Sunday, August 20, 2017

lost in thoughts

you are the ocean's grey waves,
destined to seek life beyond the shore
just out of reach

I'm emotionally exhausted. I have nothing more to give or offer at all. I'm a fury of confusion and smoke and mirrors all together in one. It's exhausting. I don't know who I am or what I want. All I know is that I'm living this lie and causing casualties on all sides.

I don't really want what I think I want, that's the confusing part. And what I want, I know I shouldn't have. Like wanting the cake and eating it, too. It just doesn't work out... so why am I always falling into the same pitfalls over and over?

This month... I know it's never going to get anywhere or amount to anything. I just have to wait for this month to be over. But, why do I feel like I want something to happen? It's not going to because it can never be, it's forbidden on all frontiers.

Friday, August 18, 2017

Another Life

I will lay down my weapons in the fire, for higher love
Armor on, you use your heart as a fortress

Everything bleeds together in some sort of weird, hot mess. Feelings, memories, and people.

I feel like I'm always caught in the middle of something, searching endlessly for a feeling or emotion reminiscent of the past.

Blue eyes and blond hair, a light-eyed brunette; everything repeats itself over and over. My life is filled with memories and emotions that I fight to suppress, but everything is ultimately still very much a part of me.

It's month 3 into my new job at work. I managed to meet some new friends, and I am beyond grateful for their support. But it seems like I shouldn't get too attached because as my friend tells me, "coping is a necessary skill". And everyone is always leaving, coming in and out of our lives, so there needn't be too much attachment involved. Right? I don't know about that. All I really know is that life is short and we have to learn to cherish memories as we make them.

Today I finally hung out with Laer outside of work; we went to the library to study. She's leaving to Japan to study next year, so again, time together is cut short. The same thing happened with Karena... she went back to Japan too, and it was pretty sudden. I can always try to go there and visit them, but everything takes time. And another year passing by seems so difficult for me to embrace as I age.

Sunday, July 9, 2017

A Brief Recap

Finally! A weekend! 🙇 I was feeling so burnt out from work this week. Even though all I do is sit in front of a computer and talk to people the whole day, my body feels sore and sluggish. I'm actually worried about developing carpal tunnel...

On Thursday, I sat with the boys in my training class during lunch break. They all offered me some of their food; I didn't buy any lunch that day. I need to start bringing some healthy foods to work for lunch. My break isn't long enough for me to wander far for eats, unfortunately. Anyway, I got a hot wing, a bit of pita bread wrap, and a piece of chocolate chip cookie. I felt grateful at that time, because sharing food with others is something important to me. I was happy that they considered me close enough to put effort to be nice to me. Two of them always make an effort to greet me, which may be a cultural thing, but it does make me feel valued in the group. Oh I know, I'm too sensitive! 🙈

On Friday after work, my Kawaii Kru friends and I went to the Orpheum Theatre to watch Pokemon Symphonic Evolutions. I wanted to hear more songs from Gold/Silver/Crystal, but they only played a few. The most memorable was "Ecruteak City". I actually cried! Well that doesn't take much, but I was moved. That was from my childhood, man. Nostalgic feelings ensued.

And... Saturday. Well, work, and then a childhood friend of mine and I went to eat dinner and see the new Spiderman movie, which tbh was a bit boring, but the Suit Lady was named Karen. Probably because it's my birthday soon 💖 so the universe is preparing. I even rolled my 5* Summer Robin with +SPD -HP IVs... thanks to the advice of my friend. I'm merging her with my existing Robin~ I love the Ylissean Summer banner! The beach babes are A+! 😍😘 I am lucky to roll Summer Robin and Summer Tiki.

Jackpot, baby. I love fish+spear designs!

One thing that bothers me this month so far is that I went to the hairstylist and I tried a new person and while the colour came out fine, I realized over the course of a few days that the hair wasn't cut very well... I feel so gross with my hair that after work on Thursday I have to rush to Leo for him to fix it. It literally looks like the lady snipped off inches from my hair and didn't bother to touch the ends up. My hair is uneven; one side is longer than the other, and for some reason the front of my hair is longer than the back... I hate it so much but I'm trying to cope. I have never had my hair so ugly... lol. I am still waiting on a response from the stylist to see what she says about it.

Anyway... I'm trying to get back into blogging... gotta record my day somehow so I can remember the good times and vent occasionally about disgruntling times. 😁

Monday, June 5, 2017

Parasite

I've been praying for somebody to save me, no one's heroic

The next day fell onto her like a heavy cloud of rain. But she knew she would pull through. The clouds always lifted eventually; that was a fact of life. She wasn't going to chase after her demons and beg them for forgiveness, or second chances. The rain would fall freely upon her and wash everything foul from her life like a cleansing shower.

It was a rebirth. And yet, there was a pang of weakness. Not because she mourned for the past, but of uncertainty. Standing on her own two feet felt like she was a newly born foal, stumbling and struggling to walk even the smallest steps.

"You made the right choice," Ethan said. His voice sounded faraway on the phone. "You deserve to be happy, and you don't want people like that in your life, do you?"

She heard a female voice behind Ethan's. "You're better off without all that stress!"

She nodded to herself and hung up the call. However, it was still hard to dream about the future. Right now, she had to focus on healing. And she did know the lesson life was trying to teach her.

