Ready

In exactly a week, I'll be flyin' outta this Vancouver doom-n-gloom and headin' to L.A. to play. I can't wait for the change of scenery. I'm going to soak in the sun and eat until I drop. I already started packing some of my outfits. I don't know what shoes to bring, but I think something casual would suffice. My friend in L.A. wants to take us hiking and climbing, so I definitely need to be ready to be active. 

At heart, I'm an active person, but in mind, I am a couch potato. (Make that, a bed potato.) And that's terrible, because my mind associates my bed as a place to work and not as a place of rest. That association is hard to break, and I find it hard to rest my mind. Still, writing at my desk is not nearly as comfortable as writing in bed!

Okay, I promised myself I would try and get some writing done. So, here we go...?

Love In The Air

This weekend is a busy weekend that I am immensely looking forward to.

On Saturday, I have afternoon tea with Laerie at La Petite Cuillere! I'm planning to wear my burgundy Michael's Blessing JSK. I'm so far detached from lolita fashion--I just haven't felt cute lately. I'm sure others would disagree, but I'm 27 for crying out loud. I feel like a stagnant drop in the pond. I'm not young, but I'm not old. (I look young though, so people think I'm still some sort of university student... ha, that ship has sailed?)

For Sunday night, Lex booked a table for Gotham Steakhouse. I'm truly excited because I love steak, haha. It's the second year that we are going out for Valentine's dinner. Last year we went to Bishop's, which was a unique and expen$ive experience. I'm excited to eat sweets and steak with my friends!

How else have I been? Well, I started a hip hop class with an old buddy of mine. I was all sweaty five minutes in, but it was a great workout and a lot of fun! Hanging out with my ol' friend really brought back memories of the golden days with the OG rave fam.

And of course Valentine's Day, like any other commercial holiday, is a festive occasion that I enjoy partaking in. I bought cards for two of my gfs and some chocolates from Godiva to give to a dear friend I have at work. He surprised me with amazing Fire Emblem-themed cards in a beautiful envelope, and each card had a thoughtful message written at the back. I have to admit, I wasn't expecting such a touching act! That's usually my forte, but recently I've been feeling low and unmotivated.

After work on V-day, I met up with P; we got takeout and went to his house to catch up on the shows we like watching together. It was cool to hang out, but again, who knows what it all means. I'm left with a sense of disembodiment from reality and from my feelings at this moment, like a rising wave, and at any moment that wave can come crashing down to disrupt my perceptions. I give everything up to God, everything is done according to what is necessary for my personal growth and development. :)

Fossilized

Life works in weird mysterious ways. Like for instance, things have been dug up and unraveled from the past, and yet the objects are not the same as before. They're worn and dusty and no longer serve a purpose. Yet, other things have been dug up, too. It's God's way, I don't know in what way, but it's a way that I need to accept.

I can't keep living in the past like I always do. My thoughts always go floating back, because honestly it's all I've ever known. Those moments of passion, turned to vapid nothingness. And yet... oh, how I'm always looking forward to reliving those moments and memories.

Memories are like photos, engraved in our hearts 
Adding colour and happiness to our lives

And sometimes, sadness.

Cruel

I can't even begin to talk about my feelings. My heart hurts because this life is so cruel, so hard, I can't breathe. I'm broken apart and no one can save me, I'm drowning, I know people want to save me, they want to help me, but I'm struggling to calm down on my own.

I can't even speak. I stare out into the blackness with a heavy heart. But I don't want to cry anymore.

Baggage Reclaim

I went and did the thing today, and I'm not sure what the outcome will be but I'm glad it's over and done with. Now I'm back at home, chilling after putting some laundry in, drinkin' coconut water. Now it's up to destiny.

I've been feeling like I'm in a place of change. Caught in-between phases. I've been openly trying to pursue the things I want in life, and unsure of the progress. I should be more active and get my body back from last year before I go to L.A. and take those bikini beach photos, haha. I really haven't been motivated because as per the previous post, I've been moping in my own self-pity.

Well, since I don't want to bother any of my friends with my personal problems, might as well spill things out on here, my blog.

Whenever I feel down on myself, I tend to withdraw from people, save for a select few. Those people I pester consistently. But I mean, the thing I miss most is having an activity partner. When people are in relationships, they do many things together. If there was a movie or show I'd want to watch, I'd tell my partner. If there was a place I wanted to go to, I'd do the same. I remember how fantastic it used to be to go to raves with my boo. And of course I forced/dragged them to things like restaurants I wanted to go to, and After Hours at the Vancouver Aquarium, yoga, and all sorts of things he had no interest in but went because I wanted to go. I miss that, but I could always do those things with friends, but it's not as close and intimate as a date. Driving to get fried chicken at night, or eating Taiwanese sausage fried rice after work... Man, the memories were just going through the motions, they didn't really mean anything, in my opinion. Everything meant more to me than anyone else.

I'm going to try and make new friends, and strengthen the relationship with existing friends. I've cut a lot of people out of my life, and I'm not ashamed of doing that, because going forward I'm not going to keep people in my life who make me unhappy.

So, now I'm going to make myself some lunch and chill out... ciao.