New Year's Greetings

i've wanted to share my new year's resolutions on sheepdoll for a while now. i'm not sure why, but lately i've been feeling the urge to return to 7v13 to rest at where my roots used to be, but online blogging could be done anywhere, i suppose. i guess sheepdoll has always been more lighthearted in my perspective, and i never really go deep into my thoughts and feelings here; mainly, i post about random bits and pieces of writing or a little about my day, and that's it. but today i feel like going deeper into my feelings about the year.

as some of you may know, i've been going through some down times this year. there have been a lot of changes, both professional and personal. i've been pretty happy overall, but that doesn't mean traumatic things haven't happened to me.

first off, i have great friends. they are always supporting me, whenever i need to vent, complain, or whine to them. however, i still feel like something inside me is not at ease. i'm sure i just need some time to myself to reflect. i'm planning to delete my social media next year for a while. logging out of instagram and snapchat, and only keeping facebook for communication purposes with friends.

social media hasn't helped me at all; it hasn't helped me at all with easing my thoughts. although i can't really be without it, because i enjoy browsing through things, it takes up too much of my time. but blogging has helped me, and i hope to find some solace again through blogging.

for the new year, i hope i can achieve the following things:

-save more money
-stop crying so much
-let the past stay in the past
-sleep earlier like before or at 1am -- but i think that's a bit of a stretch and unachievable, haha.

more to come, soon. i just feel like a sad girl all the time and i wish i could snap out of this funk.

Goodness & Love Will Always Win

I'm really grateful for my shining rays of light in the darkness.

You know, I always considered that I didn't have many friends in life, but when the holiday season rolled around I was surprised by the amount of people who asked me to hang out and exchanged gifts with me.

I'm especially grateful for a certain androgynous-admiring brunette friend of mine. She's someone I am glad I approached to befriend earlier in the year. It was truly destined; she is someone I can walk and look with, enjoy food with, and have meaningful conversations with. 

Another friend I am truly grateful for is another doe-eyed brunette, who is always patient and supportive of me. She stills my heart and makes me feel like I have someone in my corner whenever worrying things happen. 

I had a really good day today, even if the morning was quite stressful. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, and I'm very much looking forward to spending it with my family.

Show Me

i was nothing special

but thanks to the memories you gave me

i became the main character

in a sad love story

a story that’s only special to me

not a single star in the night sky

--love story / epik high

Code Black

it's so much harder to fall out of love
than to fall in love
you make me live and die again 

--epik high

Nothing could change her, the girl with the dark eyes. None of life's lessons reached her. Nothing was able to touch her anymore.

She was so beyond them now, so immersed in lies and sin.

The moment he had taken her under his wing, the moment she accepted the fate he handed her, was the moment her only doorway back to a normal life finally shut.

He liked to show her off at parties; she knew the red backless dress she wore was his favourite. She sat perched on his knee, laughing along with a drink, his hand pressed against the small of her back as if to physically remind her who she belonged to.

She didn't care. It wasn't something she necessarily disagreed with. The nights they spend together had spanned into years now, breeding familiarity and comfort.

---

One night, she drunkenly bumped into an old acquaintance.

She saw him through blurred eyes, clumsily pulling the hem of her skirt down as he stared at her. Her vision drifted in and out of focus, until she caught the gleam of his hair colour in the neon lights and recognition briefly flooded her face.

An outstretched hand grasped at his dress shirt. It took her a moment to register that the hand reaching out was her own.

He made to knock her hand aside, but stilled himself. Her face was flushed red, but not from embarrassment.

"Well, hello sunshine," she laughed, words flowing in a sing-song voice. "Long time no see."

"Long time, indeed."

If he was nervous, he didn't show it. And she was cloaked in a veil of false bravado.

“Things used to be so different, didn’t they, Karelos?”

“No one calls me that anymore.”

“You can go by any name you want, but you’re still always going to be Karelos to me.”

“Gee, I never knew you to be so sentimental.”

Disgruntled, he stepped towards her and brought his face up close against hers. He meant to intimidate her, but she knew better. Maya tilted her head up so that their lips were inches apart.

“Go on,” she murmured, inhaling sharply to steady her pounding heartbeat. “I dare you.”

He paused. After a moment he stepped back. 

"You're the same as always," she said coolly. "All talk."

"We're not children anymore. Grow up."

She ignored his comment. "Join me in a drink?"

Maya poured herself another drink and downed the clear liquid, feeling it burn down her throat.

The inquisitive, fearless girl was gone; in her place stood an empty woman, the shell of someone he once knew.

