Thursday, October 15, 2015

i'm not fallin' for ya

tell me , what you
tell me
what do you want ? 
why are you taking so long ...?

i can't seem to have any luck in my relationships. maybe i'm not ready personally, but... i spent so much time with this man, this boy, this 'everything' of mine, but passion alone isn't enough. i really care about him, but after the numerous arguments and stonewalling,

i don't know and i can't handle it. i packed everything and left, like i wanted to time and time again.

the first time, i was so devastated. i knew i did wrong, i tried my best to reach out and correct my mistakes. but lately, no matter what i did, the impatience and tiredness won out and i was unappreciated. this time around, i gave it my best shot. and if it wasn't enough, then... too bad.

i don't regret anything. and i'm not taking responsibility for anything i did, either, not even that dent -- because really, everytime we explode, i always have to break something and storm off. but that one wasn't my fault.

slowly i'm learning that it's more important to back off and leave everything if two people aren't getting along anymore. i have such sour luck.

in other news...

my halloween nails are custom and beautiful! and i have to post my frozen themed nails too.

i might have some better photos of elsa and anna, but i loved how himari-san drew elsa!

himari san's last set for me before she left back to tokyo. cry~ so lovely.

the boss lady, keiko-san, did my nail set with the beautiful 3D art and drawings! like my monster lip??? *muah*

all the nail stuff aside though... i need to close my resolve that we're over. the physical aspect was heaven, it was a drug, i couldn't resist the way that being with him made me feel. i repeatedly told my friends that i loved him, all i ever tried to do was love him, but slowly i felt he didn't love me. we were basically helping each other past a life stage.

i wasn't happy with mine, he wasn't happy with his, and we held hands and walked down a twisted and beautiful path of thorns. i overlooked every little thing, because i enjoyed being next to him and he made me feel... connected. everything about him, his body, warmth, scent... his being.

but i didn't like who he was. i didn't like his life, his choices, the way he interacted with people. he always expected me to know what to do, or what he was thinking... all i ever asked for was communication. now i have to cut everything off. because ... it's the best way to move on. even though i openly admit i will wake up lonely, i will think about him, i'll think about our "could bes" and "what ifs"... but that's all in my mind. all in my mind -- the "idea" of our love.

the idea of love... what is that, again ?

Saturday, July 11, 2015

nails spring/summer 2015

I missed a few posts regarding my nails so I actually don't know when I got what set and what month. I also missed posting and taking pictures of a daisy-themed pastel set I did somewhere in between... I was too lazy to take photos and I didn't love that set that much. Anyway, here are my three most recent sets. ^^

Mine on the right, sis's on the left. ;3; I tried a more mature, bling-y theme. Not my style, really...

I loved this simple set! Tiffany blue and pearls! I requested this set myself. I love how little gold stones are placed between the pearls.

This is the set I currently have on! I really like it, but for some reason it didn't photograph well AT ALL. I've wanted to get seashell decos on my nails for a very long time! Pearls and seashells are my favourites, haha. 

I also started getting pedicures to show off during the summer. Although, at the present moment, I really don't have any reason to do them... it's not like I'm going through anything new or exciting anymore, like I was end of last year...

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

remnants

Today I read some old text messages from 2014. They were from my past. Someone that I used to be close with, but we fell out, hard. It was my fault. They tried their best and always did what they could to show they loved me. I was the selfish one that always just considered my own emotions and how I felt.

I'm always the prickly pear. I'm always the one who wants to finish first and have the last say.

I hurt people. And I always say I'm going to be better.

Time to show it, this time around. And I'm sorry it continued to rain for you, against that window, even though you tried so hard to be sunny.

Saturday, May 16, 2015

exhaustion

“When the Gods wish to punish us, they answer our prayers.”
-- Oscar Wilde

One of my favourite quotes.



Today I am completely, emotionally and physically, drained.

There is a God. And whatever you believe in, there are higher powers above us watching. And... what am I supposed to do about it? How do I control my actions to behave in a "good" way?

...

I'm so confused by everything. Sleepless nights, tiring dreams, restlessness. I NEVER expected to be in this situation, this ridiculous Romeo x Juliet situation. It's really immature. And... I still have no idea what "the right thing to do" is.

I know a lot of doors have opened and closed. I've crawled through a lot of windows, as well. People have locked themselves away, never to be found again. And yet, here I am... unapologetic, still myself.


Friday, May 15, 2015

BACK 2 EARTH

dangerous, so dangerous

i wanna do it again...





After this amazingly long hiatus, I'm back. :D I doubt anyone noticed I was gone. But the good news is that I've actually got motivation to write. And I've changed a lot since last year. So many new experiences and excitement, it's hard to embrace it all.

All I can say is...

Life is full of surprises. Twists and turns, like you never know what will happen. I've learned a lot, hurt a lot, hurt others a lot... Well, you know how things usually go. And it was definitely so exciting and moving and I really had such strong feelings about everything that happened. But I'm also glad everything slowed down so that I could breathe and analyze everything fully.

Initially, I truly was stuck in a hole. There was a lot of trauma the past few months, but I always quickly get back on my feet with the support of my friends. I was out with friends practically every day for two weeks! Thank God for time healing all... except for the fact that time doesn't exist. So it really all boils down to my own self.

What's the point of this post? Being reborn. Forgiving. Being a new person, aspiring to be better. I guess all that jazz, on top of not being so selfish and guarded all the time.

One complain I will have is... Sure, people always scrutinize and judge my life. Sometimes, I feel I must be a celebrity, because so many people talk about me who don't even know me personally. It's really odd; I must be such an interesting person then *boasts*!!! But... I guess I am a pretty different kinda gal. Of course I'll pique their interest. I mean, it's not my fault I can be a psycho-bitch sometimes. People are only human. But if people don't forgive, they don't give others the room to grow and learn.

And that's not my fault. Not at all.


My new hair. Ashy as always! And ironically, the same colour I had last summer. Only with longer hair. ;w; AND NO BANGS.

I also started doing my nails again this year after a break. Tbh, I only stopped doing my nails because someone told me he liked the "natural look" better. But since we parted ways, I've been dyeing my hair and decorating my nails again... I didn't mind stopping, but now that I'm alone again, what have I got to lose?#TREATYOSELF

You like? I really loved this set.

Close up of details!!!☆.。.:*・°☆

Well... that's all I wanna share for now. Until the next post~~ ciao~~