The feelings she had, after all, weren't normal. She wasn't supposed to feel this way about him, yet she did, and she couldn't stop the emotions that swelled forward from her heart.

There was no way it was ever going to happen. Just because they had been childhood friends years ago didn't make any of it acceptable. But the way he treated her both infuriated her and stirred up old feelings she didn't realize were there before.

"Let it go," she mumbled to herself. "This is crazy!"

Saying the words out loud did little to alleviate the strange pressure in her chest.

What she would give to actually feel something... different.

Saturday, June 3, 2017

procrastination

I thought I would write a brief blog post about how I've been doing these days, but I think I'll throw on a documentary and lounge in bed instead. I'm really interested in documentaries, especially when they cover deep sea life, animals, or anything really.

See you tomorrow~

Thursday, March 16, 2017

Green thumb?

Sometimes I wonder if Jesus is really watching. I told my mom over dinner that it sometimes feels like God is not with me. But today was an interesting day.

I went to work and got to talk to this lady with vibrant arm tattoos, mostly of flowers. She said she was a gardener. A landscaper for a living or something. This piqued my interest as I always wanted to grow things but never got the chance to because I have no idea what I'm doing haha.

So I got talking to this lady and she recommended I grow some mesclun lettuce and carrots. I decided to go for it so after work I went to the gardening store mere minutes drive from my home and picked up some organic soil, fertilizer, a bin and seeds. My sister and I also got some pre-sprouted lettuce to plant in a bin the previous house owners left behind!

The cool thing is that today happened to be customer appreciation day which meant we got 15% off everything and it only happens every 3rd Thursday of the month. What weird timing. Is there no rhyme or reason to our lives? Is it bad to hope that in life things mean more somehow?

So now we have a little set up going to test things out. I'm planning to plant some flowers in the soil bed outside our home. I guess I don't have to water everything that often, do I? Hahaha. Green onions next I guess!

Thursday, March 2, 2017

magnificence

She was someone... something from far away. Another galaxy, otherworldly. He knew his about her; she was the only one he had ever truly loved. That he would love forever, hold in his heart forever as their relationship was built on friendship. Love and friendship, late nights and lack of sleep, dreaming over and over without awakening.

I...

I knew that our place had a time. And that time is forever gone, or frozen where it was. I can't go back, and it will never reach me again. But memories will always be there. I remember when we used to love each other, under the sun, laughing. Our place had a time when I still needed you to fly. 

Everyone grows up, sometime.

Monday, February 6, 2017

fates & dreams

Disclaimer: This is a personal blog. I use this blog as a means to record my life, thoughts, and random things--like an online diary. If you don't like anything here, please leave!



I had a strange dream last night about Fire Emblem. Since the new app launched with the mobile game FE Heroes, I've been playing it for the past few days and subconsciously things must have seeped into my head!

In my dream, I was in a wedding gown walking down the aisle of an arena to marry Kamui/Corrin from FE Fates! 😐 He was dressed in all black and a black cape with fur trim. It was the weirdest thing ever, seeing as I am a fangirl but never thought of the character that way until I saw him in FE Heroes.

Anyway, I basically had to marry him because we needed to solidify the bonds between our worlds with an alliance. Afterwards we were taken to our living quarters, a home of some sort, with rooms already prepared for the future kids. I guess they expected us to have some... err... and as we walked into the master bedroom together I remember feeling super awkward. What an awkward dream! I'm sure fangirls would love to have this sort of dream about their biases but it was plain strange for me.

Personally, in FE Fates, I am quite fond of Takumi, but only because I think of how fun it would be to brush through his long beautiful hair. I don't actually like his personality or his look that much... I don't know if I really like any male character that much in this series. However, I am fond of the avatar's son Kana, as well as Hinoka and Selkie. It's odd for me because I prefer long hair on girls, but short is cute too!

This dream kinda reminds me of how I always make my avatar marry Chrom in FE Awakening for the two children, Lucina and Morgan. I don't even like Chrom that much, but the support convos between him and the avatar are cute. I honestly can't decide which is the better child, male Morgan or Kana... they're both sweet little peas. I wish real life would be as fun and whimsical as a video game.

re-clawed

the claws that curve
beautifully
shining like city lights
stars at my fingertips
rip away the creativity 
my hands used 
to make.


Tumblr is the worst blogging site. The people there are toxic, judgmental, and have nothing good to say to others most of the time. My SO said to me, "Who even uses Tumblr?" I wholehearted agree with him, Tumblr users are fucking pretentious.

I had a personal blog for pictures on Tumblr for a bit and once I reposted some fanart with the caption "art not by me", and a user commented that I should remove it. Honey... I know some artists may hate reposts without permission, but some don't mind. If the original artist contacted me to remove the post I would do it.

I did try to find the source, but I believe it was reposted to Pinterest from a Japanese artist and I posted it to my personal Tumblr. People need to mind their own business... this is a private blog, I can post what I want here. I'm not claiming to have rights over the art or taking ownership for drawing it. Besides, a lot of social media sites (Instagram, even Google Photos if you use that) have policies stating that once you post the photo to their platform, they can use that image however they like without paying the person who created it.

Seriously...

On a brighter note, here are my unicorn nails for the month! Trendy? Take a closer look, I love them!!!💖💖💖