, and I'm very much looking forward to spending it with my family.

Show Me

i was nothing special

but thanks to the memories you gave me

i became the main character

in a sad love story

a story that’s only special to me

not a single star in the night sky

--love story / epik high

Code Black

it's so much harder to fall out of love
than to fall in love
you make me live and die again 

--epik high

Nothing could change her, the girl with the dark eyes. None of life's lessons reached her. Nothing was able to touch her anymore.

She was so beyond them now, so immersed in lies and sin.

The moment he had taken her under his wing, the moment she accepted the fate he handed her, was the moment her only doorway back to a normal life finally shut.

He liked to show her off at parties; she knew the red backless dress she wore was his favourite. She sat perched on his knee, laughing along with a drink, his hand pressed against the small of her back as if to physically remind her who she belonged to.

She didn't care. It wasn't something she necessarily disagreed with. The nights they spend together had spanned into years now, breeding familiarity and comfort.

---

One night, she drunkenly bumped into an old acquaintance.

She saw him through blurred eyes, clumsily pulling the hem of her skirt down as he stared at her. Her vision drifted in and out of focus, until she caught the gleam of his hair colour in the neon lights and recognition briefly flooded her face.

An outstretched hand grasped at his dress shirt. It took her a moment to register that the hand reaching out was her own.

He made to knock her hand aside, but stilled himself. Her face was flushed red, but not from embarrassment.

"Well, hello sunshine," she laughed, words flowing in a sing-song voice. "Long time no see."

"Long time, indeed."

If he was nervous, he didn't show it. And she was cloaked in a veil of false bravado.

“Things used to be so different, didn’t they, Karelos?”

“No one calls me that anymore.”

“You can go by any name you want, but you’re still always going to be Karelos to me.”

“Gee, I never knew you to be so sentimental.”

Disgruntled, he stepped towards her and brought his face up close against hers. He meant to intimidate her, but she knew better. Maya tilted her head up so that their lips were inches apart.

“Go on,” she murmured, inhaling sharply to steady her pounding heartbeat. “I dare you.”

He paused. After a moment he stepped back. 

"You're the same as always," she said coolly. "All talk."

"We're not children anymore. Grow up."

She ignored his comment. "Join me in a drink?"

Maya poured herself another drink and downed the clear liquid, feeling it burn down her throat.

The inquisitive, fearless girl was gone; in her place stood an empty woman, the shell of someone he once knew.

He couldn't stop the words from pouring out his mouth.

---

She heard his voice, but it all seemed far away, like she was trapped in a glass case.

"You used me."

She couldn't make out if the words were an accusation. His light eyes stared straight into her; his face held no emotion.

"So what?"

"You treated everyone like shit, you know? You couldn't see how selfish you were."

"That's funny, coming from you. You're as selfish as they come."

"I cared about you. That's the difference."

"You think I didn't care?"

"You didn't care about how you made us feel. No wonder she started hating you."

"I'm done with this conversation." She slammed the glass down. "Leave!"

"Why should I?"

She watched, amused, as he stood frozen. His eyes were still unreadable.

"Because you know what I can do."

When he turned and disappeared down the hall, she found herself smiling in satisfaction. Then, heart still pounding, she forced herself to choke down the remaining alcohol.

---

She remembered their first date; he had worn a navy blue pea coat with a gray sweater and jeans. His blond hair was ashy like smoke, his bangs curling around his face like vine tendrils.

A feeling of awe had consumed her, as she had never seen such a striking man before. There was something different about him, something otherworldly. He was radiant, glowing with passion in all his mannerisms and expressions.
Perhaps that was why she became so fixated on him, back in the day. She was only seventeen at the time, and he was a foreign exchange student working at a coffee shop.

The days they spent together were like a dream. Summer days. She loved him; she knew she loved him. Until one morning she woke in early October, and he was gone. How she had cried, been inconsolable for weeks. The pain of those times still echoed in her chest.

She blinked, eyes wet. She pulled herself up into a sitting position and swiped away the tears with the back of her hand.

Cliché

"You need to find happiness in yourself. Other people can only enhance what is already there."

If only that were always true. But if one opened their eyes further they would see that survival has always depended on factors outside of our control. Alliances, resources, odds to be swayed in one's favour.

It's simply untrue that one has to be whole to find happiness in others. In my years of dealing with depression and now, in my older years, anxiety, I find it terribly patronizing to post that someone can easily find happiness in themselves.

For some, it's simply impossible. I suppose this comes and goes for everyone, even those of the soundest emotional temperaments.

In fact... I've found my most beloved friends in moments of my worst weakness.

All that shit about "what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger" is simply not true.

As for me... my friends bring a light in me that has long shut off. So no... I don't believe that something inside me is being enhanced. Rather, I am being supported--lifted when there's nothing else.

But thanks, anon... good to see someone comment instead of just lurking like always. Haha.

White Coast

It's snowing in Vancouver. The whiteness blankets everything and looks quite beautiful. I've never been one to like nor dislike the snow. I find joy in the prospect of being able to build a snowman, but the snow is too slushy to be of good substance.

