Tuesday, June 19, 2018

Worldly Passions

lately it's been a struggle with my faith. i know humility is valued and we must want others to be lifted while wanting little for the self. no need to be understood,  or accepted. no fear of being lonely.

but sin tastes so good. the mind is willing but the flesh is weak. and the heart... the heart is torn in half. tearing me in half.

i can only hope my labour is not in vain, as is promised. even if it is... i can only endure.

wishes don't come true, do they?

and if they do...

we will only end in punishment. i have no tales left to tell.

Saturday, June 16, 2018

Phase Out

I'm exhausted so I guess it's time for bed. Before I go I wanted to say... a couple of things happened this week.

I came back from Asia and realized that people missed me. They care about me and wanted to see me and spend time with me, particularly Timothy and Fey. It really lifted my spirits when Fey said the Valor crew missed me. I know we shouldn't put too much weight on what others think about us, but I wasn't expecting to hear these words. I had friends in HK, such as Eva, want to try and find time to hang out. However, time didn't permit us to have a meal. I know they were looking forward to spending some time with me... I perhaps need to stop thinking negatively about my friends, or thinking I don't have any, or that they wouldn't care if I wasn't around. In some small way, I'm sure I add to their lives. I can only pray to become a better friend.

In that same vein... Arty actually requested graveyard shifts so that he would be able to see me more. It's kind of odd to me, seeing as we've only known each other for 2 weeks. But he's super nice and he decided on a restaurant to go to for lunch tomorrow. He recalled that I mentioned liking hummus, so he catered to that in his restaurant choice. I feel happy that he's being so considerate, but isn't it a bit soon? After all, I'm only trying to know others better as a friend... I hope everything is all right with that. I must strive to be a proper Christian girl, haha. Being a woman sure is hard sometimes. But I'm not getting any younger!

Through reflection I know now that even though I idealized Natalie as a best friend, I never got the chance to act like a good friend. I made questionable decisions that were selfish, only thinking about myself. But I can't stay stuck in the past, and just because her writing blended effortlessly into mine and we created our own little world together doesn't mean she was my twin flame or soul mate. Everything has a place in time, and she was there during my high school years to get me through. But I would have never been truly happy with her in a friendship because I don't believe that type of personality would ever actively ask me to hang out, message me first, or attempt to make me a bigger part of their life. I know its probably asking a lot since I wasn't the greatest friend back then, but communication is key. How could I tolerate someone who locks their feelings away? And that's why I know that when I look for friends, the relationship must be open and honest with both people striving to give and take as equally as possible.

In hindsight, I wonder if she was ashamed of me because of my race, or maybe because of her family's views on Asian people. I know my good friends Laerie and Tim come from white families that are intolerant and racist, to the point where they both seem to have separated themselves from their families. I really care about my tall blond, blue-eyed friend and my tall brunette-with-a-ponytail friend. They've really carried me through tough times and I hope I can continued to be there for them.

Tomorrow is community day for Pokemon. I'm meeting a semi-new friend for a quick breakfast/larvitar hunting and Arty for lunch. Then later I think I'm grabbing a drink with a dude I first met 3 years ago. Funny story... he actually asked a mutual friend for my number after meeting me at a club but never messaged me until today. But he seems kinda wild and unreliable, so I'll keep my guard up and see what he wants. Shrug... I'm too old for all these plays. 

At least life has been eventful.

Thursday, June 14, 2018

Falling Back

I'm making an attempt to stop the spiral. I'm trying not to walk the path to ruin when everyone else has ascended to brighter days. I wasn't mature enough to appreciate my blessings, and I was blinded by selfish desires. Now, I simply reap what I sow. Lol

I had my time. I should simply be grateful.

Monday, June 11, 2018

Sleep Walking

My sleeping schedule would have been back to normal, had I only gotten up when my body instructed me to. I don't feel like writing, but I need to force myself to concentrate.

These days, I want to be asleep most of the time. Not simply because of jet lag, which I was fighting hard last week, but because I don't want to be awake. I want to fall forever into the sweet depths of unconsciousness in my comfortable cloud of a bed. But, no one can do that naturally; we all have obligations, and I have no desire to be in a coma (for now?).

Besides, that's a silly and unrealistic want.

