Faraway Home

Wow, my heart hurts tonight. (What's new, you say? Ugh.) It's a little past 3AM and I still can't sleep. I don't feel tired, there's an infestation of thoughts in my mind.

You are my favourite mistake

The one I keep loving to make

I can't stop myself from floating around in a dream world, and it hurts too much for my feet to touch the ground. Everyone coddles me, and I walk around pretending like I deserve it, flaunting my apparent selflessness. But... am I truly the "big sister" I long to be? Am I truly so selfless, now? The person I struggle to embody, versus the true person I am inside... they seem so different. Night and day, black and white. I can't fully open my eyes, no matter how hard I try. Who can see in the darkness?

Lately, I've been 
I've been thinking 
I want you to be happier

I should've stayed at home 

'Cause right now I see all these people that love me 

But I still feel alone 

Even though I might not like this 

I think that you'll be happier

I want you to be happier

I wasn't made for you 

And you weren't made for me 

Though it seemed so easy

I don't know what I'm doing, I'm floating in the ocean, aimless, distraught, treading water for show. I can't figure anything out, sometimes. I only have feelings, tons of overflowing feelings.

What would make me happy? If I could attain that "fairytale ending", that fairytale for show? Would I truly be happy then, or would I still be pretending? I can't scratch the itch that calls for my happiness. And it's quite upsetting, no matter how much I try to extend myself to aid and care for others.

I've worked for, and attained, the personal goals I've set for myself. I have numerous friends in different circles; church friends, work friends, school friends, and even two casual gaming friend groups. I'm an OG, a leader for the neighbourhood group of friends and everyone seems to be getting along swimmingly. So... what is it, then? Do I long to feel something, anything at all? Longing for something to come and sweep my off my feet, to show me something different from all I've ever known?

I pray that God leads me closer to him, and leads me closer to revealing His glory in me.