Wednesday, February 28, 2018


In exactly a week, I'll be flyin' outta this Vancouver doom-n-gloom and headin' to L.A. to play. I can't wait for the change of scenery. I'm going to soak in the sun and eat until I drop. I already started packing some of my outfits. I don't know what shoes to bring, but I think something casual would suffice. My friend in L.A. wants to take us hiking and climbing, so I definitely need to be ready to be active. 

At heart, I'm an active person, but in mind, I am a couch potato. (Make that, a bed potato.) And that's terrible, because my mind associates my bed as a place to work and not as a place of rest. That association is hard to break, and I find it hard to rest my mind. Still, writing at my desk is not nearly as comfortable as writing in bed!

Okay, I promised myself I would try and get some writing done. So, here we go...?

Friday, February 16, 2018

Love In The Air

This weekend is a busy weekend that I am immensely looking forward to.

On Saturday, I have afternoon tea with Laerie at La Petite Cuillere! I'm planning to wear my burgundy Michael's Blessing JSK. I'm so far detached from lolita fashion--I just haven't felt cute lately. I'm sure others would disagree, but I'm 27 for crying out loud. I feel like a stagnant drop in the pond. I'm not young, but I'm not old. (I look young though, so people think I'm still some sort of university student... ha, that ship has sailed?)

For Sunday night, Lex booked a table for Gotham Steakhouse. I'm truly excited because I love steak, haha. It's the second year that we are going out for Valentine's dinner. Last year we went to Bishop's, which was a unique and expen$ive experience. I'm excited to eat sweets and steak with my friends!

How else have I been? Well, I started a hip hop class with an old buddy of mine. I was all sweaty five minutes in, but it was a great workout and a lot of fun! Hanging out with my ol' friend really brought back memories of the golden days with the OG rave fam.

And of course Valentine's Day, like any other commercial holiday, is a festive occasion that I enjoy partaking in. I bought cards for two of my gfs and some chocolates from Godiva to give to a dear friend I have at work. He surprised me with amazing Fire Emblem-themed cards in a beautiful envelope, and each card had a thoughtful message written at the back. I have to admit, I wasn't expecting such a touching act! That's usually my forte, but recently I've been feeling low and unmotivated.

After work on V-day, I met up with P; we got takeout and went to his house to catch up on the shows we like watching together. It was cool to hang out, but again, who knows what it all means. I'm left with a sense of disembodiment from reality and from my feelings at this moment, like a rising wave, and at any moment that wave can come crashing down to disrupt my perceptions. I give everything up to God, everything is done according to what is necessary for my personal growth and development. :)

Wednesday, February 7, 2018


Life works in weird mysterious ways. Like for instance, things have been dug up and unraveled from the past, and yet the objects are not the same as before. They're worn and dusty and no longer serve a purpose. Yet, other things have been dug up, too. It's God's way, I don't know in what way, but it's a way that I need to accept.

I can't keep living in the past like I always do. My thoughts always go floating back, because honestly it's all I've ever known. Those moments of passion, turned to vapid nothingness. And yet... oh, how I'm always looking forward to reliving those moments and memories.

Memories are like photos, engraved in our hearts 
Adding colour and happiness to our lives

And sometimes, sadness.

Friday, February 2, 2018


I can't even begin to talk about my feelings. My heart hurts because this life is so cruel, so hard, I can't breathe. I'm broken apart and no one can save me, I'm drowning, I know people want to save me, they want to help me, but I'm struggling to calm down on my own.

I can't even speak. I stare out into the blackness with a heavy heart. But I don't want to cry anymore.

Thursday, February 1, 2018

Baggage Reclaim

I went and did the thing today, and I'm not sure what the outcome will be but I'm glad it's over and done with. Now I'm back at home, chilling after putting some laundry in, drinkin' coconut water. Now it's up to destiny.

I've been feeling like I'm in a place of change. Caught in-between phases. I've been openly trying to pursue the things I want in life, and unsure of the progress. I should be more active and get my body back from last year before I go to L.A. and take those bikini beach photos, haha. I really haven't been motivated because as per the previous post, I've been moping in my own self-pity.

Well, since I don't want to bother any of my friends with my personal problems, might as well spill things out on here, my blog.

Whenever I feel down on myself, I tend to withdraw from people, save for a select few. Those people I pester consistently. But I mean, the thing I miss most is having an activity partner. When people are in relationships, they do many things together. If there was a movie or show I'd want to watch, I'd tell my partner. If there was a place I wanted to go to, I'd do the same. I remember how fantastic it used to be to go to raves with my boo. And of course I forced/dragged them to things like restaurants I wanted to go to, and After Hours at the Vancouver Aquarium, yoga, and all sorts of things he had no interest in but went because I wanted to go. I miss that, but I could always do those things with friends, but it's not as close and intimate as a date. Driving to get fried chicken at night, or eating Taiwanese sausage fried rice after work... Man, the memories were just going through the motions, they didn't really mean anything, in my opinion. Everything meant more to me than anyone else.

I'm going to try and make new friends, and strengthen the relationship with existing friends. I've cut a lot of people out of my life, and I'm not ashamed of doing that, because going forward I'm not going to keep people in my life who make me unhappy.

So, now I'm going to make myself some lunch and chill out... ciao.

