Thursday, October 19, 2017

Raw

we set the illusion that we're cut to shape
behind it all we're broken and afraid,

grinding to the dust

What is wrong with me?

The decisions I make, all in a mock imitation of "righteousness", coming back to bite me in the arse. Is it so? 

I can't know, I don't know, can someone tell me?

Manipulative, guarded, childish -- all would be accurate when describing who I am as a person.

Do others see and feel the same things I do?

Why am I so scared to uncover what it is I really want?

I want to say I regret it, but I don't. 

Maybe I find it fun; the thrill of the chase is the predator sinking its fangs into prey. 

But even the predator devours the prey for nourishment. I toy with my food for amusement.

I wish I could say I regret it. But I don't.

And all I want is more, until everything crumbles around me.
What the fuck happened yesterday?

Monday, October 16, 2017

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ FE: Heroes ~Passion of the Summoner~


There came a knock on the door. Kiran got off her bed, the hem of her nightgown swishing at her feet.

The door opened to reveal Ephraim, the crown prince of Renais.

"Prince Ephraim! What are you doing here?" Kiran exclaimed, clearly startled by his appearance. "It's nearly midnight, milord. You should be resting."

"May I come in?" Ephraim asked. "Princess Shareena informed me that you wanted a sparring partner. Be assured that I am a cut above the rest."

Kiran blinked. It was true that she had mentioned wanting to learn to fight, but she hadn't expected Shareena to take action so quickly. "Milord, perhaps we should reschedule training for another day? It's late, and I don't think I have the energy right this moment."

Saturday, October 14, 2017

Torn

so if you're lonely,
you know I'm here waiting for you

October has finally started feeling like fall. I wake with a slight chill in the room, but nestled under the warmth of several blankets, I feel at ease.

My work schedule has been smoothing out as well. I start work anywhere between 10AM~12PM, which I prefer anyway. I'm not so much a morning person; I need at least an hour and a half to prepare everything in the morning, so if I had to work at 9AM, I would have to wake up at 7:30AM! Which is pretty brutal, if you ask me. Some people can, I can't.

Plus, it's always a rush when I need to take my dog out for his morning rounds. I feel bad because I prioritize lazing in bed for a few moments more over rolling out of bed to walk him earlier. But I will improve that, I am aware of it, I will change.

Tuesday, October 10, 2017

Cosmic Remedy


i feel the love,
let the past burn into the sun

There was the boy with sandy brown hair and sad eyes. I often saw him on the train in the mornings, on my way to work.

Others around him listened to music or played on their phones, but not him. He always looked deep in thought, with his brow slightly furrowed as he stared out the window. He appeared young, too young to have such a sad expression.

He looked like someone I knew; that's what I told myself whenever I saw him. Perhaps I was trying to convince myself. Perhaps I was just lonely.

Couldn't it be both?


Sunday, October 8, 2017

It's Okay


can't you see you're my dream?
i can't bear to lose

I don't know what life is supposed to be, but I'm floatin' along anyway. Right now everything is so peaceful, and at ease. In any case, life is always full of surprises, and I hope it's a feeling that no one, and nothing, can ever permanently take away from me.

I stayed up all night reading the novel Salt to the Sea. I could not stop reading! Each page was gripping; the story and characters were riveting. I eagerly devoured each line and flipped through the pages until the end.

That is how I want to write -- something beautiful and tangled and tragic like that novel. I was so afraid Joana and Florian would have a sad ending; every time they interacted, I internally screamed for them to open up to each other. This book seriously gripped me, I can't even explain!

Are we not going to talk about how Florian was younger and Joana was 21? That's epic. Like, when do novels ever show a relationship between a younger man and older woman? I don't know. Revolutionary.

Of course, they had to throw in a wise old man and cute kid -- Heinz and Klaus, respectively. God, I know I will be re-reading this book.

