Now that I think about it, last night is really fuzzy. I remember sitting on the bathroom floor. I said some stuff I can't remember. I just wanna pass out again...
It's unfair how some people can drink loads straight up and still be okay. *cough* You know who it is!
Emotional rant censored behind the cut. :)
I don't think I'm mature yet. Of course I'm not fully mature, I'm still just a teenager at this point, but I wish I would hurry up and reach a higher level of maturity already. Because, I'm still finding it hard to let things go... And I shouldn't feel that way. Okay, I totally should, it's normal. But I wish to be gifted with indifference. Please.
When our friendship ended, I deleted all the emails. I took her off MSN. I swore I wouldn't care anymore. But I do. It hurts inside. Not a sharp pain, but a sad longing. And I'm not sure what would be worse. It eats away at my insides. I wish I could relive the past and I don't want to go on living that way, feeling that way. It's living in a life of regret and I hate that. I don't want that for myself.
Despite the fact that I deleted the emails, moments ago I found that copies were still saved in the 'Sent' folder. And so now... I have emails from our past. Re-reading them made me laugh. They made me smile. They made me happy. They reminded me of how happy I used to be, when she was still in my life.
I can't stop feeling as if we had something great. We did. It was awesome. No words can describe, although 'awesome' and 'epic' come close. I have to learn to understand that good things come to an end and our journey ended long ago.
Still, it hurts. I want to cry, but it's been so long. I can't even anymore. Even though I miss her and our old times. She was the only one I tried to fully open up to. We shared so many similar interests; I felt the compatability. She encouraged me, supported me--despite my idiosyncrasies and general strangeness. Listened to my rants. Was patient with me. I faulted her for certain things; after all what friendship doesn't have flaws? But those things shouldn't have been held as important as our connection. Our unspoken connection.
I remember once, I saw a star appear in the night sky. It was the first star I'd seen in a long, long time. And I cared about her so much, I went inside and wrote a poem for her and sent it in an email. It was a crappy poem, but that wasn't the point. The point was, in it I told her if she ever saw a star one night, appearing out of nowhere in a gray sky, that it was because I wished on my star, the one I saw, to be there for her like it was for me.
So please. I pray for a second chance. Look into my heart. I've reached out. I tried. If she feels the same...
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Behave yourself, now. ;)