Deep Cleanse

We got lifted on a Monday
Then we floated away and it was Sunday
We get high up on the low down
Every day spinning like a merry-go-round
All we want is to forget
All we want is to forget

--Lifted, Allie X

So it begins... again. I am staring at a blank page and attempting to fill it with words that hold meaning. I have retreated back to this place in an attempt to rediscover myself. A timeless and repetitive ritual from the past, whenever things in my life get shaken up or aren't going as peachy-keen as I'd hoped.

Every time I read back on previous entries, there's always a twinge of longing and regret, and the same repetitive mistakes and longing for the past because hindsight is 20/20. But my eyesight has always been poor to begin with, haha. No wonder my life decisions suck.

I wasn't mature enough to handle my blessings, nor was I too appreciative of them. And it seems like everyone moves on, except me. It's been years... so many years, that naturally I feel like the only person who still dreams about how things could have been different. But we can't simply go back into the past, it's impossible.

Still, I wish I could dive back into the time of my younger self, because I used to be able to write things so easily. Things just clicked into place, whether I was creating random Neopets-based characters or writing fanfiction with my muse Natalie. I'll try and soldier on alone, because that's life, but have I always been so crippled? Perhaps, I don't even know anymore.

I realize that I don't write much about my life and life events, so I'll try and change that. Well, er... today I went to church with Jo and had lunch with him after. I enjoy participating in worship with him and meeting likeminded friends. They're doing their best to take care of me in my fragile state. I'm trying my best to understand God again.

Last Saturday there was a community day for Pokemon Go, so I met up with my Valor Group to catch shiny charmanders at the park. We brought my dog and my coworker/BFF Tim came with me. It was a great time also. Not much to say there except how blessed I am to have friends to play silly games with, haha. I have a female tyranitar named Daisy and all I need is a perfect male tyra so I can name him Berlin, after my tyranitar in SoulSilver. Man, those were the days, huh? They were for me... I have so many fond memories of playing that game.

This week I'm planning to read "Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?" for the first time, and I should probably also watch the movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind"... anything to keep my mind occupied for the time being so I don't go insane. If I'm not missing one thing, I'm missing another. It's time to get a grip on this problem.