Thursday, May 31, 2018

Here And Now

Hey, don't think about all the pain you've left behind
The past is over now, you're free to clear your mind
And if you're falling back through time, look in my eyes...
--Be Here Now / Brennan Heart & Jonathan Mendelsohn

Wow, I can't believe my trip is almost over. Just a few days left! I went to Singapore and didn't even find time to write about it. That's classic behaviour from me--making a resolution and then breaking it to drop off the grid for a while. In my defence, I'm utterly exhausted from being out every day, doing all the tourist activities. I slept like a log last night, allowing myself the time to recharge.

The laksa and white coffee in Singapore made me want to die and go to heaven, it was delightful! My goodness. The best part of the trip was getting to see all the historical Chinese buildings, preserved amidst the architecture of the modern city. I took photos, but I'll have to upload them onto here at a later date.

Night view @ Gardens by the Bay

We ventured through Chinatown and ate at a lot of restaurants (trips to Asia typically involve constant eating, I definitely gained weight! Haha). Anyway, we visited a seafood restaurant called "Jumbo Seafood" to eat crab, and that was divine as well. The sauce they used was unlike anything I've tasted. Everything was simply splendid. I can't complain... now, I'm back in HK and it's a few days before the wedding. 

I've been thinking about a lot of things lately, "soul searching" as my aunt Maria calls it. Have I come to any solid conclusions? Well, no... I'm back to square one. But, aren't I always? Feels like I'm 18 again...

For instance, what is right and what is wrong? I'm torn between being proper and falling back into my old partying ways. What's wrong with partying? Well, is it not responsible? And now that I'm on my own, I suppose if I'm honest with myself, I'm scared. I used to party with people I really trusted, that I allowed myself to be vulnerable with. Now, my walls are up and it's hard for me to change this. I get anxiety over silly things that never bothered me before. I'm guarded, and that's terrible, even if there's nothing I can do.

I also wanted to say, I rewatched Black Panther like, 3 times on the plane rides I've been on. While flying to HK, Singapore, and then back to HK. I just love that movie, it's perfection. Everything from Michael Bae Jordan, to the strong female characters, to Chadwick Boseman's regal presence. I love the fusion between African culture and futuristic elements. Love it, I just love it! And Daniel Kaluuya as W'Kabi was perfect. I loved that him and Danai Gurira's Okoye were love interests in the movie. All in all, I really enjoyed that movie and would probably watch it again when I return back to Vancouver. Hehe.

Saturday, May 26, 2018

Line Up

I need help on how to wind down in the evenings. I was dead tired at dinner and the car ride back, but now that I've finished showering and wrapping up my nightly routine, I'm wide awake! Some would say no electronics before bed, but tough luck on that happening. I know if I write a little bit here, I'll be content enough to sleep peacefully in a bit.

Today was eventful, as my aunt from San Francisco flew in with my cousin at the airport, so we went to pick them up. But in the morning, my mother went down and bought McDonald's for my grandma and me. I had a filet-o-fish with HK style milk tea, and I think it's awesome they have HK milk tea readily available anywhere. It's a blessing.

Closer to lunch, mother and I went out to Wong Tai Sin to meet up with my father, grandma, and two aunts on my father's side. We went to dim sum and had a good time. I love my mah mah very much. It was really great seeing her.

After, we continued the search for a dress for me to attend my cousin's wedding. We went to several places, and a lacy pink dress at Kate Spade was on my radar, but we ended up trying several dresses from Ted Baker and ended up with a pink dress there instead. I suspect my father got a bit impatient with all the walking around, so after I tried a few on he chose the pink one for me. Will post pics at a later time, as they are all on my phone, but I think the dress looks decent on me. my shoes are pink as well, so I hope they end up matching. And if not, who cares, I love pink so I'd happily do pink-on-pink.

We then separated from my father's side family and met up again with my trendy aunt Emily. We headed to the airport to see aunt Heidi, picked her up, and we all had dinner at a hotel. I believe it was Regal Hotel, something like that. It was a good dinner and our family had some good laughs, as we had a table of 10 people.

