Thursday, December 31, 2009

Burning ~Revival~

3 days
since we've talked.

1st day
life told me
dreams come true.

woke up the 2nd day
wondered if it was real.
didn't feel like a dream
too good to be true.

3rd day.
1st time i woke up
with someone on my mind
in a long time.

will there be a 4th?
a 5th? a 6th?

am i just counting the days
until you leave again?

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Burning Love ~Revival~

I woke up this morning groggy and hung over. Shouldn't have drank that much last night. But hey, it was Christmas! What's Christmas without a little throwing up here and there? LOL

Now that I think about it, last night is really fuzzy. I remember sitting on the bathroom floor. I said some stuff I can't remember. I just wanna pass out again...

It's unfair how some people can drink loads straight up and still be okay. *cough* You know who it is!

Emotional rant censored behind the cut. :)

Saturday, November 14, 2009

1 Minute, 1 Second ~Revival~

I woke up and realized I'm not a rebel anymore. I used to be, back in high school. I was a rebellious girl with an attitude, but I think that was because I had a best friend to back me up when the going got rough. And not just ANY 'best friend'. We were connected in a way that I would never be able to describe to those who never experienced such a bond before. We shared a heart!! Not only that, but similar interests, a similar sense of humour, and complimenting personalities. XD

I didn't care what others thought of me because we had each other. If a stranger bumped me in the hallway, I'd think nothing of yelling "FUCK YOU!" right back at them. (Mature, I know...)

I'd somehow manage to persuade teachers into giving me food (toffee, cookies, pizza) and we'd share it. LOL. Those were the days.

I hoped it would be forever.

I remember that one lunchtime we sat outside in the "smoke pit" near the parking lot. It was raining pretty hard that day. We sat there, listening to my iPod and chatting. Then on some crazy impulse I ran over to where some bikes were chained and jumped on one. The seat was wet, so my ass ended up soaked on one side. We laughed so much over nothing, things that wouldn't make sense to anyone else. No one else would have understood our world.

I don't think I ever told her this, but years ago I prayed to find someone that got me. Someone that understood me. When she entered my life, I remember thinking, "Oh man. God answered my prayer." Then I went and screwed it up, but it's not like things would have remained perfect. She was leaving anyway. In the end, it wouldn't have mattered what I thought or did. So then... Why do I care? I wish I wasn't such a bleeding heart.

We can’t go back.

I'm flying solo now. I feel like I've been left with only half a world. It's not the same. I've been working so hard to forget. To move along. Here I am, alone again, in the exact place I was before.

Not even for one moment.

Broken promises and wasted dreams. Plaguing my past. Sure, I've had more than my fair share of happy moments, but I can't help but reminisce over 'what could have been'. Do other people do that as well? I'm sure they do. I wonder if she ever does.

Not even for 1 minute, 1 second.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Things Went Wrong ~Revival~

You ask me how my day was. It's the same everyday.
I say that I'm okay, but you don't really know how I feel. 

Everyone's so boring. They're all too engrossed in studying or working to have fun anymore. They're always "too busy" or "too lazy/tired". Maybe they're just making up excuses so they don't have to be bothered with entertaining me, but still. It pisses me off.

Do you think I'll be okay without you?
Will you be okay without me? 

What happened to the simpler days, where friends could hang out whenever they wanted to? It didn't matter what homework was due the next day, or whether they were broke. What mattered what having a good time with people they cared about.

It's hard to live in this world without you.
That's why I blame myself for still breathing. 

Now, people have to be penned into schedules just to be able to see each other face-to-face. Youth are too concerned with making money so they can move out and support themselves in this imperfect world. "Growing up." That's what it is, right? It sucks. Once we're older, we'll never have the chance to live life through the eyes of a teenager anymore. I lost my childhood and I'm missing my teenage years already. When you don't have time for even your friends... I can't help being bitter. I want my friends back.

I live each day painfully because of what you said.
Tell me if this is a bad thing to do.

Life isn't the same without her. She's always been there, but now even she has no time for me anymore. And I can't say anything, because if I do, it'll be like I'm holding her back from her goals. Her dreams. She wants to make something of herself, and I'm only in the way. I think I love her, but who knows. I once thought she felt the same; now I'm starting to wonder.

Do you live each day painfully like me? 

I miss summer days in the sun. When we'd lie in the grass, my head on her lap, and stare up at the bright sky. Maybe watch a stray cloud move slowly across the clear blue canvas. Compare the tops of trees, maybe; there was this one treetop we saw that always bent over the others. Maybe it was looking after the littler trees or something. We'd grab donuts and cookies at the nearest 7-11 after, maybe.

Are we too late? Do we not have a chance?
I still think about you and you might know this. 

Things seemed right. Talking at the back of the bus. She hated public transit. I don't like it either, but I didn't mind. I was with her. I was so happy with her. At times my life revolved around the chance to reply to an email, an email that sometimes would never come. We were connected then. Now it's like everything went wrong. Those days will never come back. I'm not sure how I feel about that yet.

Is it too late? Do not we have a chance?
I still think about you, and you might not know it.