Light Feelings

I'm in love with an ideal, I think. I'm not sure yet, because I haven't journeyed far enough down the path to know for sure. But it seems to me that I keep making the same mistakes, even though I consciously know I should be doing better.

I stretch my arms out for help, but remain unsure of what that help looks like. All I know is that my sister Leanne is supportive of me, and tells me what I'm going through is normal, but the ache, that dull soreness, reminds me that I've done... things that are not righteous. And for those things, I'm not sure. I know they're wrong, but they feel... they make me feel placated, like dressing a wound with a bandage.

I need grace. I have grace. But... can I change? Am I changing?


Friends from my neighbourhood group have gotten together to play a homebrew campaign of DnD. I really enjoy it! My character is Maya Sho, a ranger and daughter of the Sho Clan in Morinville. The party consists of a wizard named Ames Sterling (Fey), a blacksmith cleric named Kallaheid Montauk (Vinn), Fergus the paladin (Jon), and Casey Sho (Kim's rogue).

We go to explore the strange deaths of cattle on Bertha's farm, discovering horrors that lead the party into our rival clan's territory. It's a lot of fun and I can't wait for our next session on Sunday.

Lune Rogue

show me where the light stays
meet me on the highway 

i wish i could create something to move others. i wish i could move myself. i'm trapped and lost at the same time.

what can i do to break out of my own mind? life is, good. or is it, bad?
life is filled with endless torments, and yet, i yearn for the brief moments where the sunlight breaks through the cracks in the broken window of my heart.

Blinding Light

pressure that's meant to break me
is strength to me now
fire burning, and i'm a flame
inside me, a heart gone silent
is beating again

i got faith in love again
in a place that was hurting
i got faith in love again
and i am unbroken

--faith in love / kokiri & dragonette

I woke up today and felt gloomy. Yesterday was fine, but today felt like I woke up on the cold, hard floor. Last night I was reading Corinthians and Ephesians, lamenting over the fact that we please God when we proclaim our love for Him, and we must strive to eternally sing his praises and show our gratitude to His mercy. However, this tires me. I'm only a human being, I'm not Jesus. Jesus never sinned, and he was sacrificed so that we would be saved, and I'm not saying I'm not grateful or that I don't love Jesus. But surely God understands the limits of mortality in this broken, fallen world? I've sinned and I am a sinner, I will sin until the day I die.

I need to investigate further. There's still so much I don't understand. I know God loves me, that I am a child of God, and that everything in life happens due to His divine grace. I shouldn't fear trials, death, humility, or serving others. But this bends me backwards; human nature's baseline is selfishness, IMO. It takes colossal strength to go against the current, especially in a society that encourages selfishness and vanity.

I am... hoping that one day I can feel like I can love and trust again. I'm starting to realize that I never did. I don't know what love is! I've always maintained that I know familial love, love for family and friends for example, or even pets. But romantic love escapes me. Perhaps I'm afraid of it. I like being in control, and falling in love is too vulnerable and frightening for my fragile heart. I understand this and know this, and I am working actively to correct this.

Humility... ugh. So uncomfortable! But I must continue to live to serve.
I understand that I have a purpose here on earth; I don't feel that everything is meaningless.

Long Time Coming

Hello... it's me, writing from the abyss. This broken world...
And I don't really have anything to say! I guess I should try and write like I did in old times, back 7 years ago. But I can't. My adult mind is crippled.

Maybe I should go play some bingo.