Yesterday was a sunny Sunday; I went out for a coffee with Tammy before church. The sermon related to me in the sense that I am often trapped with perceiving the past as "the good ol' days". Judging from the history on this blog, that can't be more true. But it's time to let bygones be bygones and move on to a brighter future that can hold more fortunes than any of my memories combined, as Jesus foretells.

After church, I drove Tammy home and headed to meet a young man named Artemas. Unusual spelling, I know--Laerie and I did go over this. He wanted to try "Bandidas Taqueria". I'll bet he didn't know it was a vegetarian taco place? Maybe he did. Anyway, I enjoyed the tacos there, and as things turned out, the boy is actually a solid conversationalist and able to hold topics that I enjoy conversing about. We chatted about colonialism's effects on our current society (LOL), and he even knew about Japan's horrible women's rights policies. He's a polite, soft-spoken lad whose catchphrase is "Of course!" He even holds my stuff, haha.

Coincidentally, Italian Day on The Drive happened to fall on this day, so we walked through the throngs of people and visited several booths. I spin a roulette and won a gift card for a poke shop opening in 3 weeks' time. Their kombucha sample was crisp and refreshing! I wish I won that instead, but I suppose I can use the prize I won to buy some kombucha when the time comes.

~~ And now... writing attempts!!! ~~

X snapped awake when the pen in his hand dropped onto the desk with a tap. The office was so warm, he nearly dozed off in the middle of his work. He leaned back in the plush leather chair and rubbed at his eyes.

Although his father's power over him was diminishing, X still held obligations to the company that he could not shirk. His father knew this, and more out of punishment than anything, decided to unleash an ungodly amount of work onto his son.

Typical behaviour in the X family--an eye for an eye.

Still, things could have been worse, X thought, as he sipped from a cup of coffee that had long grown cold. His father was often out of town, and ever since his mother's passing, was more distant that ever. This freed X from the nagging phone calls he normally received several times a day.

X glanced at his wristwatch, noting that it was almost noon. He decided to wrap up the proposal he was writing and see if his friend would be free to have lunch.

My dream last night:
a girl playing a song on the guitar, drawing a crowd
the king was watching, looking more and more displeased
it was raining, and his royal guard comes running up with an umbrella
thinking the king displeased with the girl, he offers to remove her
but the king rejects his idea, more displeased with the crowd

Thursday, June 7, 2018

Old Habits ~Love In The Ice~

Why am I doing any of this again? Well, I have got a bit of free time on my hands, yes, but why am I trying to create something? Write something, again? None of this really matters, but I'm trying to create a hobby so I can try and relax. It's causing me more stress than relaxation. Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning, but no one can save me. Except... myself?!

Second Chances
~pokemon one shot attempt~

"Hey, girl! Wanna battle?"

Though someone evidently called out to her, Maya tugged her hat lower over her eyes and kept on walking. Early morning meant that the city was crawling with trainers. Some were itching to start their day with a battle, and since Maya had the sporty look down pat and a belt of pokeballs at her waist, she was a prime target for such provocations. Most people didn't manage to faze her, but it took all her might to ignore the jeers coming from a group of boys hanging out by the Pokemon Center entrance.

"Too scared, lady? You must not have any strong pokemon," a boy with curly hair taunted.

"She dresses like a battle girl," a friend beside him snorted, "but I bet she battles like a lass."

Maya inhaled sharply to steady her rising temper and stepped into the air-conditioned building. She hadn't come to pick fights with youngsters; she had more important matters to attend to.

The inside of the Pokemon Center was spacious and bright. Maya made a beeline for the cafe after spotting her friend. He was hard to miss, wearing a green vest with a matching cap over blond hair that didn't quite reach his shoulders.

"Curtis, you're here early." Maya greeted the boy with a wave. She slung a leg over the chair across from him and took a seat.

"All ready for our fishing trip?" he asked, a bright smile plastered on his youthful face. He straightened up in his seat, looking delighted to see her.

"Of course," Maya replied. "You love fishing, and you rarely get days off. I'm surprised you even managed to book this trip with me."

He stood and leaned over the table to close the distance between them.

"Of course I'd find time for you. You're my girlfriend," he said softly, a blush creeping over his cheeks as took her hand and kissed it.