Lately, life has been less than exciting. Back to the boredom of a repetitive routine. Nothing to spark up the desire in my heart.

Even attending events doesn't really seem to pique my interest anymore. Sure, I can drink and dance to the music I love and do whatever else I want to... but I still feel empty. I want to feel something exciting! Something more. I want to meet someone that shows me more.

Pain, pleasure... whatever the rest of the spectrum may be. I want to feel alive. Because as of this moment I'm trapped beneath marble like a statue. And I don't feel.

FE Fangirl

Another Tuesday! Hello, blog.

I finally obtained a Nintendo Switch and Fire Emblem Warriors! My father and mother bought it for me for Christmas. I spent a night playing it until 6AM, and I'm in love with the characters more than ever.

Takumi is a bad-ass. So proud of that little grumpy bean; his gameplay with Fujin Yumi is intense! He's so cool. I was under the impression archers were passive and not very strong, but playing as Takumi really laid all that to rest. Wow!

And Robin... Wow I never thought he was even attractive until this game. Especially when he smiles; I can see why everyone falls in love with the avatar LOL. This is dangerous. And my, him and Chrom's support conversations? Brothers 4 Lyfe!

Speaking of Chrom, I'm low-key/high-key checking out his muscular, sculpted arm. Haha. What's with characters and only wearing a sleeve on one side? *cough*Cloud*cough*. No matter, Chrom is an awesome character and a really swell, decent guy!

I haven't gotten too many hours out of this game, but it certainly has enabled more fangirling/fanwomaning on my part. Waaaahh... ♡♡♡

On the side of reality, my friend booked her flight to L.A. and I need to follow suit soon. I spent the whole night browsing Airbnbs and I'm unsure whether we should stay in downtown or closer to my friend's house. I'm so stoked for a getaway during spring break. I've been feeling dejected all the time over many things. I can't wait to lounge on the beach and tan my sorrows away.

The Void

Me AF

I have to start doing some deep cleaning since the things in my room are a mess. I've started 3 clothing piles in various spots, and haven't swept or vacuumed. It's hard to do that when I come home around midnight every day, like freakin' Cinderella.

Father is coming home today, so I'll be happy to see him when I come home tonight.

My weekend is coming up but it's jam-packed with festivities, so I don't even get to rest. Sigh... So on Saturday my friend and I are checking out this new restaurant in Richmond. Then, I have my office Christmas party later in the evening, and perhaps I have to meet up with a friend later for her birthday celebration. Then on Sunday I have a date to go skating and do some various shopping around, and then another Christmas party. All these gatherings are exhausting me.

On top of that, I couldn't roll Shiro in Fire Emblem Heroes. I'm livid about that, because they gave me Soleil and Siegbert from the banner, but not my Fates husband/nephew. Simply atrocious...

I'm mentally planning my trip to L.A. in March, during spring break! Hopefully I can meet up with my friend of over 9 years and spend a few days as a tourist, eating and lazing around at the beach. But first... I need to shed some of this winter weight I've been harbouring. I can't stop eating these days. I want to devour everything and my body is completely cool with it. Which means, I need to start working out to burn off the excess. But I'm so tired, all the time... maybe if I start waking up earlier and go to the gym or for a run then? *shudders at the thought*

I want to start yoga again, but maybe that can wait until next year. Baby steps, if I take any steps at all... I can't wait to return to YYoga. I need to make some goals and stick to them. Like, committing to work out 3x a week?

Bit By Bit

The saddest thing about memories is the people that we used to know, and the person that we used to be during those times.

In my 26 years of life, I've experienced a lot of special memories that I've vowed to hold dear:

Memories of youth on a sunny beach with the family, pina colada ice cream and drying sand dollars and a huge crab in a green bucket.

Bringing home my first puppy and having that small ball of fur fitting right in my lap, kissing him and making him a mental promise that he would always have a home with us.

Sunny days on a hill with a lover, eating pate and smoked meats and enjoying each other's company passionately.

Touching foreheads with a lover during the holiday season, while the evening sky started to lightly snow for the first time.

Travelling to a new country with a friend, roaming the streets, dressed in the frilly fashion we both loved, living the dream.

I've experienced a wide array of pain and happiness. But one thing that made me feel the most "understood", was having someone who encouraged me to keep being the best I could be. To chase my hobbies, keep writing and drawing, encouraged me... building a world together. That's a rare thing to find. I understand my emotions are from romanticized memories. But the way I felt was real.

Her writing flowed so effortlessly into mine. Her art, inspiring me to create my own. Fueling my fantasies in a world of borrowed characters and alternate universes. How can I ever recover from the thrill of having a world to escape to, with someone to share it with?

I'm a fraction of what I used to be when I was younger. Not in age, but in skill. And although I've said and done things I regret, I can't take any of it back. Everyone matures and grows at a different pace. No one can blame me for living out who I was meant to be.

Still... I'm waiting for someone to make me feel something again. I'm in limbo... unable to move forward nor back. Wading through the same thing over and over again.