I won't touch on Emilia's sad backstory because I'm sure everyone was as shocked as me when they discovered the truth, but her character was selfless and angelic in a different way than Joana. Emilia was so attached to Florian, I didn't know why at first, but I assumed it was because she was attracted to him. In the end, Emilia did show care towards Joana and even Ingrid, oh my goodness the poor blind gal. I'm ranting and gushing about this novel and it is just pretty sad that I don't have anyone to really share my passion for stories with nowadays. Nobody even reads anymore, do they?

Thursday, October 5, 2017

Midnight

we were dancing in summer rain,
i knew we would end in pain

The soft ring of a cellphone echoed through the dark room, accompanied by a low buzzing. Its owner grunted, rolling over in a mess of twisted white sheets. He stretched his arm out and grabbed it; by then it had fallen silent.

He brushed strands of golden hair out of his eyes and squinted at the glowing screen.

Missed call from...

Wednesday, October 4, 2017

Fortune

Another long day, over with! I'm happy to report that my pasta sauce was well-received by all! My friend at work liked it, and when I came home I found all remnants of it were gone, consumed by my brother (and his friends, apparently).

And what goes around comes around, because my work mom, a nice older lady, was nice enough to bring lunch for me! I got a pulled pork and mushroom sandwich with a de-licious~ lime tart. It was scrumptious, divine even! I could taste the texture of the rind in the filling. I savoured every bite.

In any case...

I need to start taking better care of my dog. I'm pretty lazy to brush his teeth, and I want to switch his food back to what it was before. I don't think he's doing that well on the new food I bought him; I'm planning to switch him to Orijen senior for convenience, but I might try out Crudo dog food for a raw diet. The only problem is with my work schedule, I don't know who might be feeding him and taking him out in the evenings. I guess I could switch to feeding him once a day, but that seems kinda cruel.

Tuesday, October 3, 2017

Missing In Action

I am finally in bed, comfortable, after another long day. I'm kinda sleepy, and I'm not really in the mood to blog but I am keen to record my thoughts for another night in existence.

I went to support my friend who was DJing at a nightclub last Saturday. I had a really good time dancing and drinking and just about blacked out near the end of the night on the ride home. I vaguely remember chowing down a filet-o-fish, fries, and pretty much 20 chicken nuggets in my stupor. But, I am proud of drunk Karen because she marched into the bathroom and took off her makeup and even took a bath! Wow. Except then she collapsed in bed in a wet towel and fell asleep with her hair in a bun. Heh.

I'm bummed that I dropped my compass card somewhere that night, too.

In any case, today I made a creamy tomato pasta sauce with beans and peas. It was spur of the moment because my friend was talking about making pasta and I suddenly felt compelled to make some. I shyly asked if she wanted me to bring some for her tomorrow and she said yes! I am shy about my cooking. I feel like people wouldn't find it tasty.

Earlier in the week, I made soup out of leftover pork back bone and veggies. It wasn't bad! It was a new creation. I left it on the stove, and my sister tried some. I felt pretty happy when I came home and saw someone had eaten some. I suppose cooking is, like everything else in life, a skill to be honed.

This year I am attending a thanksgiving potluck where I will be bringing mashed potatoes. I am debating whether or not to mash bacon or chives into it, but I think keeping it simple is the best bet. I am grateful for my friend who is always considerate of me. She said I was one of her best buds! I am glad and honoured to be her friend, and I really hope she likes my random pasta and sauce tomorrow.

I feel like I have dreams that are hard to realize, sometimes. I am slowly wading through life, but am none the wiser. I want to feel what I've always been searching for, not knowing what that is, but wanting it nonetheless. I suppose everything is, in itself, a reaction.

Thursday, September 28, 2017

Into The Wild

I have to question my life decisions lol. Last night was a night of drunken debauchery with coworkers. We chatted with people we met at the bus stop afterwards, and got weed from a nice man, which I put in my pocket. Literally he stuffed weed in my hand! That's why you gotta love Vancouver. Everyone is so generous with their green.

