Monday, January 15, 2018

x

I have a true name, and I have secrets.
Promises always get broken.

there are days where i put on the mask that people are not born with, but given
and i contemplate a variety of different subjects that most people don't care to talk about. i wonder if there is more to life than accepting the way things are. i wonder if there is a secret path to awakening, a spiritual and mental awakening, to truly show us what we are.

for myself... i sometimes feel free and i sometimes feel suffocated, like i'm drowning. i feel like i see everyone so clear, their motives, their ugliness. isn't it disheartening? i can't accept, i need to push it all away before it corrupts me.

some days i feel numb, other days are filled with acceptance, and more of them are filled with an indescribable longing.

Saturday, January 13, 2018

Hot Lightning

Another tiring day. Don't know what's what sometimes.

I stared up at office buildings and the gray sky, feeling a little more like myself. My old self. Something ethereal that lay dormant for a long time. Seeing things, but not actually seeing them.

Lately, when I see certain people, I can feel their energy. Like they want to sharpen this growing weapon; I see it like a glowing spear or arrow. I sense they want to strike me with it, but I don't want to be struck, if that makes sense.

When a person starts liking you but you don't like them back the same passionate way, that's what it feels like. At some point the feeling is different and so is the way that person looks at you and speaks to you.

Then again, as soon as you meet someone they're already sharpening their weapons against you anyway. Whether for love, or something else.

Friday, January 12, 2018

You Can't See Me In Askr Castle

A/N: i said i would be working on my novel at the starbucks today, but so far i've been clowning around while my friend works on more excerpts for his story. oh well, here goes:

Though the sun shone brightly in Askr, the air was cold. Kiran wrapped her white robes tighter around her body and hurried through the courtyard. The high altitude of Askr Castle often left her feeling out of breath, so much that quickening her pace was often a struggle.

"Commander Anna, Prince Alfonse," Kiran greeted, as soon as she entered the war council chamber. Sharena was absent. "I've received reports that the Emblian army has advanced and breached our borders. Their troops are marching towards a small village south of the coast."

"This is dire news," Alfonse said.

"You won't like this next part either," Kiran continued. "It appears Princess Veronica herself is leading the charge."

"All the more reason for us to take action," Alfonse declared. "We must move to meet them at once."

Anna looked at Kiran, who hadn't bothered to take off her hood in her haste. Always the rational one, her next words were chosen carefully, with deliberation.

"Our soldiers are still weary from the last battle. We might not be able to spare our resources to save the village."

Alfonse didn't like her answer, Kiran could tell by the way he clenched his jaw and forced himself to even his tone.

"I've never known you to turn away from protecting our people," he said sternly.

"I know how you feel," Anna replied, crossing her arms across her chest. "But I am simply protecting our troops and the Heroes we have worked so painstakingly to summon."

The two of them turned to Kiran expectantly, waiting for the Summoner to determine their course of action, to be the tiebreaker for the debate.

"Well," Kiran started to say. "I..."

--

Meanwhile, in another part of the castle, the fierce glare of sunlight blasting in from the window woke Severa from her slumber. Her long auburn hair, normally fashioned into two twin-tails, spilled across the bed like a waterfall of flame. For a moment she lay still, eyes glossed over like a porcelain doll. Next, the fog of slumber lifted and her brain registered her surroundings. Alarmed by the unfamiliar room, she jerked and snatched up the closest item she could use as a weapon -- a candle holder off the night stand -- and sprung off the bed.

Judging by the view from the window, she wasn't in Nohr, but rather a different country with landscapes unfamiliar to her. Severa noted that the room was high up. Wisps of clouds were everywhere, floating into the sky like ribbons; the sky was shining with an exuberant brightness that could never be imaginable in Nohr.

Her pulse frantically quickened as panic set its way into her mind. Had she been rescued by allies, or captured by foe? She cursed under her breath as she willed her body to remain calm.

"Calm down, Severa," she muttered. "The enemy wouldn't possibly be kind enough to place you in a such nice surroundings."

Gripping the candle holder, she stormed out of the room and braced herself for what she might find.

