Wednesday, January 31, 2018

Letter To A Lover

Today I fell ill again, one of many times where my body has failed me. Maybe my low mood has affected me physically, I don't know. In any case I managed to take another day off work, the 4th sick day this month, to see a doctor and take care of my infection.

A friend I recently met offered to drive me to my family doctor. I was grateful for his help, but at the same time we weren't close and I didn't feel comfortable with him. In my heart, I wished it could have been someone I felt comfortable with instead, but I was unwell, and didn't have a choice. I know my other loved ones were busy at work. I had no one to lean on, besides driving myself.

In times like this I wonder if breaking up with my ex was the right thing to do--these are thoughts in my moments of weakness. I know we are both happier apart from each other, after the long struggle of three years. The memories we shared were meaningful; I still remember fondly the moments where he used to love me, and made those feelings clear. I could feel them and his efforts in the beginning, but over time everything got strained. I got strained and unhappy, and I could feel he didn't want to deal with me anymore. He would rather spend time with others than me, and made me feel low and unworthy. He always thought he was better than me, anyway. Those three years hurt me so deeply, but I was blinded by the crazy endorphins of being "in love". Everything was passionate, at the start. I felt so fortunate, as many must feel, at the start.

Up until the end... I feel he did try his best to take care of me in the only ways he knew how. He stopped opening up to me a long time ago. There were horrific events that happened between us during the course of our relationship, but we weathered through and thought foolishly that we could overcome. Anyway, those aspirations turned out to be fruitless.

I'm thankful for my childhood friend coming to check in on me. We enjoyed a nice meal and bubbletea and he took me to get my antibiotics. I'm just... weak, and feeling torn and tired. My emotions are shredded like frayed ribbons. I don't miss my ex, I'm glad that negativity is out of my life, but I'm still mentally processing those memories together. I guess because my body is weak, those sad thoughts of failure come surfacing up.

I still remember how much I was in love with him, years ago when we first met. Everything was so passionate, forbidden, enthralling. I wanted it--hoped, and wished--that our connection could last. But it was like pouring water into a cup with holes: everything we tried to build always slipped through our fingers.

Still, the comforting moments linger and haunt me... having a companion in life wasn't worth feeling unwanted, though. I wasn't a priority anymore, and that's OK because quite frankly I was a fucking bitch at best. But not all the time. I really did try my best. I couldn't handle it, and now I'm looking forward to the future in the hopes of having better days with better love ahead. I knew in my heart that the writing was on the wall... things were too far gone for them to get better.

I hope God is watching. I hope the universe will guide me back to being a happier version of myself. What's the point to still think about a person who blocked me and would rather break up than give me space? I openly admit how I felt in that relationship and he would rather hide and deny. Again, I really cared but was at the end of my rope. I was so unhappy, I didn't want to try anymore, and he easily and happily also let me go. Such is life, and such is how things ended with this story.

Lost feelings x Lost days

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