My friend, baker boy, who is extremely good at baking, made sure he stayed with me until I got on the bus home. I've only tried his cookies and apple loaf, but that man is talented. He even said he is in school, studying so he can eventually get a government job helping immigrants and refugees. Man... baked goods and a humanitarian? Sign me up, haha.

Anyway it didn't matter in the end because I fell asleep on the bus and woke up at the last stop, which was Surrey Central. Good thing my partner calls me every night so I was on the phone with him when I awoke and realized I fucked up! I ended up taking a cab to his place and crashing there. Bless to Surrey Central cabs always being there. God always provides!

I didn't even write about the last couple times I went out drinking with coworkers... let's just say I jumped down the seawall and somehow scrambled back up, tried to drink literal fountain water before realizing we could just walk to 7-11... and another time I was all riled up for playfighting and flipped my friend off the seat he was sitting on. Twice. In the bar.

Drunk me is ridiculous. Truly. The downside is all the injuries I wake up with the next day, haha!!!

Wednesday, September 27, 2017

Sink Or Swim

Another long day, but I'm feelin' fine. I won $80 in points to spend on our company website, where the points are used to purchase rewards! 💝 I was looking at some jewelry, home appliances, and lots of other knick-knacks. Still not sure what to get; should I go with something practical, or something memorable? It's always hard to decide between the two. In the end, I used the points to get a small pink Le Creuset casserole dish for my mom. Why not?

Speaking of which, mom left to HK on Monday to spend time with grandma. She'll be back in one month, but I'm feeling uncomfortable about not having her around. For starters, I have to start waking up early to walk Jax, because usually I walk him in the evenings and she tanks the morning outing.

I'm really lucky I have my sister and brother to help me with my dog. For sure, I wouldn't be able to do it without my family, with my schedule. My partner takes him out for long walks as well; man my dog loves him! He always gets super excited when my partner comes over.

Oh my gosh... so my coworkers told me I have a good singing voice, which I am really shy about. I love singing and memorizing lyrics, but I don't consider myself any better than anyone else. Music is a second language, one that we can use to express ourselves, the same as writing for me.

I'm halfway through my work week and I am exhausted. I start work in a bit and I am already wanting to go home! But, I have bills to pay, so I have to endure it. Seriously though...

Wednesday, September 20, 2017

9/20 Update

My past weekend was spent going out with the fam-jam and going out with friends, and I am exhausted! I went with my S/O and my sister and her friend to eat Korean food, and then afterwards we went to see "IT". We went to Bulk Barn in New West to buy a bunch of snacks for the movie, and that place is awesome! I loaded up on corn nuts, candy/lollipops, pine nuts, cookies and more. That movie was definitely worth the ticket price, as it was over 2 hours long! The special effects were impressive, but I didn't find the movie particularly scary.

The next day, I met up with a friend for lunch at West Oak in Yaletown. I really like that restaurant, I went once with my partner a while back. I didn't bother taking photos, but I had crab cakes to start and a scallop gnocchi main. We knocked back our cocktails and chatted. It felt great to treat myself after being so stressed out from work.

Later, we moved onto drinks and dinner with another friend at Earl's. Seriously, I had a steak and prawn dinner after that heavy lunch. YOLO! 💁 I need to cut back on the splurging, but I hadn't treated myself in a while so I figured, why not?! I brought lunch to work for the past 2 weeks, so with that money saved, I might as well.

I feel like... life has settled into a lukewarm routine this year. Repetitive, but not unenjoyable. I need to go wash up and head to bed, but I felt like blogging something tonight. Man, this blog is old. Posts since 2009, baby!

My hair has been slowly growing. I regret not taking pictures and posting more of my summer nail sets, hair colours, and purchases, but I don't have much time to document things these days. I've been lazy and unmotivated. I've been feeling lately that life = experiences to be enjoyed in the moment, instead of always stopping to take photos of everything to preserve.  I still occasionally do, but only when the moment feels right. 