My thoughts are... well, I'm still riddled with anxiety most of the time. I'm moping around internally, but at least I don't have time to think about it much when I'm out and about. I love seeing my family, and it makes me very happy, but I don't know what's wrong with me. I guess I need to keep praying and turning to God to find some semblance of inner peace within myself. There's a storm brewing inside me, always, and I need to calm it with something soothing.

In the past, I had ways to cope that were likely unhealthy and still would be considered so. Now I'm all alone, on my own, trying to figure this shit out. Well, that wraps up my day 2 in Hong Kong, land of my birth. Tomorrow seems to have more events lined up, so I'd better try and sleep, and then on Monday morning I'm off to Singapore for 3 days! I'm excited and I heard the seafood (crab) is delicious over there so... here I am! And that's a wrap.

Friday, May 25, 2018

Right Of The Soil

I woke up feeling groggy, but well-rested. I'm back in HK again, to visit my relatives, and attend my cousin's wedding.

The plane ride here was all right. I watched two movies and slept, ending the trip with a shark documentary. I think I've grown accustomed to sitting in a comatose state, thanks to the courtesy of my office job. I was sore as hell after, but sitting for 13 hours will do that to a person.

I re-watched Black Panther because that was a great movie, Michael B Jordan was just... well, you know, he's hot. Bust-your-braces, hot. And I watched Maze Runner: The Death Cure after that, and it exceeded my expectations! The latter movie was jam packed with action and made me laugh, it was overall enjoyable which I don't remember the previous movie being.

After I landed my mother and father, grandma, and big uncle, were at the airport to fetch me. Then we met up with my auntie Emily and uncle Tat to eat breakfast. We had HK style breakfast which consisted of macaroni in soup with meat, eggs and toast, and of course, HK milk tea, which is the bomb. So delicious.

Then we retired to rest a bit at my grandma's place, which is where I'm staying, before my mom pulled me out to eat again a mere two hours after we just ate. It was worth it though, because the fish congee and yau ja gwai (Chinese cruller) I had was divine! I haven't eaten that deep fried stuff in years. Mom and I shared a pot of apple tea which was quite refreshing as well.

Then we walked around a bit to shop, picked up some things, before meeting with my big uncle to head out to Tsim Sha Tsui to pick up big aunt after she got off work and then we walked around to try and find me a dress for the wedding. I picked a delightful design from Snidel, a pink dress embroidered with flowers, but we didn't end up buying it. Big uncle even drove us to another shopping centre to search for that dress but we could not find it. Anyway it was great to be back by the water again. HK has very beautiful waterside views, and the shopping here is incredible as to be expected.

For dinner, I had pork tonkotsu with curry and a side of takoyaki and miso soup but I was so full I didn't even wanna eat it! (I still ate it with the assistance of my father.)

I ended up buying a pair of platform sandals with a cork bottom and metallic silver straps. Hip, I know. They're pretty comfortable. I also bought some stickers with a trendy anime design.

At home, I was dead tired. I wanted to start writing a story but fell asleep and slept soundly until my mother woke me up asking if I wanted breakfast... This is the life, right?

Tuesday, May 22, 2018

Overgrown

Darn, I'm leaving Wednesday night and haven't even begun to pack. I should get on that ASAP...

I bought "Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?" and plan to bring it with me on the trip. I also noticed Jojo Moyes released "Still Me" and I definitely plan on buying the softcover once it releases. It seems like the third (and final) part of the "Me Before You" titles. Dude, the new guy in there is named Joshua. Haha... don't mind my fangirling.

Off to pick up my dog from the groomer's now.

Sunday, May 20, 2018

Deep Cleanse

We got lifted on a Monday
Then we floated away and it was Sunday
We get high up on the low down
Every day spinning like a merry-go-round
All we want is to forget
All we want is to forget
--Lifted, Allie X

So it begins... again. I am staring at a blank page and attempting to fill it with words that hold meaning. I have retreated back to this place in an attempt to rediscover myself. A timeless and repetitive ritual from the past, whenever things in my life get shaken up or aren't going as peachy-keen as I'd hoped.

Every time I read back on previous entries, there's always a twinge of longing and regret, and the same repetitive mistakes and longing for the past because hindsight is 20/20. But my eyesight has always been poor to begin with, haha. No wonder my life decisions suck.

