Thursday, October 15, 2015

i'm not fallin' for ya

tell me , what you
tell me
what do you want ? 
why are you taking so long ...?

i can't seem to have any luck in my relationships. maybe i'm not ready personally, but... i spent so much time with this man, this boy, this 'everything' of mine, but passion alone isn't enough. i really care about him, but after the numerous arguments and stonewalling,

i don't know and i can't handle it. i packed everything and left, like i wanted to time and time again.

the first time, i was so devastated. i knew i did wrong, i tried my best to reach out and correct my mistakes. but lately, no matter what i did, the impatience and tiredness won out and i was unappreciated. this time around, i gave it my best shot. and if it wasn't enough, then... too bad.

i don't regret anything. and i'm not taking responsibility for anything i did, either, not even that dent -- because really, everytime we explode, i always have to break something and storm off. but that one wasn't my fault.

slowly i'm learning that it's more important to back off and leave everything if two people aren't getting along anymore. i have such sour luck.

in other news...

my halloween nails are custom and beautiful! and i have to post my frozen themed nails too.

i might have some better photos of elsa and anna, but i loved how himari-san drew elsa!

himari san's last set for me before she left back to tokyo. cry~ so lovely.

the boss lady, keiko-san, did my nail set with the beautiful 3D art and drawings! like my monster lip??? *muah*

all the nail stuff aside though... i need to close my resolve that we're over. the physical aspect was heaven, it was a drug, i couldn't resist the way that being with him made me feel. i repeatedly told my friends that i loved him, all i ever tried to do was love him, but slowly i felt he didn't love me. we were basically helping each other past a life stage.

i wasn't happy with mine, he wasn't happy with his, and we held hands and walked down a twisted and beautiful path of thorns. i overlooked every little thing, because i enjoyed being next to him and he made me feel... connected. everything about him, his body, warmth, scent... his being.

but i didn't like who he was. i didn't like his life, his choices, the way he interacted with people. he always expected me to know what to do, or what he was thinking... all i ever asked for was communication. now i have to cut everything off. because ... it's the best way to move on. even though i openly admit i will wake up lonely, i will think about him, i'll think about our "could bes" and "what ifs"... but that's all in my mind. all in my mind -- the "idea" of our love.

the idea of love... what is that, again ?