Monday, January 8, 2018

Take Me There

another lazy sunday spent relaxing at home, playing fire emblem heroes. it's been my daily form of entertainment, and i must say that while the game can be pretty repetitive, the characters are as charming as ever.

somehow a blank slate always leaves me feeling apprehensive. but it's strange, i can't move forward and i can't move back, because even if the page is filled with words, i can't push myself past a certain point. i can't finish anything i start. so, i need to fix that about myself.

anyway, my story, lighthouse... i named it lighthouse because it's the tale that is trying to guide me through the ocean in the dark night. and, fire emblem has become such a big thing for me now. much like how kingdom hearts and pokemon filled my younger days.

and... so far, it's the summon kiran--who is a character between lucina and nowi's build--and how she's been trying to help out the order of heroes. but, during the zachariah arc, alfonse springs feelings on her because he's feeling lonely. and that confuses her. shouldn't it?

meanwhile, shareena has gotten ephraim to target the summoner for whatever reason. she likes causing drama, i suppose. and, by request, camilla aids the summoner by wrestling ephraim off... heh. man, i'm working on my action scenes but they've never been my forte, huh?

i want the next part to be kiran waking up in camilla's room. and since camilla is always up late, she sleeps in while kiran wakes up and decides to grab some scrolls to study in the mess hall before breakfast.

leading into my takumi encounter... now damn it, why can't i execute? what's holding me back? mmm... i know what's holding me back. my own lack of skillz!

Saturday, January 6, 2018

Last Issue

Life has again been filled with mulling over thoughts of self-improvement. The first week of the new year has passed and so far, 2018 has been smooth. There haven't been many highs and lows, but there has been a lot of self-reflection. And, I just don't know what to make of it.

I'm focusing on cutting down my social media consumption. I don't want to spend my life posting things to show off to other people; I can post it here or on Facebook, which I keep because I have friends I talk to. But... I'm even starting to doubt what makes a person a friend. Am I really so bitter because of my experiences? I just don't know anymore.

I want to tap more into my creative side, but I'm scared. I want to show different sides of myself to the world, like a diamond, but I'm scared. My whole life is filled with fears and "buts".

Regarding the social media thing: I really do believe most of the people I know post each day about their lives--mundane things--but for what purpose? To show off? To be somehow acknowledged by others? I won't have the answers.

I met a new acquaintance, and he is unlike anyone else I've ever met. Otherworldly, even. Very spiritual. Open, unafraid to be himself and reach for what he wants. I feel, this person is very creative and is similar to what I used to be. Only, not as openly flirtatious. Hah! Maybe?

Sunday, December 31, 2017

New Year's Greetings

i've wanted to share my new year's resolutions on sheepdoll for a while now. i'm not sure why, but lately i've been feeling the urge to return to 7v13 to rest at where my roots used to be, but online blogging could be done anywhere, i suppose. i guess sheepdoll has always been more lighthearted in my perspective, and i never really go deep into my thoughts and feelings here; mainly, i post about random bits and pieces of writing or a little about my day, and that's it. but today i feel like going deeper into my feelings about the year.

as some of you may know, i've been going through some down times this year. there have been a lot of changes, both professional and personal. i've been pretty happy overall, but that doesn't mean traumatic things haven't happened to me.

first off, i have great friends. they are always supporting me, whenever i need to vent, complain, or whine to them. however, i still feel like something inside me is not at ease. i'm sure i just need some time to myself to reflect. i'm planning to delete my social media next year for a while. logging out of instagram and snapchat, and only keeping facebook for communication purposes with friends.

social media hasn't helped me at all; it hasn't helped me at all with easing my thoughts. although i can't really be without it, because i enjoy browsing through things, it takes up too much of my time. but blogging has helped me, and i hope to find some solace again through blogging.

for the new year, i hope i can achieve the following things:

-save more money
-stop crying so much
-let the past stay in the past
-sleep earlier like before or at 1am -- but i think that's a bit of a stretch and unachievable, haha.

more to come, soon. i just feel like a sad girl all the time and i wish i could snap out of this funk.

Sunday, December 24, 2017

Goodness & Love Will Always Win

I'm really grateful for my shining rays of light in the darkness.