I wasn't mature enough to handle my blessings, nor was I too appreciative of them. And it seems like everyone moves on, except me. It's been years... so many years, that naturally I feel like the only person who still dreams about how things could have been different. But we can't simply go back into the past, it's impossible.

Still, I wish I could dive back into the time of my younger self, because I used to be able to write things so easily. Things just clicked into place, whether I was creating random Neopets-based characters or writing fanfiction with my muse Natalie. I'll try and soldier on alone, because that's life, but have I always been so crippled? Perhaps, I don't even know anymore.

I realize that I don't write much about my life and life events, so I'll try and change that. Well, er... today I went to church with Jo and had lunch with him after. I enjoy participating in worship with him and meeting likeminded friends. They're doing their best to take care of me in my fragile state. I'm trying my best to understand God again.

Last Saturday there was a community day for Pokemon Go, so I met up with my Valor Group to catch shiny charmanders at the park. We brought my dog and my coworker/BFF Tim came with me. It was a great time also. Not much to say there except how blessed I am to have friends to play silly games with, haha. I have a female tyranitar named Daisy and all I need is a perfect male tyra so I can name him Berlin, after my tyranitar in SoulSilver. Man, those were the days, huh? They were for me... I have so many fond memories of playing that game.

This week I'm planning to read "Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?" for the first time, and I should probably also watch the movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind"... anything to keep my mind occupied for the time being so I don't go insane. If I'm not missing one thing, I'm missing another. It's time to get a grip on this problem.

Saturday, May 19, 2018

Time To Go

I've been listening to Canadian artist Allie X and her songs touch me in a big way. I love "Paper Love", "Downtown", "Need You" and "Casanova". Basically everything from her CollXtion II album. I wish I could use this musical inspiration to write something passionate myself, but alas. Nothing.

Does love go away? Does that fire and spark of being held in someone's arms in the dim light, that feeling of immense happiness spreading inside you, that feeling of euphoria -- is it all just pheromones? Well, yeah, the simple answer is yes. But the aftershocks leave me in cinders. Or at least it did.

It took me a long time to acknowledge that I'm the type of person that always relives the past and is stuck in the past as long as it is beneficial to my interests. Maybe others experience this and just don't say anything.

This human existence haunts me. This body and its thoughts haunt me.

I'm here dancing on the edge of the night
I'm sleepwalking with a hand full of blue dice
One Hail Mary for the hole in my heart
I'm outside waiting for your love on the boulevard

You're a heavenly creature
With a real dark agenda
You can turn a believer
To a damn dirty sinner
--Casanova, Allie X

Sunday, May 13, 2018

Smoke Signal


Sometimes, I feel like a phony. It's so easy to put on a mask and smile and pretend to be the perfectly normal, cultured woman that society conditions me (to want) to be. But inside... I feel like it's all a farce. Like the angel that others see I am, this little creature, is all fake. It's an act.

Some men may have notches on a bedpost but I have notches in my heart, and there have been many people whose hearts I have broken with a smile and empty pleasantries. Maybe people are readily bewitched by what they want to see, to a fault. I believe that.

I still want to write about something, a sad story, a story from my heart that will somehow satisfy my longing. If that's even possible given the current state of rot my brain is in...

Thursday, May 10, 2018

Captain

I re-watched "Captain America: Civil War" on Netflix and was reminded of how much I enjoyed that movie. The banter between Sam and Bucky was as amusing as ever, and I still adore Agent 13/Sharon Carter who is played by Emily VanCamp. She's a Canadian actress, and I was first introduced to her in a TV show called "Revenge".

The weirdest thing is how people always ship Steve and Bucky together in a relationship, but throw so much hate on Steve x a female character. I guess fangirls love their BL and see other females as a threat. I can't help but find that even if Steve cares about Bucky romantically (and to me, their relationship is simply one of deep friendship/brotherhood), he's bisexual at most because of his canon relationship with Peggy Carter.

I saw "Infinity War" this past week and found it acceptable. It wasn't particularly that engaging for me; I found "Black Panther" way more absorbing.