---

I followed you until the end
Counting every step
I did not know what was to come
But still I tried and dreamt

I wondered where I was before
I honestly can't say
This must be the love they speak of
In those myths I read

I could give this world away
To keep this endless high
The more I let go, the more I am whole
This time it's for real

When you know you found the one to keep
Oh, we wonder how we did not see
Our eyes open when we find that love
And we heal

This must be the love

Reawakening

The two of us were always one
At home we were invincible, weren’t we?
We’d longed to come to this town for a long time
For some reason, I remember the scenery
Embracing the beautiful sky the day we left

--Seishun Amigo / Shūji to Akira

Everything is an uncertain mess these days. I keep making decisions that throw caution to the wind. Sometimes, I wonder what will become of such a life. Other times, I don't really care. That's life though, really, isn't it?

Everyone goes through their own struggles. But me, I seem to get stuck in the past, trapped like a stick in the mud, wading waist deep through quick sand.

What's wrong with me sometimes? Why does it appear like everyone else is out enjoying fulfilling lives, except me?

Perhaps I'm being too modest; I do party, I do hang out with friends, eat out, watch movies, go on dates, get treated well. I do have a loving family, I'm spoiled and treated like a princess, no one crosses me. I have a dog, I have anything I ever wanted. I truly feel that way.

And yet, I'm drifting in a sea of indifference, nearly all the time.

Northern Wind

She stared out the arched windows overlooking the garden. Her dark eyes were unreadable as her gaze rested blankly on the rows of rosebushes, not truly seeing them, lost in thought.

He had arranged for them to be planted for her, knowing that she favoured roses. It was a feeble attempt at consoling her; they both knew he was severely lacking in the empathy department. But he had grown to care deeply for her, and so he continued to procure things in attempts to make her happy.

"I can't believe it has come to this." Her voice was barely a whisper. A letter sat crinkled on the windowsill. She gestured to it in frustration. "That she has decided to act against us... is unforgivable."

"This was inevitable." He came up behind her. He buried his face into the crook of her neck, wrapping strong arms around her waist. "What did you expect? That your life decisions would sit well with them?"

She allowed herself to lean into his arms. "She didn't have to bring others into this."

"I presume they volunteered of their own accord. None of them were happy that I took you from them."

"It wasn't their decision to make." She closed her eyes. "They will pay for this. I swear it."

We Were Not In Love

Another day, another night.

Something's missing, but it's a piece of my own heart. A fragment that broke off somehow. Maybe it's embedded itself somewhere I can never find. I'm learning to be okay with that.

Life is full of blandness, full of sorrow--yet there is also a marbling of contentment, a sprinkle of happiness here and there.

The past cuts deep into my heart, shaking me to the core. The knife, Excalibur in the stone. I wonder, if the One pulls out the blade, will I be saved? Or would I bleed out?

I'm the witch. I'm the dragon. I'm frozen into stone.

And I'm okay with that.

A sad tune, a nostalgic story. What will it take for me to forget?

Your eyes, vivid in my mind. Your voice, etched into my ears.

I'm falling on my own, again.

---

I rarely write about my day, and I should probably change that. I used to write about my life in some detail, in an attempt to preserve those memories, but now I tend to only record feelings.

I miss my old blog, 7V13. But it's nice here, too. I have to say, 7V13 was more more raw, but more foolish as well. I bared my stupidity for all to see. In fact, I still do, but hopefully with a bit more grace than my younger days.

Striving to be better, I try my best to reflect on my mistakes. I feel nowhere near where I want to be. I want to figure myself out. Self-reflection is the only path to growth, after all.

In my life, I'm fairly happy with where I am. I have friends, and I'm always keeping busy. I am well-fed, and quite pampered by others. Yet, I do oftentimes feel something empty within myself...

I've thought about it, and I do want it. Happiness.

nothing lasts forever
but across time, i’ll be waving
some things don’t change

nothing lasts forever
but i’ll climb over the wall of time
and wait until you call my name again
i’ll come back
if you think of me sometimes
i’ll come back
if you cry for me

i’ll come back
if you leave a space in your heart empty for me
i’ll come back

back to you

--munbae-dong / epik high

Stale Fairytale

I don't want to leave something unfinished... but...

Sometimes, she hated him. Not him, exactly, but the way he was, his upbringing – all of that. Some days, she felt all the social rules and false pleasantries suffocated her, making her regret ever having involved herself into his affairs. Into his work life.

She bit her lip and swallowed back sour words she longed to sling at him. There was no point to, she told herself. Decisions were made, paths were set. There was no going back now. Life didn’t offer second chances. She was born into this position, and there was no changing that.

In Conclusion

When did I become such a Sad Girl™?

Was I always one?

I feel like in the past I was a lot more jaded, but now I wouldn't consider myself so. I'm definitely a lot happier. I'm more aware of who I am and what my values are, compared to before.

But, I still sing and dance to the same sad tune, especially when it comes to people I've loved in the past. I can close my eyes and think back to those feelings.

I still look back at the door, the same door that leads down the path of my memories, and somehow expect that you'll be standing there. That I'll find it open. But it never is, it remains shut and covered in dust.