Maya startled; Curtis was blatantly forward with his feelings, which was the polar opposite of her own personality. He was smooth with his words and charismatic no matter the occasion. Though he spoke little about his job, she thought he would make a great TV announcer, or something along those lines.

"Ah, we're in public," Maya mumbled, unsure of how she felt about the title he insistently gave her. "It's like you do these things on purpose to rile me up."

Curtis laughed, a melodic sound. Sometimes Maya wondered if her partner was secretly a milotic in disguise. Even the beauty mark by his lip only served to enhance his elegance... despite the fact that he dressed like a typical Fisherman the majority of the time, a testament to his favourite hobby.

Not letting go of her hand, he pulled her to her feet. "Let's go, Maya."


They met on an online trainer's app Maya downloaded out of curiousity, as a way to test out her new Xtransceiver. Browsing through the numerous profiles, she stopped at his photo. His lively green eyes immediately captured her attention, as they were painfully reminiscent of someone she once knew. She read further into his description and discovered that he liked fishing and music. Everything about him seemed normal enough, so she took a chance.

As things turned out, he was as lonely as she was--but in a different sense. He wasn't a serious trainer like she was, but busied himself with fishing trips and his secretive career, leaving little time to meet others. He did mention a girl he was close with, one that he happened to meet by chance through a lost item, but Maya chose not to pry too deeply into that subject.

Although Curtis hailed from the Unova region, they decided to visit the Lake of Rage in the northern part of Johto. Ever the competitive one, Maya challenged him to see who could catch the biggest magikarp. They booked a room in Mahogany Town's small inn and planned for a peaceful weekend away.

It was an traditional style inn, which meant they would be sleeping on futons on the floor. When the old lady at the reception desk asked if they would be sharing one futon, Maya's cheeks started to burn a bright red.

"Two, please!" she blurted out, much to Curtis's amusement.

"I don't think I've ever seen you blush so hard," he teased, once they reached their room.

Maya tossed her bag onto the ground and stretched out her arms. "The question caught me off guard, that's all."

"My, my. I didn't know anything could take the great Maya off guard."

His words succeeded in riling her up; Maya turned to face him, circling her arms around his neck to draw him close.

"Keep teasing me," she warned playfully, "and I'll show you what I can do."

Her lips were inches away from his ear. The familiar blush crept over his face as he felt her breath on his skin. He never did quite know how to react when she was forward in return.

"All right, I'll stop." Curtis relented, placing his hands on her shoulders. "Let's unpack and get something to eat."

Satisfied, Maya nodded and released him. The moment she stepped back, a pokeball suddenly begin to shake on her belt. A flash of light appeared as the pokeball burst open, and her quilava emerged from the brightness.

"What's wrong?" Maya asked it, blinking as her quilava let out a cry and dashed out of the room. "H-hey! Wait a minute, don't go running off!"

Maya nearly slipped on the smooth floorboards as she ran to follow the pokemon back down to the lobby. She slid to a halt when she saw the figure that had just stepped in from outside. Quilava joyously jumped into the arms of a young man with dishevelled brown hair and a worn leather jacket.

"What's going on?" Curtis's voice piped up from behind her.

"Nothing," she said hurriedly. She tried to turn away, but it was too late.

"Maya! I thought you'd be around."

There came the voice that made her stomach churn with apprehension. He had spotted her! There was no choice but to plaster on a polite smile and soldier forward to the best of her ability.

"Hello Blue," Maya greeted him politely. "What brings you to Mahogany Town?"

She tried to smile but couldn't, so she was certain the expression on her face looked as awkward as she felt.

"I'm studying pokemon native to route 43. Gramp's orders." Blue gave quilava one last scratch on the head before setting the pokemon down. His eyes shifted from her to the boy standing beside her. "What are you doing here?"

"We came to do some fishing at Lake of Rage," Maya explained. "This is Curtis."

"Nice to meet you," Curtis said, extending his hand out to shake Blue's.

"You seem familiar." Blue took his hand and intently studied Curtis's face. "Have we met before?"

"You're Viridian City's former gym leader, are you not?" Curtis asked. "You've probably seen a lot of faces during your travels."

