Breakthrough

So, as you all probably know, I've started this new journey towards spiritual growth. Abiding, or striving? There's a lot of things I have to choose to give up, and I'm happily giving those things up to improve myself. Which sadly means, no more erotic fanfiction unless I get further notice. I apparently shouldn't indulge in the creation of ... inappropriate materials. o__o" I mean, I was dabbling in it for fun; I don't think writing it controlled my life in any way and I wasn't obsessed by it, but... I think it's easier to let it go than wonder if writing that stuff hinders my growth.

We live in a pretty fallen world, huh? I wish I didn't have to worry.

Anyway, this last week I've had two more friends confess that they have romantic feelings for me. HAHA... I don't know why this keeps happening, I guess people are lonely during the holiday season. And I don't know how to respond, other than "Thank you for being honest, I can't return your romantic feelings but I return all the other feelings you have for me..." Isn't that a pretty textbook response? I truly don't get what my friends see in me; I'm so flawed. I'm not that pretty. I have so many messed-up areas in my life... and they know it, too. I shared so many of my thoughts and experiences with them, but despite getting a glimpse at my feelings and flaws, they're still drawn to like me? Pretty mind-blowing, to think that others would see me as "hecca cute". But if that's popular consensus then... who am I to argue with what the people see or feel?

Meanwhile... My heart has been aching, because I've been yearning for something that I'm too weak to reach out for. I'm just going to sit on my ass until I receive proper instructions on how to proceed, haha... I mean, I'm just one big embarrassing blob.

I've been tearing myself apart in the search for answers about where I need healing. I can't always be completely transparent to everyone on this public blogging site, but I struggle a lot with being cool, calm, and collected. I have a lot of energy within me and I need to exercise self-control. I am also pretty prideful and impatient, and easily irritated by others. So I need to learn to purge those negative qualities away, as well.

Catcher

every day is a new battle, y'know? and i see and feel my progression as i carve my own path through life. every day is a new day, until i am unafraid to face myself. what's hidden inside me... the prophecy is already clear, so i don't have anything to fear.

Like Me

i wanted to write a bit before bed, because it helps me clear my mind and i really do enjoy writing. it's for me, and documenting my thoughts, dreams, feelings and experiences is therapeutic and delightful.

although this is an online personal blog, i also have a journal that my aunt gifted me. i use that to write private thoughts and feelings that i keep to myself. sometimes, i wonder what would happen if anyone read my journal; what would they think of my thoughts? of my life? usually, when i write in that journal, i address my thoughts and feelings to God; it's like a prayer journal.

i'm kinda embarassed to post any real/concrete story ideas online but... perhaps...

27 Again

Okay, so the inspiration train died. XD Which was to be expected, because all I can really handle is writing little bits and pieces here and there.

ANYWAY, I really wanted to document something special that happened to me on Thursday! At work, I received a brilliant surprise from my colleagues! My supervisor brought me to the 9th floor, where everyone gathered together to reveal this beautiful pink pokeball cake!

So lovely!!! *_* My friend baked it!!!

I was moved to tears, which honestly isn't hard for me lol. But it really and truly made me realize how blessed I am. So many people notice and care about me, even if I wasn't aware of it! Senpais notice me!

The cake itself was delicious and I really enjoyed the icing and the texture. Man... I needed to seep in the afterglow of this fabulous surprise, so I was feeling starstruck the rest of the evening. Many people thought it was my birthday, which of course it wasn't. xD But hey, it's rare for someone to get a just because! cake! But me, I got one! Wow!

This reminds me of the beautiful birthday weekend I had, which I never blogged about. Well, my 27th birthday landed on a Friday, and I had the most wonderful dinner at Harthouse with my family and best friend since elementary school, Jessica.

Then, on the Saturday after, I held a Pokemon-themed birthday party where we went to Rocky Point, had fish and chips and I opened presents in the sunny park like a 12-year-old! I even had a Togekiss Pinata!

I was very reluctant to smash the beautiful Togekiss~

He was very happy to smash the pinata, however!

I guess I got a special day(s) in July and also now again in November. I'm truly thankful for all the blessings I'm receiving throughout the years!!! Let's keep the ball rolling~~

Knife

what is coming to mind at this moment?
nothing but pure bliss.
not pure but
bliss in the worldly sense
a sense of
missing purpose

i'll always miss my memories. familiarity is comfort. i miss my youth, i miss naivety, i don't want to be an adult. yet, although i would consider myself possessing the body of a youth, my actual years are far from that of a young girl's.

sometimes, i wonder if my memories were ever even real. if i've ever really loved as much as i have, hurt as much as i have. i think back on my high school infatuations and feel... like they could have easily been a dream. everything is so far away now, things could very well have been something from another universe.

i'm the same, and at the same time, different. hard to explain... but it's true. a catalyst, ever changing, within myself.