Tuesday, May 22, 2018

Overgrown

Darn, I'm leaving Wednesday night and haven't even begun to pack. I should get on that ASAP...

I bought "Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?" and plan to bring it with me on the trip. I also noticed Jojo Moyes released "Still Me" and I definitely plan on buying the softcover once it releases. It seems like the third (and final) part of the "Me Before You" titles. Dude, the new guy in there is named Joshua. Haha... don't mind my fangirling.

Off to pick up my dog from the groomer's now.

Sunday, May 20, 2018

Deep Cleanse

We got lifted on a Monday
Then we floated away and it was Sunday
We get high up on the low down
Every day spinning like a merry-go-round
All we want is to forget
All we want is to forget
--Lifted, Allie X

So it begins... again. I am staring at a blank page and attempting to fill it with words that hold meaning. I have retreated back to this place in an attempt to rediscover myself. A timeless and repetitive ritual from the past, whenever things in my life get shaken up or aren't going as peachy-keen as I'd hoped.

Every time I read back on previous entries, there's always a twinge of longing and regret, and the same repetitive mistakes and longing for the past because hindsight is 20/20. But my eyesight has always been poor to begin with, haha. No wonder my life decisions suck.

I wasn't mature enough to handle my blessings, nor was I too appreciative of them. And it seems like everyone moves on, except me. It's been years... so many years, that naturally I feel like the only person who still dreams about how things could have been different. But we can't simply go back into the past, it's impossible.

Still, I wish I could dive back into the time of my younger self, because I used to be able to write things so easily. Things just clicked into place, whether I was creating random Neopets-based characters or writing fanfiction with my muse Natalie. I'll try and soldier on alone, because that's life, but have I always been so crippled? Perhaps, I don't even know anymore.

I realize that I don't write much about my life and life events, so I'll try and change that. Well, er... today I went to church with Jo and had lunch with him after. I enjoy participating in worship with him and meeting likeminded friends. They're doing their best to take care of me in my fragile state. I'm trying my best to understand God again.

Last Saturday there was a community day for Pokemon Go, so I met up with my Valor Group to catch shiny charmanders at the park. We brought my dog and my coworker/BFF Tim came with me. It was a great time also. Not much to say there except how blessed I am to have friends to play silly games with, haha. I have a female tyranitar named Daisy and all I need is a perfect male tyra so I can name him Berlin, after my tyranitar in SoulSilver. Man, those were the days, huh? They were for me... I have so many fond memories of playing that game.

This week I'm planning to read "Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?" for the first time, and I should probably also watch the movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind"... anything to keep my mind occupied for the time being so I don't go insane. If I'm not missing one thing, I'm missing another. It's time to get a grip on this problem.

Saturday, May 19, 2018

Time To Go

I've been listening to Canadian artist Allie X and her songs touch me in a big way. I love "Paper Love", "Downtown", "Need You" and "Casanova". Basically everything from her CollXtion II album. I wish I could use this musical inspiration to write something passionate myself, but alas. Nothing.

Does love go away? Does that fire and spark of being held in someone's arms in the dim light, that feeling of immense happiness spreading inside you, that feeling of euphoria -- is it all just pheromones? Well, yeah, the simple answer is yes. But the aftershocks leave me in cinders. Or at least it did.

It took me a long time to acknowledge that I'm the type of person that always relives the past and is stuck in the past as long as it is beneficial to my interests. Maybe others experience this and just don't say anything.

This human existence haunts me. This body and its thoughts haunt me.

I'm here dancing on the edge of the night
I'm sleepwalking with a hand full of blue dice
One Hail Mary for the hole in my heart
I'm outside waiting for your love on the boulevard

You're a heavenly creature
With a real dark agenda
You can turn a believer
To a damn dirty sinner
--Casanova, Allie X

Sunday, May 13, 2018

Smoke Signal


Sometimes, I feel like a phony. It's so easy to put on a mask and smile and pretend to be the perfectly normal, cultured woman that society conditions me (to want) to be. But inside... I feel like it's all a farce. Like the angel that others see I am, this little creature, is all fake. It's an act.

