Lost In Thoughts

you are the ocean's grey waves,
destined to seek life beyond the shore
just out of reach

I'm emotionally exhausted. I have nothing more to give or offer at all. I'm a fury of confusion and smoke and mirrors all together in one. It's exhausting. I don't know who I am or what I want. All I know is that I'm living this lie and causing casualties on all sides.

I don't really want what I think I want, that's the confusing part. And what I want, I know I shouldn't have. Like wanting the cake and eating it, too. It just doesn't work out... so why am I always falling into the same pitfalls over and over?

This month... I know it's never going to get anywhere or amount to anything. I just have to wait for this month to be over. But, why do I feel like I want something to happen? It's not going to because it can never be, it's forbidden on all frontiers.

Another Life

I will lay down my weapons in the fire, for higher love
Armour on, you use your heart as a fortress 

Everything bleeds together in some sort of weird, hot mess. Feelings, memories, and people.

I feel like I'm always caught in the middle of something, searching endlessly for a feeling or emotion reminiscent of the past.

Blue eyes and blond hair, a light-eyed brunette; everything repeats itself over and over. My life is filled with memories and emotions that I fight to suppress, but everything is ultimately still very much a part of me.

It's month 3 into my new job at work. I managed to meet some new friends, and I am beyond grateful for their support. But it seems like I shouldn't get too attached because as my friend tells me, "coping is a necessary skill". And everyone is always leaving, coming in and out of our lives, so there needn't be too much attachment involved. Right? I don't know about that. All I really know is that life is short and we have to learn to cherish memories as we make them.

Today I finally hung out with Laer outside of work; we went to the library to study. She's leaving to Japan to study next year, so again, time together is cut short. The same thing happened with Karena... she went back to Japan too, and it was pretty sudden. I can always try to go there and visit them, but everything takes time. And another year passing by seems so difficult for me to embrace as I age.