He couldn't stop the words from pouring out his mouth.

---

She heard his voice, but it all seemed far away, like she was trapped in a glass case.

"You used me."

She couldn't make out if the words were an accusation. His light eyes stared straight into her; his face held no emotion.

"So what?"

"You treated everyone like shit, you know? You couldn't see how selfish you were."

"That's funny, coming from you. You're as selfish as they come."

"I cared about you. That's the difference."

"You think I didn't care?"

"You didn't care about how you made us feel. No wonder she started hating you."

"I'm done with this conversation." She slammed the glass down. "Leave!"

"Why should I?"

She watched, amused, as he stood frozen. His eyes were still unreadable.

"Because you know what I can do."

When he turned and disappeared down the hall, she found herself smiling in satisfaction. Then, heart still pounding, she forced herself to choke down the remaining alcohol.

---

She remembered their first date; he had worn a navy blue pea coat with a gray sweater and jeans. His blond hair was ashy like smoke, his bangs curling around his face like vine tendrils.

A feeling of awe had consumed her, as she had never seen such a striking man before. There was something different about him, something otherworldly. He was radiant, glowing with passion in all his mannerisms and expressions.
Perhaps that was why she became so fixated on him, back in the day. She was only seventeen at the time, and he was a foreign exchange student working at a coffee shop.

The days they spent together were like a dream. Summer days. She loved him; she knew she loved him. Until one morning she woke in early October, and he was gone. How she had cried, been inconsolable for weeks. The pain of those times still echoed in her chest.

She blinked, eyes wet. She pulled herself up into a sitting position and swiped away the tears with the back of her hand.

Cliché

"You need to find happiness in yourself. Other people can only enhance what is already there."

If only that were always true. But if one opened their eyes further they would see that survival has always depended on factors outside of our control. Alliances, resources, odds to be swayed in one's favour.

It's simply untrue that one has to be whole to find happiness in others. In my years of dealing with depression and now, in my older years, anxiety, I find it terribly patronizing to post that someone can easily find happiness in themselves.

For some, it's simply impossible. I suppose this comes and goes for everyone, even those of the soundest emotional temperaments.

In fact... I've found my most beloved friends in moments of my worst weakness.

All that shit about "what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger" is simply not true.

As for me... my friends bring a light in me that has long shut off. So no... I don't believe that something inside me is being enhanced. Rather, I am being supported--lifted when there's nothing else.

But thanks, anon... good to see someone comment instead of just lurking like always. Haha.

White Coast

It's snowing in Vancouver. The whiteness blankets everything and looks quite beautiful. I've never been one to like nor dislike the snow. I find joy in the prospect of being able to build a snowman, but the snow is too slushy to be of good substance.

Lately, life has been less than exciting. Back to the boredom of a repetitive routine. Nothing to spark up the desire in my heart.

Even attending events doesn't really seem to pique my interest anymore. Sure, I can drink and dance to the music I love and do whatever else I want to... but I still feel empty. I want to feel something exciting! Something more. I want to meet someone that shows me more.

Pain, pleasure... whatever the rest of the spectrum may be. I want to feel alive. Because as of this moment I'm trapped beneath marble like a statue. And I don't feel.

FE Fangirl

Another Tuesday! Hello, blog.

I finally obtained a Nintendo Switch and Fire Emblem Warriors! My father and mother bought it for me for Christmas. I spent a night playing it until 6AM, and I'm in love with the characters more than ever.

Takumi is a bad-ass. So proud of that little grumpy bean; his gameplay with Fujin Yumi is intense! He's so cool. I was under the impression archers were passive and not very strong, but playing as Takumi really laid all that to rest. Wow!

And Robin... Wow I never thought he was even attractive until this game. Especially when he smiles; I can see why everyone falls in love with the avatar LOL. This is dangerous. And my, him and Chrom's support conversations? Brothers 4 Lyfe!

Speaking of Chrom, I'm low-key/high-key checking out his muscular, sculpted arm. Haha. What's with characters and only wearing a sleeve on one side? *cough*Cloud*cough*. No matter, Chrom is an awesome character and a really swell, decent guy!

I haven't gotten too many hours out of this game, but it certainly has enabled more fangirling/fanwomaning on my part. Waaaahh... ♡♡♡

On the side of reality, my friend booked her flight to L.A. and I need to follow suit soon. I spent the whole night browsing Airbnbs and I'm unsure whether we should stay in downtown or closer to my friend's house. I'm so stoked for a getaway during spring break. I've been feeling dejected all the time over many things. I can't wait to lounge on the beach and tan my sorrows away.

