Saturday, January 22, 2011

Doom Desire ~Revival~

He ain't beside you
She ain't with me
Nobody in view
The city is just us two...
I got my wish, to fall into a world [I] shouldn't get into. Life is defined by each choice a person makes, and the decisions I've made are very much like a game. Different endings depending on what I do or say. Life is just one big game to me.

I can't help but feel a tinge of uneasiness for what I've done. You say you're all right, eluding to the fact that nothing affects you anymore. But are you really okay? Part of me hopes so. Another part of me is unsure what this means about anything. We'll see how this ending unfolds. Whether it's a good or bad ending is up to fate to decide. This is just one big cliffhanger, you know? I feel like I've come to the end of all I have known, and life has turned a 180 into something completely new and unsure and I don't even know what goes on anymore. I'm pretty sure everything I've done up to this point is, to some extent, supposed to make me happy... and it does. But I'm just really sorry the way everything turned out. I can't explain myself. I wish people could just see. I have a lot of growing to do. Hopefully writing things down will award me with some form of clarity. Because honestly, with all the time that's gone by, I still feel as if it had only been a second.

I haven't been able to write lately. Like, every time I try to write a blog entry it comes out weird and incomprehensible. Usually I make sense of everything, but lately I hated everything I wrote and it just wasn't good enough for me to want to keep. Nothing deep, nothing complex... as if life had zapped all my creative energy away from me and left me with only blandness and shit. I'm glad I could at least write something decent now, since it's well into the new year and this blog has come to a standstill. If 2009-2010 was 'the year of the monster', then surely 2011 is starting off to be 'the year of lies' and/or 'the year of i don't know whys'. Ugh, everything is spiraling out of control... New friends, new life...

Is anything going to work out?

--

"Fine then. We're over!"

The black-haired girl slammed the receiver down and fumed. Oh, how she fumed. Once again she had butted heads with that idiot of a blond and she couldn't stand it.

It was no wonder he, despite his good looks, hadn't the reputation to hold a candle to anything. The boy was a useless dreamer, a hermit, lacking in both common sense and style. For the longest time she hadn't see it. For the longest time she longed to look past the imperfections and accept him for who he was. But it was hard, and only grew harder as time went on.

Perfect couple? More like too good to be true. Labels in high school meant nothing after graduation.

She twisted her hands together, taking deep breaths in an attempt to calm herself. It wasn't working. Frustration flooded her veins. Another argument served to become another sliver of hopelessness embedded in her. Hopelessness for their relationship-- what was left of it, anyway.

Little things he did, little things he said; words that used to charm her now irritated her beyond belief. When she felt like this, it was hard to stop irrationality from taking over. It was a love-hate relationship. At times, she hated his guts. She wanted terrible things to happen to him. He drove her insane. But the scent of his body drove her wild. His touch was her craving. She took comfort in the safety of their relationship. It was hard to shake off someone she'd been with for so many years.

Deep down, she knew she was a weak person. Her words were tough, but the conviction was lacking. She didn't want to give in, she didn't want to apologize again like she always did. But that was how it always was. She was always the first one to reach out.

She hated herself for it.

Karelos toyed with the idea of calling other acquaintances, but she felt as jittery as hell. Fights with Cloud always made her feel that way.

Somehow, and not surprisingly, she ended up at a certain raven-haired boy's house. Go figure. Even this pattern was repetitive and stale...

"The fuck's wrong with you today?"

She rolled onto her stomach beside him. "I'm not in the mood, okay?"

"Then why'd you come?" He tried to mask his annoyance, but it bled through loud and clear. "I thought you wanted to get your fix. Your man has a grand history of failing to satisfy."

"I don't know. I don't know anything. I don't even know what I should do."

He was going to tell her to leave when he saw the tears falling. Just great. It wasn't in his expertise to deal with weepy girls, though he had a history of them. Somehow he didn't feel like kicking her out just yet.

"My throat hurts. I feel sick to my stomach, and worst of all, he doesn't even care!" she angrily wiped at her eyes. "Not that I care if he doesn't care, but..."

"Are you pregnant?"

"What? No! Why would you ask that?"

"Could be the case." He shrugged, speaking so matter-of-factly that it scared her to think that this was how he handled his "accidents".

"Look... I'm sorry but I can't even handle you right now." She climbed out of bed and reached for her clothes. "I know you're the last person on earth that would sympathize. I'll see you around."

He let her go.

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