Maybe I'll slowly put snippets here and there of daily life, but with everything so busy I can't really commit. This upcoming weekend I have a Brennan Heart concert, and the very next morning I go out with my friend for breakfast/glazing the mugs we sculpted out of clay at a studio, and then the weekend after I have to attend my friend's DJ gig at a club. No rest for the weary, always... I just want a lazy morning in bed... 💭 I used to say "sleep is for the weak!" but now I can barely remember back to those days!

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

1/2 September

I bought a new side table for my room, and I've somewhat decided to assemble it myself. Not that I have ever, ever assembled a single piece of furniture by myself.

It's kinda funny because I'm currently working as a TSR but admittedly I've never had to set up a cablebox or internet modem. It's not something I'm proud of, or anything snobby like that, but someone has always taken care of it for me. My partner assembled all the furniture in my bedroom when we moved to Burnaby, and usually my partner takes care of all the building and heavy lifting. I guess it's a funny thing? How one's appearance dictates how people treat them. But I suppose I've always known that.

The only piece of furniture I've ever helped, and by helped I mean helped disassemble, was my friend Laerie's loft bed. That was quite a fun bonding activity.

Anyway, I opened the box with my side table and feel lost already. My partner was confused as to why I didn't want him to build it for me. He offered twice... I guess I'll attempt it first!

Make that 3 times... LOL!♡

Sunday, August 20, 2017

Lost In Thoughts

you are the ocean's grey waves,
destined to seek life beyond the shore
just out of reach

I'm emotionally exhausted. I have nothing more to give or offer at all. I'm a fury of confusion and smoke and mirrors all together in one. It's exhausting. I don't know who I am or what I want. All I know is that I'm living this lie and causing casualties on all sides.

I don't really want what I think I want, that's the confusing part. And what I want, I know I shouldn't have. Like wanting the cake and eating it, too. It just doesn't work out... so why am I always falling into the same pitfalls over and over?

This month... I know it's never going to get anywhere or amount to anything. I just have to wait for this month to be over. But, why do I feel like I want something to happen? It's not going to because it can never be, it's forbidden on all frontiers.

Friday, August 18, 2017

Another Life

I will lay down my weapons in the fire, for higher love
Armor on, you use your heart as a fortress

Everything bleeds together in some sort of weird, hot mess. Feelings, memories, and people.

I feel like I'm always caught in the middle of something, searching endlessly for a feeling or emotion reminiscent of the past.

Blue eyes and blond hair, a light-eyed brunette; everything repeats itself over and over. My life is filled with memories and emotions that I fight to suppress, but everything is ultimately still very much a part of me.

It's month 3 into my new job at work. I managed to meet some new friends, and I am beyond grateful for their support. But it seems like I shouldn't get too attached because as my friend tells me, "coping is a necessary skill". And everyone is always leaving, coming in and out of our lives, so there needn't be too much attachment involved. Right? I don't know about that. All I really know is that life is short and we have to learn to cherish memories as we make them.

Today I finally hung out with Laer outside of work; we went to the library to study. She's leaving to Japan to study next year, so again, time together is cut short. The same thing happened with Karena... she went back to Japan too, and it was pretty sudden. I can always try to go there and visit them, but everything takes time. And another year passing by seems so difficult for me to embrace as I age.

Sunday, July 9, 2017

A Brief Recap

Finally! A weekend! 🙇 I was feeling so burnt out from work this week. Even though all I do is sit in front of a computer and talk to people the whole day, my body feels sore and sluggish. I'm actually worried about developing carpal tunnel...

On Thursday, I sat with the boys in my training class during lunch break. They all offered me some of their food; I didn't buy any lunch that day. I need to start bringing some healthy foods to work for lunch. My break isn't long enough for me to wander far for eats, unfortunately. Anyway, I got a hot wing, a bit of pita bread wrap, and a piece of chocolate chip cookie. I felt grateful at that time, because sharing food with others is something important to me. I was happy that they considered me close enough to put effort to be nice to me. Two of them always make an effort to greet me, which may be a cultural thing, but it does make me feel valued in the group. Oh I know, I'm too sensitive! 🙈

On Friday after work, my Kawaii Kru friends and I went to the Orpheum Theatre to watch Pokemon Symphonic Evolutions. I wanted to hear more songs from Gold/Silver/Crystal, but they only played a few. The most memorable was "Ecruteak City". I actually cried! Well that doesn't take much, but I was moved. That was from my childhood, man. Nostalgic feelings ensued.