Because, I only ever turned to it when it was convenient for me, didn't I?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for only ever thinking about myself.

Bite The Dust

Awaking from a dream
Arising from a slumber
I’m far away from home
On my own

The crimson flame
Like a ruby
It’s the hope
In my eyes

 --Waiting for the Rain / Maaya Sakamoto

White Castle

I've been so tired. I can't think, I can't sleep. Everything causes me to be so restless.
I have dreams, so many dreams and memories that sift through my mind but cannot be attained in reality. Tell me, what is the solution to such existential thoughts?
Ignore them, push them away. Pretend they aren't there, like a bad thought pushed to the back of your mind.
I can't, I can't... I keep reaching back for you.
But no one is there.
I'm all alone, the sole ruler of a sad white castle.

Two-Faced Lovers

A/N: DEAR GOD, IT BEGINS. I don't know what the hell I'm doing, or where I'm going with this, but all I know is that things are going down--town~ /// And don't ask me why. I'm writin' for fun, okay? I mean, lots of people write fanfiction... right? R-right?!

Day & Night

There is always so much to do, and so little time. My 4-day weekend for the end of October is drawing to a close, and it was such a wonderful time that I haven't documented anything I did.

For starters, I went to Dooms Night 2017 as Sailor Venus! A rave version, and I went with my group B3K. It's so funny how all 3 girls in our group have names that start with the letter 'K'. One of my girls went as Sailor Mars too.

Neon future, baby!

It was such a great night. I reunited with girls I met at Insomnia 2 years ago, and they recognized me! Those gals are the ones that showered me with kandi when I first met them, and inspired me to start making my own kandi in the name of PLUR.

I also had a sweet little gal that came up to me and asked "Are you Sailor Venus?" to which I replied "Yes" to which she responded, "Oh! I'm Artemis!"

She was the cutest little thing. We discovered we were both from HK from the same district, too. I tried comforting her when she wasn't feeling well and we danced together. I ended up giving her the flower kandi armband/bracelet I made, and her reaction was adorable.

One of my gals slept over and the next day we went for a mouthwatering and fulfilling lunch at Bob Likes Thai Food. We even got bubbletea after!

I've basically been spending a lot of time with friends. I went for brunch with Baker Boy on Sunday, and I went to see a movie at the Rio Theatre with Bri Bri today -- loads of things like that. Keeping busy is a good thing, I guess. Especially since, well, I'm fairly new when it comes to being alone.

Well, tomorrow is Halloween and I am back to work. I also need to start writing my novel for November. Shiet, I'm not ready. I think I'm going to write a fanfiction about Kiran in Fire Emblem Heroes, because it's just easier. I need to write a bit every night, then.

A lot of people are loving and supporting me right now. And I have my family and dog. Walking Jacky in the morning is a really good bonding experience. I don't know if I will be getting another dog anytime soon but, we will see! I'm always so tired and busy, that I wish I could relax easier. Maybe I'll try and go back to yoga or take a class?

Wanderlust

she told me there's no turning back

there's no use living in the past

this is the legend of a wild girl

told by a worn out lover from the past

living on the run

intoxicated on her way downtown

we were so deep in love, baby

never thought it would come crashing down

we watched the heavens turning black

you by my side was all i had

this is the story of a young girl

told by a worn out lover from the past

--Wanderlust, Jelle Slump

If Only

somewhere i lost a piece of me
smoking cigarettes on balconies

higher than ever before, we
tear the sky out of the morning

slowly closing it

--There for You, Martin Garrix / If Only, San Holo

What is life? I know I'll never know.

Life is what you make it, a wholesome x nihilistic blend of tea. In nihilism nothing matters and no-one matters; however, because nothing really matters, one is free to believe in what matters to them and make it real for them.

I find it amusing how, when anything holds religious connotations or references to God, people tend to freak out and spout objections galore. So I have craftily started using the word 'The Universe'. And in that, people understand. It's odd, really. People have a sense of otherworldly concepts like fate, karma, etc. but refuse to credit such things to a 'God'.

Today, my grandpa passed away. He lived to the ripe old age of 90+. He was loved, and he gave love. While I am deeply troubled and saddened by his passing, I know that loss is a part of life.

I feel sorry for my father. He must be filled with grief. However, my mother is no stranger to loss, and she is with him now in Hong Kong. With the love and support of family members, I am certain all will pull through.

On the topic of my own life...

I have been feelin' a surge of luck these days. This past month has been filled with fortune for me; wonderful friends and wonderful events.

I used to think I was alone, that I would never know love -- I was wrong. I do know love. I see it in the face of others, and I try my best to extend that love back.

Slowly, I start to realize I am the one that needs to grow as a person and learn to trust that people care for me. Looming over my heart was always the thought that no one would love me for who I am, and so I always tried to change who I was.

Now, I realize slowly... bit by bit peeling the cloth from my eyes, that I have people who genuinely know and like who I am. Not that my self-worth is based on others, oh no, but it's a wake up call that I was not as abandoned as I led myself to believe.

Everyone is lonely, this I know. Everyone wants to be loved. Everyone yearns to be accepted for who they are, to be known.