The Void

Me AF

I have to start doing some deep cleaning since the things in my room are a mess. I've started 3 clothing piles in various spots, and haven't swept or vacuumed. It's hard to do that when I come home around midnight every day, like freakin' Cinderella.

Father is coming home today, so I'll be happy to see him when I come home tonight.

My weekend is coming up but it's jam-packed with festivities, so I don't even get to rest. Sigh... So on Saturday my friend and I are checking out this new restaurant in Richmond. Then, I have my office Christmas party later in the evening, and perhaps I have to meet up with a friend later for her birthday celebration. Then on Sunday I have a date to go skating and do some various shopping around, and then another Christmas party. All these gatherings are exhausting me.

On top of that, I couldn't roll Shiro in Fire Emblem Heroes. I'm livid about that, because they gave me Soleil and Siegbert from the banner, but not my Fates husband/nephew. Simply atrocious...

I'm mentally planning my trip to L.A. in March, during spring break! Hopefully I can meet up with my friend of over 9 years and spend a few days as a tourist, eating and lazing around at the beach. But first... I need to shed some of this winter weight I've been harbouring. I can't stop eating these days. I want to devour everything and my body is completely cool with it. Which means, I need to start working out to burn off the excess. But I'm so tired, all the time... maybe if I start waking up earlier and go to the gym or for a run then? *shudders at the thought*

I want to start yoga again, but maybe that can wait until next year. Baby steps, if I take any steps at all... I can't wait to return to YYoga. I need to make some goals and stick to them. Like, committing to work out 3x a week?

Bit By Bit

The saddest thing about memories is the people that we used to know, and the person that we used to be during those times.

In my 26 years of life, I've experienced a lot of special memories that I've vowed to hold dear:

Memories of youth on a sunny beach with the family, pina colada ice cream and drying sand dollars and a huge crab in a green bucket.

Bringing home my first puppy and having that small ball of fur fitting right in my lap, kissing him and making him a mental promise that he would always have a home with us.

Sunny days on a hill with a lover, eating pate and smoked meats and enjoying each other's company passionately.

Touching foreheads with a lover during the holiday season, while the evening sky started to lightly snow for the first time.

Travelling to a new country with a friend, roaming the streets, dressed in the frilly fashion we both loved, living the dream.

I've experienced a wide array of pain and happiness. But one thing that made me feel the most "understood", was having someone who encouraged me to keep being the best I could be. To chase my hobbies, keep writing and drawing, encouraged me... building a world together. That's a rare thing to find. I understand my emotions are from romanticized memories. But the way I felt was real.

Her writing flowed so effortlessly into mine. Her art, inspiring me to create my own. Fueling my fantasies in a world of borrowed characters and alternate universes. How can I ever recover from the thrill of having a world to escape to, with someone to share it with?

I'm a fraction of what I used to be when I was younger. Not in age, but in skill. And although I've said and done things I regret, I can't take any of it back. Everyone matures and grows at a different pace. No one can blame me for living out who I was meant to be.

Still... I'm waiting for someone to make me feel something again. I'm in limbo... unable to move forward nor back. Wading through the same thing over and over again.

---

I followed you until the end
Counting every step
I did not know what was to come
But still I tried and dreamt

I wondered where I was before
I honestly can't say
This must be the love they speak of
In those myths I read

I could give this world away
To keep this endless high
The more I let go, the more I am whole
This time it's for real

When you know you found the one to keep
Oh, we wonder how we did not see
Our eyes open when we find that love
And we heal

This must be the love

Reawakening

The two of us were always one
At home we were invincible, weren’t we?
We’d longed to come to this town for a long time
For some reason, I remember the scenery
Embracing the beautiful sky the day we left

--Seishun Amigo / Shūji to Akira

Everything is an uncertain mess these days. I keep making decisions that throw caution to the wind. Sometimes, I wonder what will become of such a life. Other times, I don't really care. That's life though, really, isn't it?

Everyone goes through their own struggles. But me, I seem to get stuck in the past, trapped like a stick in the mud, wading waist deep through quick sand.

What's wrong with me sometimes? Why does it appear like everyone else is out enjoying fulfilling lives, except me?

Perhaps I'm being too modest; I do party, I do hang out with friends, eat out, watch movies, go on dates, get treated well. I do have a loving family, I'm spoiled and treated like a princess, no one crosses me. I have a dog, I have anything I ever wanted. I truly feel that way.

And yet, I'm drifting in a sea of indifference, nearly all the time.