And... Saturday. Well, work, and then a childhood friend of mine and I went to eat dinner and see the new Spiderman movie, which tbh was a bit boring, but the Suit Lady was named Karen. Probably because it's my birthday soon 💖 so the universe is preparing. I even rolled my 5* Summer Robin with +SPD -HP IVs... thanks to the advice of my friend. I'm merging her with my existing Robin~ I love the Ylissean Summer banner! The beach babes are A+! 😍😘 I am lucky to roll Summer Robin and Summer Tiki.

Jackpot, baby. I love fish+spear designs!

One thing that bothers me this month so far is that I went to the hairstylist and I tried a new person and while the colour came out fine, I realized over the course of a few days that the hair wasn't cut very well... I feel so gross with my hair that after work on Thursday I have to rush to Leo for him to fix it. It literally looks like the lady snipped off inches from my hair and didn't bother to touch the ends up. My hair is uneven; one side is longer than the other, and for some reason the front of my hair is longer than the back... I hate it so much but I'm trying to cope. I have never had my hair so ugly... lol. I am still waiting on a response from the stylist to see what she says about it.

Anyway... I'm trying to get back into blogging... gotta record my day somehow so I can remember the good times and vent occasionally about disgruntling times. 😁

Monday, June 5, 2017

Parasite

I've been praying for somebody to save me, no one's heroic

The next day fell onto her like a heavy cloud of rain. But she knew she would pull through. The clouds always lifted eventually; that was a fact of life. She wasn't going to chase after her demons and beg them for forgiveness, or second chances. The rain would fall freely upon her and wash everything foul from her life like a cleansing shower.

It was a rebirth. And yet, there was a pang of weakness. Not because she mourned for the past, but of uncertainty. Standing on her own two feet felt like she was a newly born foal, stumbling and struggling to walk even the smallest steps.

"You made the right choice," Ethan said. His voice sounded faraway on the phone. "You deserve to be happy, and you don't want people like that in your life, do you?"

She heard a female voice behind Ethan's. "You're better off without all that stress!"

She nodded to herself and hung up the call. However, it was still hard to dream about the future. Right now, she had to focus on healing. And she did know the lesson life was trying to teach her.

The feelings she had, after all, weren't normal. She wasn't supposed to feel this way about him, yet she did, and she couldn't stop the emotions that swelled forward from her heart.

There was no way it was ever going to happen. Just because they had been childhood friends years ago didn't make any of it acceptable. But the way he treated her both infuriated her and stirred up old feelings she didn't realize were there before.

"Let it go," she mumbled to herself. "This is crazy!"

Saying the words out loud did little to alleviate the strange pressure in her chest.

What she would give to actually feel something... different.

Saturday, June 3, 2017

Procrastination

I thought I would write a brief blog post about how I've been doing these days, but I think I'll throw on a documentary and lounge in bed instead. I'm really interested in documentaries, especially when they cover deep sea life, animals, or anything really.

See you tomorrow~

Thursday, March 16, 2017

Green Thumb?