"Maybe." Blue didn't seem convinced, but he dropped the subject. "Anyway Maya, it was nice seeing you. We should catch up sometime, while we're both here. That is, if you and Curtis aren't too busy."

Maya resisted the urge to give Blue a smack for his snide comment. She watched as Blue picked up his room key and disappeared into a room down the hall.

"C'mon," Curtis said, snapping her out of her thoughts. "Let's get our fishing rods and head out to the lake. We'll grab something to eat on the way."

She nodded in response, letting him lead her by the hand. Her memories were like pesky injuries that never healed right. She tried to shrug them off, but they still ached whenever it rained.


Constant rainfall plagued Lake of Rage for the majority of the year, but today  sky was clear and the glittering blue water rippled gently against the shore. In the distance, the cries of wild pokemon could be heard over the rustle of leaves in the wind.

The pair sat by the water's edge after casting their fishing lines. Maya found her nerves subsiding as the cool air filled her lungs.

"Say, Curtis. You like to sing, right?" Maya asked.

"I do," he replied.

"Well, being here with you... reminds me of a song. If I wasn't so shy, I'd sing it for you!"

"Maybe you could sing a bit," Curtis insisted. His green eyes shone with curiousity. "Maybe I'll recognize the song."

"I guess I could try." Maya hesitated before opening her mouth to sing a few notes. "You are the ocean's gray waves, destined to seek life beyond the shore--"

"--just out of reach," Curtis sang with her. He laughed lightly, having recognized the melody. "But isn't this song from a video game?"

Maya nodded, adjusting her grip on the fishing rod as she gazed over the surface of the lake.

"You know, sometimes I feel like my life is a video game," she confessed, "and I'm stuck on the same level over and over, and I just can't get go forward. And no matter how hard I try, the past keeps catching up to me."

Curtis didn't know how to respond, surprised by the serious tone the conversation had taken. He took a moment to study her serious expression before asking, "Does this feeling have something to do with who we bumped into at the inn?"

"Hmm?" Maya blinked, as if his words broke her out of a trance. "Oh, I'm rambling to myself again. It's nothing!"

She shuffled closer to him, angling her body so that they were shoulder to shoulder. Ever the courteous one, Curtis simply smiled.

"If you ever need to talk, I'm here," he said.

Tuesday, June 5, 2018

Bold As Love ~Echoes~

I went digging around for inspiration to write, and I suddenly remembered this gem of a piece that Natalie wrote, back in the day. Her writing was perfection. I could only ever aspire to be a fraction of her excellence. I'm truly fortunate that I saved a lot of our past works, both on blogs and on my laptop... hey, that really means I should back that shit up! Anyway, I'll place this here for safekeeping. And I've placed some other random excerpts I've written behind here, too. :) They don't add up to much, but provide a peek into the past world of the Epik 4. I really don't know what inspires me now, lol. Besides fanfiction. Anyway, ciao for now.

Monday, June 4, 2018

Swan Song

Seems like my preferred past time is chasing ghosts... 

Rin woke to find that her body felt heavy. She was surrounded by silk sheets in a room that she recognized to be the guest room of a friend's house. Beside her, someone else stirred. Through the pale moonlight, she saw his sleeping form. So, they had passed out together after all.

She slid her arms around him, bringing herself close enough to press her cheek against his back. She felt his hands close around hers.

"You smell sweet," he murmured, swirling in the tail ends of a dream.

He always was nicest when he was half-asleep.

Out on the balcony, the cover of night was so familiar. The cool air in her lungs flooded her with nostalgia. The air in the crystal city always left her feeling different, made her feel like the world had more to offer.

He lit a cigarette and inhaled deeply. It started to rain. The smoke rose and she watched it evaporate into the grey sky.

"What are you looking for here?" he asked.

The moonlight made his skin glow. She looked up at him, the prince of his own world--no, the king. His blue eyes bore into her, saw right through her.

"Maybe I missed you," she found herself saying.

He flicked his cigarette butt dismissively. "You say that to all the boys."

She wanted to say more, but sighed. There was no use explaining herself to someone who didn't believe in love.

"Do you ever think that there's more to life than parties?"

He shrugged, uninterested in what she had to say. His next words surprised her.

"I should warn you that Lukas is back in town. No doubt word of your return has reached your mother and father."

"I'll be careful."

