sometimes

There were days when she wanted to go to Starbucks more than anything else. But she resisted every time. It had gotten so easy to just ignore the thoughts, the feelings that disappeared as quickly as they came. Yet every once in a while, when she woke up, the smell of lattes lingered from a dream she couldn’t quite recall. Haunting her, almost. Which made no sense. The coffee joint had been a regular hang out spot, so what. That had been a year ago. Thinking about the past wouldn’t do any good. Had she and her friends really laughed as much as she seemed to remember? She didn’t know. Did it matter at this point? Of course it didn’t. Of course it didn’t, but...

She sat up in bed and saw movement behind the curtain. Snow. He would be happy about that. They would probably go to the mountains soon. Winter sports had been a hot subject ever since December arrived. He refused her offer of helping him learn how to snowboard or ski. Him and his pride. But the smile that nearly appeared on her lips faded.

The smell of coffee was everywhere.

Today just had to be one of those days.

She wanted to open the window despite the chilly air doing so would let in.

The person beside her shifted slightly but she didn’t notice.

A glimpse of someone’s face here, a smile there. The tiniest things could make her have a flashback to the past. Everything about those times jumbled into fragments and blurry lines. She wished she could make them out. Because it scared her. Just a little bit. That she couldn’t recall what these people looked like anymore, even after spending so much time with them. If she thought about it, she would probably be able to put the pieces together and see them.

Stop it, she told herself. What’s the matter with you?

Everyone had moved on. She had moved on. Entertaining these ideas of going to Starbucks were pointless. No one would be there anyway. But on days like this, she allowed herself to make little allowances.

“Morning,” a hoarse voice mumbled.

She turned to face him. “Hey. Sleep well?”

“You tossed and turned all night, so not really.”

“Sorry.” She leaned over and pecked him on the lips. “Another weird dream.”

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah.”

He pulled her to him for another kiss and it happened again. For that split second when their eyes met, she didn’t see Noctis. She saw someone blond. God, this was so ridiculous. But his lips managed to distract her quickly enough. Being with him had its share of difficulties. Noctis was volatile at the best of times. But the romance aspect, or whatever people called it, came naturally enough. Once she had slapped him away from her when her old boyfriend’s face appeared instead of his. She rambled about a mosquito being on his cheek to cover for that.

It had been a shock to see Cloud in her bed months after he had left for Germany.

To be fair, Noctis had a habit of waking her up in the middle of the night, which probably caused that strange hallucination. Something like that, something so vivid, had never happened again until now. She didn’t want it to happen again. That idiot had left without a goodbye. She had been inconsolable for days before friends managed to convince her that someone with the last name Strife could never bring her happiness anyway.

She nuzzled Noctis’s neck to get rid of these thoughts.

At least the smell of caffeinated beverages had nearly vanished. The last thing she wanted to remember was anyone else.

“It’s snowing,” he suddenly said. “You know what that means.”

“Laughing at your attempt to ski?”

“Just because I’ve never done it before doesn’t mean I’ll make an ass out of myself.”

“Whatever you say. You’re so wonderful at everything you try.”

“Hey.” Noctis made her look at him. “Tell me about these dreams of yours.”

“What’s this all of a sudden?” She brushed a stray strand of dark hair off of his forehead. “I told you I was okay.”

“You mentioned some names in your sleep.”

Her stomach lurched. “So?”

“This wasn’t the first time.” His eyes darkened. “And I kind of hate it.”

“Well, I can’t control what I dream about.”

“I thought you don’t care about them anymore.”

“I don’t. It’s just—”

“Try harder to make me believe that.”

And just like that the smell of coffee returned.

♦

Morning passed into afternoon uneventfully enough, despite the shaky start. Noctis didn’t work. Aside from a few odd jobs here and there for fun. He didn’t need the money, so they had to be very fun indeed. She wanted to ask about what he did. The smile on his face as he waited for the question seemed friendly enough; she knew better. The warning behind it made her change the subject. Fear? She had to admit he scared her on occasion, although things between them had improved. Become more relaxed, as much as someone could be with a guy like that. Controlling, demanding, impulsive. She stayed with him anyway. A different kind of love? She wasn’t sure what they had. What he thought of her.

But nothing could ruin how happy she felt waking up to Noctis. Maybe it was more like relief than happiness. The sight of his raven hair, in contrast to the white of the pillow, made her smile. A contradiction, that’s who he was. Both good and bad, but which she never knew, couldn’t quite decide on. Surprising.