Sometimes I wonder if Jesus is really watching. I told my mom over dinner that it sometimes feels like God is not with me. But today was an interesting day.
I went to work and got to talk to this lady with vibrant arm tattoos, mostly of flowers. She said she was a gardener. A landscaper for a living or something. This piqued my interest as I always wanted to grow things but never got the chance to because I have no idea what I'm doing haha.
So I got talking to this lady and she recommended I grow some mesclun lettuce and carrots. I decided to go for it so after work I went to the gardening store mere minutes drive from my home and picked up some organic soil, fertilizer, a bin and seeds. My sister and I also got some pre-sprouted lettuce to plant in a bin the previous house owners left behind!
The cool thing is that today happened to be customer appreciation day which meant we got 15% off everything and it only happens every 3rd Thursday of the month. What weird timing. Is there no rhyme or reason to our lives? Is it bad to hope that in life things mean more somehow?
So now we have a little set up going to test things out. I'm planning to plant some flowers in the soil bed outside our home. I guess I don't have to water everything that often, do I? Hahaha. Green onions next I guess!

Thursday, March 2, 2017

Magnificence

She was someone... something from far away. Another galaxy, otherworldly. He knew this about her; she was the only one he had ever truly loved. That he would love forever, hold in his heart forever as their relationship was built on friendship. Love and friendship, late nights and lack of sleep, dreaming over and over without awakening.

I...

I knew that our place had a time. And that time is forever gone, or frozen where it was. I can't go back, and it will never reach me again. But memories will always be there. I remember when we used to love each other, under the sun, laughing. Our place had a time when I still needed you to fly. 

Everyone grows up, sometime.

Monday, February 6, 2017

Fates & Dreams

Disclaimer: This is a personal blog. I use this blog as a means to record my life, thoughts, and random things--like an online diary. If you don't like anything here, please leave!



I had a strange dream last night about Fire Emblem. Since the new app launched with the mobile game FE Heroes, I've been playing it for the past few days and subconsciously things must have seeped into my head!

In my dream, I was in a wedding gown walking down the aisle of an arena to marry Kamui/Corrin from FE Fates! 😐 He was dressed in all black and a black cape with fur trim. It was the weirdest thing ever, seeing as I am a fangirl but never thought of the character that way until I saw him in FE Heroes.

Anyway, I basically had to marry him because we needed to solidify the bonds between our worlds with an alliance. Afterwards we were taken to our living quarters, a home of some sort, with rooms already prepared for the future kids. I guess they expected us to have some... err... and as we walked into the master bedroom together I remember feeling super awkward. What an awkward dream! I'm sure fangirls would love to have this sort of dream about their biases but it was plain strange for me.

Personally, in FE Fates, I am quite fond of Takumi, but only because I think of how fun it would be to brush through his long beautiful hair. I don't actually like his personality or his look that much... I don't know if I really like any male character that much in this series. However, I am fond of the avatar's son Kana, as well as Hinoka and Selkie. It's odd for me because I prefer long hair on girls, but short is cute too!

This dream kinda reminds me of how I always make my avatar marry Chrom in FE Awakening for the two children, Lucina and Morgan. I don't even like Chrom that much, but the support convos between him and the avatar are cute. I honestly can't decide which is the better child, male Morgan or Kana... they're both sweet little peas. I wish real life would be as fun and whimsical as a video game.

Re-Clawed

the claws that curve
beautifully
shining like city lights
stars at my fingertips
rip away the creativity 
my hands used 
to make.


Tumblr is the worst blogging site. The people there are toxic, judgmental, and have nothing good to say to others most of the time. My SO said to me, "Who even uses Tumblr?" I wholehearted agree with him, Tumblr users are fucking pretentious.

I had a personal blog for pictures on Tumblr for a bit and once I reposted some fanart with the caption "art not by me", and a user commented that I should remove it. Honey... I know some artists may hate reposts without permission, but some don't mind. If the original artist contacted me to remove the post I would do it.

I did try to find the source, but I believe it was reposted to Pinterest from a Japanese artist and I posted it to my personal Tumblr. People need to mind their own business... this is a private blog, I can post what I want here. I'm not claiming to have rights over the art or taking ownership for drawing it. Besides, a lot of social media sites (Instagram, even Google Photos if you use that) have policies stating that once you post the photo to their platform, they can use that image however they like without paying the person who created it.

Seriously...

On a brighter note, here are my unicorn nails for the month! Trendy? Take a closer look, I love them!!!💖💖💖