If Only

somewhere i lost a piece of me
smoking cigarettes on balconies

higher than ever before, we
tear the sky out of the morning

slowly closing it

--There for You, Martin Garrix / If Only, San Holo

What is life? I know I'll never know.

Life is what you make it, a wholesome x nihilistic blend of tea. In nihilism nothing matters and no-one matters; however, because nothing really matters, one is free to believe in what matters to them and make it real for them.

I find it amusing how, when anything holds religious connotations or references to God, people tend to freak out and spout objections galore. So I have craftily started using the word 'The Universe'. And in that, people understand. It's odd, really. People have a sense of otherworldly concepts like fate, karma, etc. but refuse to credit such things to a 'God'.

Today, my grandpa passed away. He lived to the ripe old age of 90+. He was loved, and he gave love. While I am deeply troubled and saddened by his passing, I know that loss is a part of life.

I feel sorry for my father. He must be filled with grief. However, my mother is no stranger to loss, and she is with him now in Hong Kong. With the love and support of family members, I am certain all will pull through.

On the topic of my own life...

I have been feelin' a surge of luck these days. This past month has been filled with fortune for me; wonderful friends and wonderful events.

I used to think I was alone, that I would never know love -- I was wrong. I do know love. I see it in the face of others, and I try my best to extend that love back.

Slowly, I start to realize I am the one that needs to grow as a person and learn to trust that people care for me. Looming over my heart was always the thought that no one would love me for who I am, and so I always tried to change who I was.

Now, I realize slowly... bit by bit peeling the cloth from my eyes, that I have people who genuinely know and like who I am. Not that my self-worth is based on others, oh no, but it's a wake up call that I was not as abandoned as I led myself to believe.

Everyone is lonely, this I know. Everyone wants to be loved. Everyone yearns to be accepted for who they are, to be known.

In order to realize this dream, one has to open themselves to reveal the most hidden (and painful) parts within for the world to see.

I'm trying my best.