Code Black

it's so much harder to fall out of love
than to fall in love
you make me live and die again 

--epik high

Nothing could change her, the girl with the dark eyes. None of life's lessons reached her. Nothing was able to touch her anymore.

She was so beyond them now, so immersed in lies and sin.

The moment he had taken her under his wing, the moment she accepted the fate he handed her, was the moment her only doorway back to a normal life finally shut.

He liked to show her off at parties; she knew the red backless dress she wore was his favourite. She sat perched on his knee, laughing along with a drink, his hand pressed against the small of her back as if to physically remind her who she belonged to.

She didn't care. It wasn't something she necessarily disagreed with. The nights they spend together had spanned into years now, breeding familiarity and comfort.

Been awhile since I’ve seen you around
Funny catching you here on my ground
You look good, I can tell you've been sleeping
Isn’t this the kind of party you hate?

One night, she drunkenly bumped into an old acquaintance.

She saw him through blurred eyes, clumsily pulling the hem of her skirt down as he stared at her. Her vision drifted in and out of focus, until she caught the gleam of his hair colour in the neon lights and recognition briefly flooded her face.

An outstretched hand grasped at his dress shirt. It took her a moment to register that the hand reaching out was her own.

He made to knock her hand aside, but stilled himself. Her face was flushed red, but not from embarrassment.

"Well, hello sunshine," she laughed, words flowing in a sing-song voice. "Long time no see."

"Long time, indeed."

If he was nervous, he didn't show it. And she was cloaked in a veil of false bravado.

“Things used to be so different, didn’t they, Karelos?”

“No one calls me that anymore.”

“You can go by any name you want, but you’re still always going to be Karelos to me.”

“Gee, I never knew you to be so sentimental.”

Disgruntled, he stepped towards her and brought his face up close against hers. He meant to intimidate her, but she knew better. Maya tilted her head up so that their lips were inches apart.

“Go on,” she murmured, inhaling sharply to steady her pounding heartbeat. “I dare you.”

He paused. After a moment he stepped back. 

"You're the same as always," she said coolly. "All talk."

"We're not children anymore. Grow up."

She ignored his comment. "Join me in a drink?"

Maya poured herself another drink and downed the clear liquid, feeling it burn down her throat.

The inquisitive, fearless girl was gone; in her place stood an empty woman, the shell of someone he once knew.

He couldn't stop the words from pouring out his mouth.

I can tell what you’re thinking
You’ll always be making the worst of it all
Did you think by now I’d be crashing and burning
Straight through the wall

She heard his voice, but it all seemed far away, like she was trapped in a glass case.

"You used me."

She couldn't make out if the words were an accusation. His light eyes stared straight into her; his face held no emotion.

"So what?"

"You treated everyone like shit, you know? You couldn't see how selfish you were."

"That's funny, coming from you. You're as selfish as they come."

"I cared about you. That's the difference."

"You think I didn't care?"

"You didn't care about how you made us feel. No wonder she started hating you."

"I'm done with this conversation." She slammed the glass down. "Leave!"

"Why should I?"

She watched, amused, as he stood frozen. His eyes were still unreadable.

"Because you know what I can do."

When he turned and disappeared down the hall, she found herself smiling in satisfaction. Then, heart still pounding, she forced herself to choke down the remaining alcohol.

Same as I ever was
I do it all because
Life’s too short to not live wild
Same as I ever was
High on a couple drugs
Life’s too short to not live wild
Live wild, live wild

She remembered their first date; he had worn a navy blue pea coat with a gray sweater and jeans. His blond hair was ashy like smoke, his bangs curling around his face like vine tendrils.

A feeling of awe had consumed her, as she had never seen such a striking man before. There was something different about him, something otherworldly. He was radiant, glowing with passion in all his mannerisms and expressions.
Perhaps that was why she became so fixated on him, back in the day. She was only seventeen at the time, and he was a foreign exchange student working at a coffee shop.

The days they spent together were like a dream. Summer days. She loved him; she knew she loved him. Until one morning she woke in early October, and he was gone. How she had cried, been inconsolable for weeks. The pain of those times still echoed in her chest.

She blinked, eyes wet. She pulled herself up into a sitting position and swiped away the tears with the back of her hand.

 

I don’t care about the consequence

I don’t need it all to make any sense

You always hesitate to have a good time

I hope you’re happy in your house of glass