In order to realize this dream, one has to open themselves to reveal the most hidden (and painful) parts within for the world to see.

I'm trying my best.

What the fuck happened yesterday?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ FE: Heroes ~Passion of the Summoner~

: ¨ ·.· ¨ :
`·. There came a knock on the door. Kiran got off her bed, the hem of her nightgown swishing at her feet.

The door opened to reveal Ephraim, the crown prince of Renais.

"Prince Ephraim! What are you doing here?" Kiran exclaimed, clearly startled by his appearance. "It's nearly midnight, milord. You should be resting."

"May I come in?" Ephraim asked. "Princess Shareena informed me that you wanted a sparring partner. Be assured that I am a cut above the rest."

Kiran blinked. It was true that she had mentioned wanting to learn to fight, but she hadn't expected Shareena to take action so quickly. "Milord, perhaps we should reschedule training for another day? It's late, and I don't think I have the energy right this moment."

Torn

so if you're lonely,

you know I'm here waiting for you

October has finally started feeling like fall. I wake with a slight chill in the room, but nestled under the warmth of several blankets, I feel at ease.

My work schedule has been smoothing out as well. I start work anywhere between 10AM~12PM, which I prefer anyway. I'm not so much a morning person; I need at least an hour and a half to prepare everything in the morning, so if I had to work at 9AM, I would have to wake up at 7:30AM! Which is pretty brutal, if you ask me. Some people can, I can't.

Plus, it's always a rush when I need to take my dog out for his morning rounds. I feel bad because I prioritize lazing in bed for a few moments more over rolling out of bed to walk him earlier. But I will improve that, I am aware of it, I will change.

Cosmic Remedy

i feel the love,
let the past burn into the sun

There was the boy with sandy brown hair and sad eyes. I often saw him on the train in the mornings, on my way to work.

Others around him listened to music or played on their phones, but not him. He always looked deep in thought, with his brow slightly furrowed as he stared out the window. He appeared young, too young to have such a sad expression.

He looked like someone I knew; that's what I told myself whenever I saw him. Perhaps I was trying to convince myself. Perhaps I was just lonely.

Couldn't it be both?

It's Okay

can't you see you're my dream?
i can't bear to lose

I don't know what life is supposed to be, but I'm floatin' along anyway. Right now everything is so peaceful, and at ease. In any case, life is always full of surprises, and I hope it's a feeling that no one, and nothing, can ever permanently take away from me.

I stayed up all night reading the novel Salt to the Sea. I could not stop reading! Each page was gripping; the story and characters were riveting. I eagerly devoured each line and flipped through the pages until the end.

That is how I want to write -- something beautiful and tangled and tragic like that novel. I was so afraid Joana and Florian would have a sad ending; every time they interacted, I internally screamed for them to open up to each other. This book seriously gripped me, I can't even explain!

Are we not going to talk about how Florian was younger and Joana was 21? That's epic. Like, when do novels ever show a relationship between a younger man and older woman? I don't know. Revolutionary.

Of course, they had to throw in a wise old man and cute kid -- Heinz and Klaus, respectively. God, I know I will be re-reading this book.

I won't touch on Emilia's sad backstory because I'm sure everyone was as shocked as me when they discovered the truth, but her character was selfless and angelic in a different way than Joana. Emilia was so attached to Florian, I didn't know why at first, but I assumed it was because she was attracted to him. In the end, Emilia did show care towards Joana and even Ingrid, oh my goodness the poor blind gal. I'm ranting and gushing about this novel and it is just pretty sad that I don't have anyone to really share my passion for stories with nowadays. Nobody even reads anymore, do they?

Midnight

we were dancing in summer rain,

i knew we would end in pain

The soft ring of a cellphone echoed through the dark room, accompanied by a low buzzing. Its owner grunted, rolling over in a mess of twisted white sheets. He stretched his arm out and grabbed it; by then it had fallen silent.

He brushed strands of golden hair out of his eyes and squinted at the glowing screen.

Missed call from...

Fortune

Another long day, over with! I'm happy to report that my pasta sauce was well-received by all! My friend at work liked it, and when I came home I found all remnants of it were gone, consumed by my brother (and his friends, apparently).

And what goes around comes around, because my work mom, a nice older lady, was nice enough to bring lunch for me! I got a pulled pork and mushroom sandwich with a de-licious~ lime tart. It was scrumptious, divine even! I could taste the texture of the rind in the filling. I savoured every bite.

In any case...

I need to start taking better care of my dog. I'm pretty lazy to brush his teeth, and I want to switch his food back to what it was before. I don't think he's doing that well on the new food I bought him; I'm planning to switch him to Orijen senior for convenience, but I might try out Crudo dog food for a raw diet. The only problem is with my work schedule, I don't know who might be feeding him and taking him out in the evenings. I guess I could switch to feeding him once a day, but that seems kinda cruel.

Missing In Action

I am finally in bed, comfortable, after another long day. I'm kinda sleepy, and I'm not really in the mood to blog but I am keen to record my thoughts for another night in existence.