She closed her eyes, feeling the slight breeze against her skin. This life had so many troubles. She was determined not to let a ghost from her past be one of them.

The sun soon rose behind the thick velvet curtains in the room. Rin hated how the sunlight was capable of bringing back back memories of her old life. Everyone always told her it wouldn’t matter, that everything would be fine, that her pain would somehow become mitigated with time. Dreams of a life that would never come to fruition told her otherwise. The love she had felt, that happiness—it all seemed far behind her now.

“Wake up.” A stern male voice broke her out of her thoughts.

Calmly, she opened her eyes and sat up. Nero was gone. A young man dressed in fine clothing moved around the room, pulling open the curtains to let in the sunlight.

“I’m awake.” She sighed, rubbing at her temples.

He gazed at her disapprovingly. “I swear, if Nero were not so fond of you, I’d have something to say.”

“Well, it’s a good thing he is, then.”

“I can’t see why,” the man mused. “You’re ordinary.”

“Shut up,” Rin snapped, tired of his jabs. She pushed dark hair out of her eyes. “Is it time for the meeting already?”

“Soon. Get ready. I’ll escort you downstairs.”

As she rose to make her way to the washroom, he slapped a hand on her shoulder.

“Don’t fuck up,” he said warningly.

She pushed off his hand with a glint in her eyes. “I won’t.”

Thursday, May 31, 2018

Here And Now

Hey, don't think about all the pain you've left behind
The past is over now, you're free to clear your mind
And if you're falling back through time, look in my eyes...
--Be Here Now / Brennan Heart & Jonathan Mendelsohn

Wow, I can't believe my trip is almost over. Just a few days left! I went to Singapore and didn't even find time to write about it. That's classic behaviour from me--making a resolution and then breaking it to drop off the grid for a while. In my defence, I'm utterly exhausted from being out every day, doing all the tourist activities. I slept like a log last night, allowing myself the time to recharge.

The laksa and white coffee in Singapore made me want to die and go to heaven, it was delightful! My goodness. The best part of the trip was getting to see all the historical Chinese buildings, preserved amidst the architecture of the modern city. I took photos, but I'll have to upload them onto here at a later date.

Night view @ Gardens by the Bay

We ventured through Chinatown and ate at a lot of restaurants (trips to Asia typically involve constant eating, I definitely gained weight! Haha). Anyway, we visited a seafood restaurant called "Jumbo Seafood" to eat crab, and that was divine as well. The sauce they used was unlike anything I've tasted. Everything was simply splendid. I can't complain... now, I'm back in HK and it's a few days before the wedding. 

I've been thinking about a lot of things lately, "soul searching" as my aunt Maria calls it. Have I come to any solid conclusions? Well, no... I'm back to square one. But, aren't I always? Feels like I'm 18 again...

For instance, what is right and what is wrong? I'm torn between being proper and falling back into my old partying ways. What's wrong with partying? Well, is it not responsible? And now that I'm on my own, I suppose if I'm honest with myself, I'm scared. I used to party with people I really trusted, that I allowed myself to be vulnerable with. Now, my walls are up and it's hard for me to change this. I get anxiety over silly things that never bothered me before. I'm guarded, and that's terrible, even if there's nothing I can do.

I also wanted to say, I rewatched Black Panther like, 3 times on the plane rides I've been on. While flying to HK, Singapore, and then back to HK. I just love that movie, it's perfection. Everything from Michael Bae Jordan, to the strong female characters, to Chadwick Boseman's regal presence. I love the fusion between African culture and futuristic elements. Love it, I just love it! And Daniel Kaluuya as W'Kabi was perfect. I loved that him and Danai Gurira's Okoye were love interests in the movie. All in all, I really enjoyed that movie and would probably watch it again when I return back to Vancouver. Hehe.

Saturday, May 26, 2018

Line Up

I need help on how to wind down in the evenings. I was dead tired at dinner and the car ride back, but now that I've finished showering and wrapping up my nightly routine, I'm wide awake! Some would say no electronics before bed, but tough luck on that happening. I know if I write a little bit here, I'll be content enough to sleep peacefully in a bit.