Wednesday, January 31, 2018

Letter To A Lover

Today I fell ill again, one of many times where my body has failed me. Maybe my low mood has affected me physically, I don't know. In any case I managed to take another day off work, the 4th sick day this month, to see a doctor and take care of my infection.

A friend I recently met offered to drive me to my family doctor. I was grateful for his help, but at the same time we weren't close and I didn't feel comfortable with him. In my heart, I wished it could have been someone I felt comfortable with instead, but I was unwell, and didn't have a choice. I know my other loved ones were busy at work. I had no one to lean on, besides driving myself.

In times like this I wonder if breaking up with my ex was the right thing to do--these are thoughts in my moments of weakness. I know we are both happier apart from each other, after the long struggle of three years. The memories we shared were meaningful; I still remember fondly the moments where he used to love me, and made those feelings clear. I could feel them and his efforts in the beginning, but over time everything got strained. I got strained and unhappy, and I could feel he didn't want to deal with me anymore. He would rather spend time with others than me, and made me feel low and unworthy. He always thought he was better than me, anyway. Those three years hurt me so deeply, but I was blinded by the crazy endorphins of being "in love". Everything was passionate, at the start. I felt so fortunate, as many must feel, at the start.

Up until the end... I feel he did try his best to take care of me in the only ways he knew how. He stopped opening up to me a long time ago. There were horrific events that happened between us during the course of our relationship, but we weathered through and thought foolishly that we could overcome. Anyway, those aspirations turned out to be fruitless.

I'm thankful for my childhood friend coming to check in on me. We enjoyed a nice meal and bubbletea and he took me to get my antibiotics. I'm just... weak, and feeling torn and tired. My emotions are shredded like frayed ribbons. I don't miss my ex, I'm glad that negativity is out of my life, but I'm still mentally processing those memories together. I guess because my body is weak, those sad thoughts of failure come surfacing up.

I still remember how much I was in love with him, years ago when we first met. Everything was so passionate, forbidden, enthralling. I wanted it--hoped, and wished--that our connection could last. But it was like pouring water into a cup with holes: everything we tried to build always slipped through our fingers.

Still, the comforting moments linger and haunt me... having a companion in life wasn't worth feeling unwanted, though. I wasn't a priority anymore, and that's OK because quite frankly I was a fucking bitch at best. But not all the time. I really did try my best. I couldn't handle it, and now I'm looking forward to the future in the hopes of having better days with better love ahead. I knew in my heart that the writing was on the wall... things were too far gone for them to get better.

I hope God is watching. I hope the universe will guide me back to being a happier version of myself. What's the point to still think about a person who blocked me and would rather break up than give me space? I openly admit how I felt in that relationship and he would rather hide and deny. Again, I really cared but was at the end of my rope. I was so unhappy, I didn't want to try anymore, and he easily and happily also let me go. Such is life, and such is how things ended with this story.

Lost feelings x Lost days

Sunday, January 21, 2018

Virtual Reality

Ahh, another weekend over with. I've been tryna eat less, but it seems like the universe is working full-force against me and I've actually been stuffing myself full each and every day. Tonight I had a scrumptious Alaska king crab dinner at a lovely Chinese restaurant with family friends. It was delicious! I felt truly fortunate and blessed to enjoy such a hefty, fine meal. And last night, after work, I went over to my friend's house to hang out and ate a lovely chicken dinner with her while watching Food Battle & Prince of Stride. It's the little things in life, huh?

...So, I promised I wouldn't share this with anyone but I wanted to keep this safe here. My good friend took a photo of me on the skytrain and ended up turning the photo into a sketch. I'm obviously feelin' very flattered, as it's been a long time since someone has gifted me art. Ta-da~!

I don't normally post photos where I'm not wearing makeup, but...
My friend drew me super! adorably! 😍 #BLESSED

Life makes me live and die again, only to breathe life into me in small/random intervals. It's a suffocating life, it really is. I just want to feel things, a large variety of things! But everything escapes me these days. I'm torn between tryna chase feelings from the past, and balancing that with moving/looking towards the future.

One thing I am lamenting over, is how I'll have to cut my hair shorter due to having bleached/dyed it so many times over the years. It's been breaking and is lookin' quite thin and fine these days. I'm crying internally, but hey, it's just hair. It'll grow back in another few years lol. I'm consoling/steeling myself mentally in preparation. But hey, a funny thing about my hair colour is that people at work actually call me the "white-haired/silver-haired" girl. Which is a pretty cool nickname, I'd have to admit.

Tomorrow, I go back to living normal life. At least I can spend time with L after work, she always picks me up when I'm feeling low.

Thursday, January 18, 2018

Monday, January 15, 2018


I have a true name, and I have secrets.
Promises always get broken.

there are days where i put on the mask that people are not born with, but given
and i contemplate a variety of different subjects that most people don't care to talk about. i wonder if there is more to life than accepting the way things are. i wonder if there is a secret path to awakening, a spiritual and mental awakening, to truly show us what we are.

for myself... i sometimes feel free and i sometimes feel suffocated, like i'm drowning. i feel like i see everyone so clear, their motives, their ugliness. isn't it disheartening? i can't accept, i need to push it all away before it corrupts me.

some days i feel numb, other days are filled with acceptance, and more of them are filled with an indescribable longing.