I went to support my friend who was DJing at a nightclub last Saturday. I had a really good time dancing and drinking and just about blacked out near the end of the night on the ride home. I vaguely remember chowing down a filet-o-fish, fries, and pretty much 20 chicken nuggets in my stupor. But, I am proud of drunk Karen because she marched into the bathroom and took off her makeup and even took a bath! Wow. Except then she collapsed in bed in a wet towel and fell asleep with her hair in a bun. Heh.

I'm bummed that I dropped my compass card somewhere that night, too.

In any case, today I made a creamy tomato pasta sauce with beans and peas. It was spur of the moment because my friend was talking about making pasta and I suddenly felt compelled to make some. I shyly asked if she wanted me to bring some for her tomorrow and she said yes! I am shy about my cooking. I feel like people wouldn't find it tasty.

Earlier in the week, I made soup out of leftover pork back bone and veggies. It wasn't bad! It was a new creation. I left it on the stove, and my sister tried some. I felt pretty happy when I came home and saw someone had eaten some. I suppose cooking is, like everything else in life, a skill to be honed.

This year I am attending a thanksgiving potluck where I will be bringing mashed potatoes. I am debating whether or not to mash bacon or chives into it, but I think keeping it simple is the best bet. I am grateful for my friend who is always considerate of me. She said I was one of her best buds! I am glad and honoured to be her friend, and I really hope she likes my random pasta and sauce tomorrow.

I feel like I have dreams that are hard to realize, sometimes. I am slowly wading through life, but am none the wiser. I want to feel what I've always been searching for, not knowing what that is, but wanting it nonetheless. I suppose everything is, in itself, a reaction.

Into The Wild

I have to question my life decisions lol. Last night was a night of drunken debauchery with coworkers. We chatted with people we met at the bus stop afterwards, and got weed from a nice man, which I put in my pocket. Literally he stuffed weed in my hand! That's why you gotta love Vancouver. Everyone is so generous with their green.

My friend, baker boy, who is extremely good at baking, made sure he stayed with me until I got on the bus home. I've only tried his cookies and apple loaf, but that man is talented. He even said he is in school, studying so he can eventually get a government job helping immigrants and refugees. Man... baked goods and a humanitarian? Sign me up, haha.

Anyway it didn't matter in the end because I fell asleep on the bus and woke up at the last stop, which was Surrey Central. Good thing my partner calls me every night so I was on the phone with him when I awoke and realized I fucked up! I ended up taking a cab to his place and crashing there. Bless to Surrey Central cabs always being there. God always provides!

I didn't even write about the last couple times I went out drinking with coworkers... let's just say I jumped down the seawall and somehow scrambled back up, tried to drink literal fountain water before realizing we could just walk to 7-11... and another time I was all riled up for playfighting and flipped my friend off the seat he was sitting on. Twice. In the bar.

Drunk me is ridiculous. Truly. The downside is all the injuries I wake up with the next day, haha!!!

Sink Or Swim

Another long day, but I'm feelin' fine. I won $80 in points to spend on our company website, where the points are used to purchase rewards! 💝 I was looking at some jewelry, home appliances, and lots of other knick-knacks. Still not sure what to get; should I go with something practical, or something memorable? It's always hard to decide between the two. In the end, I used the points to get a small pink Le Creuset casserole dish for my mom. Why not?

Speaking of which, mom left to HK on Monday to spend time with grandma. She'll be back in one month, but I'm feeling uncomfortable about not having her around. For starters, I have to start waking up early to walk Jax, because usually I walk him in the evenings and she tanks the morning outing.

I'm really lucky I have my sister and brother to help me with my dog. For sure, I wouldn't be able to do it without my family, with my schedule. My partner takes him out for long walks as well; man my dog loves him! He always gets super excited when my partner comes over.

Oh my gosh... so my coworkers told me I have a good singing voice, which I am really shy about. I love singing and memorizing lyrics, but I don't consider myself any better than anyone else. Music is a second language, one that we can use to express ourselves, the same as writing for me.

I'm halfway through my work week and I am exhausted. I start work in a bit and I am already wanting to go home! But, I have bills to pay, so I have to endure it. Seriously though...

9/20 Update

My past weekend was spent going out with the fam-jam and going out with friends, and I am exhausted! I went with my S/O and my sister and her friend to eat Korean food, and then afterwards we went to see "IT". We went to Bulk Barn in New West to buy a bunch of snacks for the movie, and that place is awesome! I loaded up on corn nuts, candy/lollipops, pine nuts, cookies and more. That movie was definitely worth the ticket price, as it was over 2 hours long! The special effects were impressive, but I didn't find the movie particularly scary.

The next day, I met up with a friend for lunch at West Oak in Yaletown. I really like that restaurant, I went once with my partner a while back. I didn't bother taking photos, but I had crab cakes to start and a scallop gnocchi main. We knocked back our cocktails and chatted. It felt great to treat myself after being so stressed out from work.