You know, I always considered that I didn't have many friends in life, but when the holiday season rolled around I was surprised by the amount of people who asked me to hang out and exchanged gifts with me.

I'm especially grateful for a certain androgynous-admiring brunette friend of mine. She's someone I am glad I approached to befriend earlier in the year. It was truly destined; she is someone I can walk and look with, enjoy food with, and have meaningful conversations with. 

Another friend I am truly grateful for is another doe-eyed brunette, who is always patient and supportive of me. She stills my heart and makes me feel like I have someone in my corner whenever worrying things happen. 

I had a really good day today, even if the morning was quite stressful. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, and I'm very much looking forward to spending it with my family.

Saturday, December 23, 2017

Show Me

i was nothing special
but thanks to the memories you gave me
i became the main character
in a sad love story

a story that’s only special to me
not a single star in the night sky
--love story / epik high

Friday, December 22, 2017

Code Black

it's so much harder to fall out of love
than to fall in love
you make me live and die again 

--epik high

Nothing could change her, the girl with the dark eyes. None of life's lessons reached her. Nothing was able to touch her anymore.

She was so beyond them now, so immersed in lies and sin.

The moment he had taken her under his wing, the moment she accepted the fate he handed her, was the moment her only doorway back to a normal life finally shut.

He liked to show her off at parties; she knew the red backless dress she wore was his favourite. She sat perched on his knee, laughing along with a drink, his hand pressed against the small of her back as if to physically remind her who she belonged to.

She didn't care. It wasn't something she necessarily disagreed with. The nights they spend together had spanned into years now, breeding familiarity and comfort.

---

One night, she drunkenly bumped into an old acquaintance.

She saw him through blurred eyes, clumsily pulling the hem of her skirt down as he stared at her. Her vision drifted in and out of focus, until she caught the gleam of his hair colour in the neon lights and recognition briefly flooded her face.

An outstretched hand grasped at his dress shirt. It took her a moment to register that the hand reaching out was her own.

He made to knock her hand aside, but stilled himself. Her face was flushed red, but not from embarrassment.

"Well, hello sunshine," she laughed, words flowing in a sing-song voice. "Long time no see."

"Long time, indeed."

If he was nervous, he didn't show it. And she was cloaked in a veil of false bravado.

"Join me in a drink?"

She poured herself another drink and downed the clear liquid, feeling it burn down her throat.

The inquisitive, fearless girl was gone; in her place stood an empty woman, the shell of someone he once knew.

He couldn't stop the words from pouring out his mouth.

---

She heard his voice, but it all seemed far away, like she was trapped behind a glass case.

She couldn't make out if the words were an accusation. His light eyes stared straight into her; his face held no emotion.

"You used me," he said flatly.

"So what?"

"You treated everyone like shit, you know? You couldn't see how selfish you were."

"That's funny, coming from you," she laughed. "You're as selfish as they come."

"I cared about you. That's the difference."

" You think I didn't care?"

"You didn't care about how you made us feel. Especially Soleil. No wonder she started hating you."

"I'm done with this conversation." She slammed the glass down. "Leave."

She watched, amused, as he stood frozen. His eyes were still unreadable.

When he turned and disappeared down the hall, she found herself smiling in satisfaction.

Then, heart pounding, she forced herself to choke down the remaining alcohol.

Thursday, December 21, 2017

Cliché

"You need to find happiness in yourself. Other people can only enhance what is already there."

If only that were always true. But if one opened their eyes further they would see that survival has always depended on factors outside of our control. Alliances, resources, odds to be swayed in one's favour.

It's simply untrue that one has to be whole to find happiness in others. In my years of dealing with depression and now, in my older years, anxiety, I find it terribly patronizing to post that someone can easily find happiness in themselves.

For some, it's simply impossible. I suppose this comes and goes for everyone, even those of the soundest emotional temperaments.

In fact... I've found my most beloved friends in moments of my worst weakness.

All that shit about "what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger" is simply not true.

As for me... my friends bring a light in me that has long shut off. So no... I don't believe that something inside me is being enhanced. Rather, I am being supported--lifted when there's nothing else.

But thanks, anon... good to see someone comment instead of just lurking like always. Haha.