Saturday, December 25, 2010

Take Me Home ~Revival~

Christmas. Why am I dejected? Always the holiday seasons seem to instill some sort of sickening realizations. Why is life such a bitch? A damn pretty bitch that likes to play games. Cruel games. I hate how life forces me to hurt people. How it gives me so many people and so many "chances at love" that I never asked for. I never asked for romance to begin with. If it happens, it happens... but if they're not 'the one for me', then obviously it's not going anywhere. At the same time, there are people who wish so badly for someone to be with, and they get no one. It's a sick joke. I'm effin' being played, and I'm sick of being the bad guy. Sick of hurting others; sick of hurting myself.

What causes people to fall in love? I was just being myself. I learned from the past not to flirt for fun. I never do that anymore. All the cases that have affected me, I never gave ANY hint that I was interested except interest in hanging out for fun. I guess guys (and girls) just see that as open invitation. And I can tell that the moment they start to see me in a different way, everything changes. But that's life. I'm just tired of awkwardness, lost friendships, & being hated for my feelings that I have no control over. (God, I'm a weak person. Why can't I be strong and leave when I should? It's because I don't know if it's really working or if it's meant to be and that indecisiveness is eating away at the decaying relationship.)

On a completely different note, clubbing last night was so fun. Being slightly drunk is the best, and coupled with the strong dance floor beats it was total heaven. Plus, I really appreciated who I was with...

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Right Now ~Revival~

Sometimes, I just wanna say: Can't you see you need to change? Can't you see you're rotting?

It's not up to me to tell you how to live your life but, you should at least try... Yet you're still trapped in the little fishbowl, unaccustomed to any other way but your own. I wish I could help you. I put my hands against the glass, but you don't let anything reach you. Alone, you're untouchable. It is others who taint your heart...
"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket-- safe, dark, motionless, airless-- it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” ~C.S. Lewis
How sad that quote has always made me... After all, who wants to be alone. Yet people choose that path for themselves. Like me, I hope they regret nothing they choose to do. There's no going back. The path burns away at your heels.

What is the reason for their return? In a nest where hornets dwell, why would the lone moth flutter by to visit? In that nest, that ever-changing cocoon of swelling and changing feelings, could it be that what was once treasured is welcome no more? The next chapter will surely unravel more of this tragedy.