Later, we moved onto drinks and dinner with another friend at Earl's. Seriously, I had a steak and prawn dinner after that heavy lunch. YOLO! 💁 I need to cut back on the splurging, but I hadn't treated myself in a while so I figured, why not?! I brought lunch to work for the past 2 weeks, so with that money saved, I might as well.

I feel like... life has settled into a lukewarm routine this year. Repetitive, but not unenjoyable. I need to go wash up and head to bed, but I felt like blogging something tonight. Man, this blog is old. Posts since 2009, baby!

My hair has been slowly growing. I regret not taking pictures and posting more of my summer nail sets, hair colours, and purchases, but I don't have much time to document things these days. I've been lazy and unmotivated. I've been feeling lately that life = experiences to be enjoyed in the moment, instead of always stopping to take photos of everything to preserve.  I still occasionally do, but only when the moment feels right. 

Maybe I'll slowly put snippets here and there of daily life, but with everything so busy I can't really commit. This upcoming weekend I have a Brennan Heart concert, and the very next morning I go out with my friend for breakfast/glazing the mugs we sculpted out of clay at a studio, and then the weekend after I have to attend my friend's DJ gig at a club. No rest for the weary, always... I just want a lazy morning in bed... 💭 I used to say "sleep is for the weak!" but now I can barely remember back to those days!

1/2 September

I bought a new side table for my room, and I've somewhat decided to assemble it myself. Not that I have ever, ever assembled a single piece of furniture by myself.

It's kinda funny because I'm currently working as a TSR but admittedly I've never had to set up a cablebox or internet modem. It's not something I'm proud of, or anything snobby like that, but someone has always taken care of it for me. My partner assembled all the furniture in my bedroom when we moved to Burnaby, and usually my partner takes care of all the building and heavy lifting. I guess it's a funny thing? How one's appearance dictates how people treat them. But I suppose I've always known that.

The only piece of furniture I've ever helped, and by helped I mean helped disassemble, was my friend Laerie's loft bed. That was quite a fun bonding activity.

Anyway, I opened the box with my side table and feel lost already. My partner was confused as to why I didn't want him to build it for me. He offered twice... I guess I'll attempt it first!

Make that 3 times... LOL!♡

Lost In Thoughts

you are the ocean's grey waves,
destined to seek life beyond the shore
just out of reach

I'm emotionally exhausted. I have nothing more to give or offer at all. I'm a fury of confusion and smoke and mirrors all together in one. It's exhausting. I don't know who I am or what I want. All I know is that I'm living this lie and causing casualties on all sides.

I don't really want what I think I want, that's the confusing part. And what I want, I know I shouldn't have. Like wanting the cake and eating it, too. It just doesn't work out... so why am I always falling into the same pitfalls over and over?

This month... I know it's never going to get anywhere or amount to anything. I just have to wait for this month to be over. But, why do I feel like I want something to happen? It's not going to because it can never be, it's forbidden on all frontiers.

Another Life

I will lay down my weapons in the fire, for higher love
Armour on, you use your heart as a fortress 

Everything bleeds together in some sort of weird, hot mess. Feelings, memories, and people.

I feel like I'm always caught in the middle of something, searching endlessly for a feeling or emotion reminiscent of the past.

Blue eyes and blond hair, a light-eyed brunette; everything repeats itself over and over. My life is filled with memories and emotions that I fight to suppress, but everything is ultimately still very much a part of me.

It's month 3 into my new job at work. I managed to meet some new friends, and I am beyond grateful for their support. But it seems like I shouldn't get too attached because as my friend tells me, "coping is a necessary skill". And everyone is always leaving, coming in and out of our lives, so there needn't be too much attachment involved. Right? I don't know about that. All I really know is that life is short and we have to learn to cherish memories as we make them.

Today I finally hung out with Laer outside of work; we went to the library to study. She's leaving to Japan to study next year, so again, time together is cut short. The same thing happened with Karena... she went back to Japan too, and it was pretty sudden. I can always try to go there and visit them, but everything takes time. And another year passing by seems so difficult for me to embrace as I age.

A Brief Recap

Finally! A weekend! 🙇 I was feeling so burnt out from work this week. Even though all I do is sit in front of a computer and talk to people the whole day, my body feels sore and sluggish. I'm actually worried about developing carpal tunnel...

On Thursday, I sat with the boys in my training class during lunch break. They all offered me some of their food; I didn't buy any lunch that day. I need to start bringing some healthy foods to work for lunch. My break isn't long enough for me to wander far for eats, unfortunately. Anyway, I got a hot wing, a bit of pita bread wrap, and a piece of chocolate chip cookie. I felt grateful at that time, because sharing food with others is something important to me. I was happy that they considered me close enough to put effort to be nice to me. Two of them always make an effort to greet me, which may be a cultural thing, but it does make me feel valued in the group. Oh I know, I'm too sensitive! 🙈

On Friday after work, my Kawaii Kru friends and I went to the Orpheum Theatre to watch Pokemon Symphonic Evolutions. I wanted to hear more songs from Gold/Silver/Crystal, but they only played a few. The most memorable was "Ecruteak City". I actually cried! Well that doesn't take much, but I was moved. That was from my childhood, man. Nostalgic feelings ensued.