Back then, when she reached out for his hand, she grabbed at thin air. Because work always pulled him away, leaving his side of the bed cold. The worst thing was when she woke up just as he left the room. Seeing him walking away from her hurt. So she closed her eyes and willed herself back into sleep.

Now she didn’t have to do that anymore.

Somehow, she ended up being the one getting out of bed before he did.

She was the one who had to gently take his arm from around her.

Noctis always wanted her to stay for just a bit longer.

“You have a weird look on your face.”

“What?” She almost dropped the mixing bowl in her hands. “When did you come in?”

“I always watch you.”

She turned to place the bowl in the sink. “Even when I sleep?”

“I’ve been neglecting you if you manage to do that.”

“Even insomniacs fall asleep sometimes.” The smell of cookies slowly began to drift throughout the kitchen. “Besides, how do you watch me if you’re the one who passes out the moment your head hits the pillow?”

He laughed lightly, coming up behind her before she could notice.

“You’re omitting what happens before I have any desire to go to sleep.”

“Well...” She found it hard to concentrate with his kisses. He knew how sensitive her neck was, damn it. The bastard. “Well, anyway. I made cookies. And before you say anything, they’re not because you asked that time we were in Stanley Park. I just wanted to.”

“You remembered?” he murmured. “Karelos, you’re really...”

“R-really weird, making cookies all of a sudden.” She manoeuvred so she could face him. “I mean, I should’ve done this for Christmas. But you took me to that restaurant. And then we went to...” The next words came out in a rush because she didn’t want to blush. “...to that new hotel afterwards. So I didn’t have the chance.”

He leaned in towards her, and she started to close her eyes as a reflex.

But he kissed her on the forehead.

She blinked. That wasn’t something he normally did.

What the hell, this just couldn’t be her life. Their life. Surreal.

Her heart hammered in her chest.

In fact, the gesture reminded her of someone she really wanted to forget.

“Noct—”

“I don’t like that nickname.”

She rolled her eyes, a little disappointed the moment had passed. “You cut me off!”

“Talk faster, then. God knows you can say a whole lot.” He smirked. “And be really loud at certain times, such as—”

Karelos felt her cheeks heat up but decided to blame their redness on the oven.

“That’s right! Some people can’t snowboard. Or even ski. How sad, isn’t it?”

Confidence filled his voice.

“Once we hit the slopes you’ll have nothing to brag about.”

“Oh, really?”

“I’m a quick learner. Some people take more time to grasp certain concepts.”

“That means what, exactly?”

“Nothing.” His gaze flickered to hers. “Where are we going tonight?”

“Thought we were staying in.”

As much as she tried, she couldn’t think of anything that warranted a night out.

“On New Year’s Eve?” He raised his eyebrows slightly. “Never.”

Karelos couldn’t believe the date had slipped her mind. Where had all the days gone? They were all blurs of being with Noctis. Happy times, a few fights. But he had never slept on the couch, not once. He always managed to make her forgive him. Back into bed.

“We can still stay in,” she heard herself say. “It might be fun.”

“Is that what you did last year?”

She nodded, trying not to think too much about it.

“All the more reason to go out. New year, new traditions.”

“Traditions are supposed to stay the same.”

He just looked at her. “What time will you be ready?”

Arguing with him would be pointless. She’d end up going. Or she could stay, but being alone tonight? Everything would all come flooding back. Her stomach sank. She still liked to go out. Clubbing, but mainly for the dancing, the music. She would enjoy herself, she always had a good time with Noctis. So that aspect didn’t bother her at all. But...

Was it so bad that she wanted more than the club scene?

“They’re burning.”

“Damn!” She focused on rescuing her labours of something or other. Not love. Was it? “See, you should stay out of here.” Oven mitts on, she pulled the tray out. “Now they’re all—hey!”

They weren’t charred at all, but perfectly golden brown.

Not that she thought about it, she hadn’t smelled anything burning.

She whipped her head around to glare at Noctis.

He chuckled at her expression.

“Saved just in time.” His smile was impossible to look away from. “You can thank me later.” He plucked a cookie off the tray, holding it in a delicate grasp so it didn’t burn him. “Well, what’s this supposed to be? A walrus?”

Of course he had to pick the only one that got messed up.

“No, it’s Santa. You’re obviously blind and we can’t go out now.”

Noctis bit off Santa head’s. “Don’t be difficult.”

She wished she could bite him at that moment.

Then again, he liked that kind of thing.