Quietness

Here I sit, drinking coffee made from a french press. I've just finished reading "Passion & Purity" by Elisabeth Elliot, and the book has left me pondering about a great many things - precisely, things that concern my walk with God.

My home church, Tenth Church in Mount Pleasant, has been a place God called me to. I am fortunate enough to serve on the children's ministry, and I feel that is a great blessing. I'm also on the connections team as an usher but I don't enjoy that position as much, even though I will do what I am called to do. Recently I met a group of lovely girls from church and bonded closely with one of them. It's funny how life turns out speckled with signs from God when one is a believer.

But I digress. I feel a calling for me to start writing again, and to start being less fearful. I'll see how well I can abide.

Breakthrough

So, as you all probably know, I've started this new journey towards spiritual growth. Abiding, or striving? There's a lot of things I have to choose to give up, and I'm happily giving those things up to improve myself. Which sadly means, no more erotic fanfiction unless I get further notice. I apparently shouldn't indulge in the creation of ... inappropriate materials. o__o" I mean, I was dabbling in it for fun; I don't think writing it controlled my life in any way and I wasn't obsessed by it, but... I think it's easier to let it go than wonder if writing that stuff hinders my growth.

We live in a pretty fallen world, huh? I wish I didn't have to worry.

Anyway, this last week I've had two more friends confess that they have romantic feelings for me. HAHA... I don't know why this keeps happening, I guess people are lonely during the holiday season. And I don't know how to respond, other than "Thank you for being honest, I can't return your romantic feelings but I return all the other feelings you have for me..." Isn't that a pretty textbook response? I truly don't get what my friends see in me; I'm so flawed. I'm not that pretty. I have so many messed-up areas in my life... and they know it, too. I shared so many of my thoughts and experiences with them, but despite getting a glimpse at my feelings and flaws, they're still drawn to like me? Pretty mind-blowing, to think that others would see me as "hecca cute". But if that's popular consensus then... who am I to argue with what the people see or feel?

Meanwhile... My heart has been aching, because I've been yearning for something that I'm too weak to reach out for. I'm just going to sit on my ass until I receive proper instructions on how to proceed, haha... I mean, I'm just one big embarrassing blob.

I've been tearing myself apart in the search for answers about where I need healing. I can't always be completely transparent to everyone on this public blogging site, but I struggle a lot with being cool, calm, and collected. I have a lot of energy within me and I need to exercise self-control. I am also pretty prideful and impatient, and easily irritated by others. So I need to learn to purge those negative qualities away, as well.

Blinding Light

pressure that's meant to break me
is strength to me now
fire burning, and i'm a flame
inside me, a heart gone silent
is beating again

i got faith in love again
in a place that was hurting
i got faith in love again
and i am unbroken

--faith in love / kokiri & dragonette

I woke up today and felt gloomy. Yesterday was fine, but today felt like I woke up on the cold, hard floor. Last night I was reading Corinthians and Ephesians, lamenting over the fact that we please God when we proclaim our love for Him, and we must strive to eternally sing his praises and show our gratitude to His mercy. However, this tires me. I'm only a human being, I'm not Jesus. Jesus never sinned, and he was sacrificed so that we would be saved, and I'm not saying I'm not grateful or that I don't love Jesus. But surely God understands the limits of mortality in this broken, fallen world? I've sinned and I am a sinner, I will sin until the day I die.

I need to investigate further. There's still so much I don't understand. I know God loves me, that I am a child of God, and that everything in life happens due to His divine grace. I shouldn't fear trials, death, humility, or serving others. But this bends me backwards; human nature's baseline is selfishness, IMO. It takes colossal strength to go against the current, especially in a society that encourages selfishness and vanity.

I am... hoping that one day I can feel like I can love and trust again. I'm starting to realize that I never did. I don't know what love is! I've always maintained that I know familial love, love for family and friends for example, or even pets. But romantic love escapes me. Perhaps I'm afraid of it. I like being in control, and falling in love is too vulnerable and frightening for my fragile heart. I understand this and know this, and I am working actively to correct this.

Humility... ugh. So uncomfortable! But I must continue to live to serve.
I understand that I have a purpose here on earth; I don't feel that everything is meaningless.