And... Saturday. Well, work, and then a childhood friend of mine and I went to eat dinner and see the new Spiderman movie, which tbh was a bit boring, but the Suit Lady was named Karen. Probably because it's my birthday soon 💖 so the universe is preparing. I even rolled my 5* Summer Robin with +SPD -HP IVs... thanks to the advice of my friend. I'm merging her with my existing Robin~ I love the Ylissean Summer banner! The beach babes are A+! 😍😘 I am lucky to roll Summer Robin and Summer Tiki.

Jackpot, baby. I love fish+spear designs!

One thing that bothers me this month so far is that I went to the hairstylist and I tried a new person and while the colour came out fine, I realized over the course of a few days that the hair wasn't cut very well... I feel so gross with my hair that after work on Thursday I have to rush to Leo for him to fix it. It literally looks like the lady snipped off inches from my hair and didn't bother to touch the ends up. My hair is uneven; one side is longer than the other, and for some reason the front of my hair is longer than the back... I hate it so much but I'm trying to cope. I have never had my hair so ugly... lol. I am still waiting on a response from the stylist to see what she says about it.

Anyway... I'm trying to get back into blogging... gotta record my day somehow so I can remember the good times and vent occasionally about disgruntling times. 😁

Parasite

I've been praying for somebody to save me, no one's heroic

The next day fell onto her like a heavy cloud of rain. But she knew she would pull through. The clouds always lifted eventually; that was a fact of life. She wasn't going to chase after her demons and beg them for forgiveness, or second chances. The rain would fall freely upon her and wash everything foul from her life like a cleansing shower.

It was a rebirth. And yet, there was a pang of weakness. Not because she mourned for the past, but of uncertainty. Standing on her own two feet felt like she was a newly born foal, stumbling and struggling to walk even the smallest steps.

"You made the right choice," Ethan said. His voice sounded faraway on the phone. "You deserve to be happy, and you don't want people like that in your life, do you?"

She heard a female voice behind Ethan's. "You're better off without all that stress!"

She nodded to herself and hung up the call. However, it was still hard to dream about the future. Right now, she had to focus on healing. And she did know the lesson life was trying to teach her.

The feelings she had, after all, weren't normal. She wasn't supposed to feel this way about him, yet she did, and she couldn't stop the emotions that swelled forward from her heart.

There was no way it was ever going to happen. Just because they had been childhood friends years ago didn't make any of it acceptable. But the way he treated her both infuriated her and stirred up old feelings she didn't realize were there before.

"Let it go," she mumbled to herself. "This is crazy!"

Saying the words out loud did little to alleviate the strange pressure in her chest.

What she would give to actually feel something... different.

Procrastination

I thought I would write a brief blog post about how I've been doing these days, but I think I'll throw on a documentary and lounge in bed instead. I'm really interested in documentaries, especially when they cover deep sea life, animals, or anything really.

See you tomorrow~

Magnificence

She was someone... something from far away. Another galaxy, otherworldly. He knew this about her; she was the only one he had ever truly loved. That he would love forever, hold in his heart forever as their relationship was built on friendship. Love and friendship, late nights and lack of sleep, dreaming over and over without awakening.

I...

I knew that our place had a time. And that time is forever gone, or frozen where it was. I can't go back, and it will never reach me again. But memories will always be there. I remember when we used to love each other, under the sun, laughing. Our place had a time when I still needed you to fly. 

Everyone grows up, sometime.

Fates & Dreams

Disclaimer: This is a personal blog. I use this blog as a means to record my life, thoughts, and random things--like an online diary. If you don't like anything here, please leave!

I had a strange dream last night about Fire Emblem. Since the new app launched with the mobile game FE Heroes, I've been playing it for the past few days and subconsciously things must have seeped into my head!

In my dream, I was in a wedding gown walking down the aisle of an arena to marry Kamui/Corrin from FE Fates! 😐 He was dressed in all black and a black cape with fur trim. It was the weirdest thing ever, seeing as I am a fangirl but never thought of the character that way until I saw him in FE Heroes.

Anyway, I basically had to marry him because we needed to solidify the bonds between our worlds with an alliance. Afterwards we were taken to our living quarters, a home of some sort, with rooms already prepared for the future kids. I guess they expected us to have some... err... and as we walked into the master bedroom together I remember feeling super awkward. What an awkward dream! I'm sure fangirls would love to have this sort of dream about their biases but it was plain strange for me.

Personally, in FE Fates, I am quite fond of Takumi, but only because I think of how fun it would be to brush through his long beautiful hair. I don't actually like his personality or his look that much... I don't know if I really like any male character that much in this series. However, I am fond of the avatar's son Kana, as well as Hinoka and Selkie. It's odd for me because I prefer long hair on girls, but short is cute too!

This dream kinda reminds me of how I always make my avatar marry Chrom in FE Awakening for the two children, Lucina and Morgan. I don't even like Chrom that much, but the support convos between him and the avatar are cute. I honestly can't decide which is the better child, male Morgan or Kana... they're both sweet little peas. I wish real life would be as fun and whimsical as a video game.