Today was eventful, as my aunt from San Francisco flew in with my cousin at the airport, so we went to pick them up. But in the morning, my mother went down and bought McDonald's for my grandma and me. I had a filet-o-fish with HK style milk tea, and I think it's awesome they have HK milk tea readily available anywhere. It's a blessing.

Closer to lunch, mother and I went out to Wong Tai Sin to meet up with my father, grandma, and two aunts on my father's side. We went to dim sum and had a good time. I love my mah mah very much. It was really great seeing her.

After, we continued the search for a dress for me to attend my cousin's wedding. We went to several places, and a lacy pink dress at Kate Spade was on my radar, but we ended up trying several dresses from Ted Baker and ended up with a pink dress there instead. I suspect my father got a bit impatient with all the walking around, so after I tried a few on he chose the pink one for me. Will post pics at a later time, as they are all on my phone, but I think the dress looks decent on me. my shoes are pink as well, so I hope they end up matching. And if not, who cares, I love pink so I'd happily do pink-on-pink.

We then separated from my father's side family and met up again with my trendy aunt Emily. We headed to the airport to see aunt Heidi, picked her up, and we all had dinner at a hotel. I believe it was Regal Hotel, something like that. It was a good dinner and our family had some good laughs, as we had a table of 10 people.

My thoughts are... well, I'm still riddled with anxiety most of the time. I'm moping around internally, but at least I don't have time to think about it much when I'm out and about. I love seeing my family, and it makes me very happy, but I don't know what's wrong with me. I guess I need to keep praying and turning to God to find some semblance of inner peace within myself. There's a storm brewing inside me, always, and I need to calm it with something soothing.

In the past, I had ways to cope that were likely unhealthy and still would be considered so. Now I'm all alone, on my own, trying to figure this shit out. Well, that wraps up my day 2 in Hong Kong, land of my birth. Tomorrow seems to have more events lined up, so I'd better try and sleep, and then on Monday morning I'm off to Singapore for 3 days! I'm excited and I heard the seafood (crab) is delicious over there so... here I am! And that's a wrap.

Friday, May 25, 2018

Right Of The Soil

I woke up feeling groggy, but well-rested. I'm back in HK again, to visit my relatives, and attend my cousin's wedding.

The plane ride here was all right. I watched two movies and slept, ending the trip with a shark documentary. I think I've grown accustomed to sitting in a comatose state, thanks to the courtesy of my office job. I was sore as hell after, but sitting for 13 hours will do that to a person.

I re-watched Black Panther because that was a great movie, Michael B Jordan was just... well, you know, he's hot. Bust-your-braces, hot. And I watched Maze Runner: The Death Cure after that, and it exceeded my expectations! The latter movie was jam packed with action and made me laugh, it was overall enjoyable which I don't remember the previous movie being.

After I landed my mother and father, grandma, and big uncle, were at the airport to fetch me. Then we met up with my auntie Emily and uncle Tat to eat breakfast. We had HK style breakfast which consisted of macaroni in soup with meat, eggs and toast, and of course, HK milk tea, which is the bomb. So delicious.

Then we retired to rest a bit at my grandma's place, which is where I'm staying, before my mom pulled me out to eat again a mere two hours after we just ate. It was worth it though, because the fish congee and yau ja gwai (Chinese cruller) I had was divine! I haven't eaten that deep fried stuff in years. Mom and I shared a pot of apple tea which was quite refreshing as well.

Then we walked around a bit to shop, picked up some things, before meeting with my big uncle to head out to Tsim Sha Tsui to pick up big aunt after she got off work and then we walked around to try and find me a dress for the wedding. I picked a delightful design from Snidel, a pink dress embroidered with flowers, but we didn't end up buying it. Big uncle even drove us to another shopping centre to search for that dress but we could not find it. Anyway it was great to be back by the water again. HK has very beautiful waterside views, and the shopping here is incredible as to be expected.

For dinner, I had pork tonkotsu with curry and a side of takoyaki and miso soup but I was so full I didn't even wanna eat it! (I still ate it with the assistance of my father.)

I ended up buying a pair of platform sandals with a cork bottom and metallic silver straps. Hip, I know. They're pretty comfortable. I also bought some stickers with a trendy anime design.

At home, I was dead tired. I wanted to start writing a story but fell asleep and slept soundly until my mother woke me up asking if I wanted breakfast... This is the life, right?