Some men may have notches on a bedpost but I have notches in my heart, and there have been many people whose hearts I have broken with a smile and empty pleasantries. Maybe people are readily bewitched by what they want to see, to a fault. I believe that.

I still want to write about something, a sad story, a story from my heart that will somehow satisfy my longing. If that's even possible given the current state of rot my brain is in...

Thursday, May 10, 2018

Captain

I re-watched "Captain America: Civil War" on Netflix and was reminded of how much I enjoyed that movie. The banter between Sam and Bucky was as amusing as ever, and I still adore Agent 13/Sharon Carter who is played by Emily VanCamp. She's a Canadian actress, and I was first introduced to her in a TV show called "Revenge".

The weirdest thing is how people always ship Steve and Bucky together in a relationship, but throw so much hate on Steve x a female character. I guess fangirls love their BL and see other females as a threat. I can't help but find that even if Steve cares about Bucky romantically (and to me, their relationship is simply one of deep friendship/brotherhood), he's bisexual at most because of his canon relationship with Peggy Carter.

I saw "Infinity War" this past week and found it acceptable. It wasn't particularly that engaging for me; I found "Black Panther" way more absorbing.

Monday, April 30, 2018

(no file attached)

Trying to write new things, but riddled with anxiety. I mean, my FE fanfic is enjoyed by readers, but I struggle to produce new content. Both in writing stories and even casual writing like this blog. I wonder what is stopping me? When I was younger I used to blame writer's block, but now I don't know if I can even consider myself a writer.

Saturday, April 21, 2018

Saturdaze

Last night, a bunch of us from work hit the bar and fun times ensued. It was really cool to have a drink and kick back with some beloved coworkers. I am grateful for the impromptu meet up, because I really needed some down time. I'm really grateful for some of the people I work with, they have always been kind to me and I am fortunate to be friends with them.

Today I woke up in a daze and went to eat lunch with my mum. We had a hearty breakfast at Cora and drank several cups of coffee. I thank the Lord for such a blissful afternoon; the sun was shining down and there was a pleasant breeze.

My pup and I went out for a stroll, and I opened up Pokemon Go again for the first time in and while and started playing. I took over two gyms near Royal Oak skytrain and before ya knew it, I had some fellow Valor teammates deposit their Pokemon in the gym alongside me.

Yeah, you know what, I do still play Pokemon Go. It's not outdated for me, as I only open the app to check for monsters once in a while. And heck, I love Pokemon and always will. :') But the main inspiration for me is an older coworker who is on the Instinct team who still plays, and seeing him play spurred me to action to play again as well.

Man, there are a lot of swablus where I live. But still not enough to get my altaria. I want a shiny pokemon, I see my friends getting the cute pink shiny mareeps... where can I get one? Haha.

In other news, my pupper is having a bit of a skin problem so tomorrow I'll be bringing him to the vet after church. I feel like this year is bringing a lot of changes in my life. I hope it's for the better but I really can't be sure. I'm mostly at peace, but I find myself doubting what the future has in store. No use overthinking it though, I guess.

Wednesday, April 18, 2018

U-Turn

A lot of new things keep developing for me in life, but I rarely have time to write about those things nowadays, as I keep saying. I find going to work and coming home and taking care of responsibilities takes up most of my time, and I am so exhausted all the time. I have very little time to pursue what I love, and even that, I don't know what it is anymore.

I've redecorated my room, made it more cozy and pleasing. Most of my days off are spent tidying up, cooking and cleaning. I go to church the Sundays I can, and when I'm not feeling exhausted, I hang out with select people. Sometimes I feel as if each day is passing by like grains of sand and I have little to show for anything. I have a lot going on in my head all the time, though I can't write whenever inspiration strikes. It's too bad.

I don't know what I'm doing most of the time. But I'm slowly finding my way, as always.

Tuesday, April 3, 2018

Easter Long Weekend

I had an eventful long weekend. Went to church service on Easter Sunday, which was nice. Afterwards, went to lunch with the small group members and had coffee with the friend who invited me. Then, I meandered my way to have a delicious Japanese dinner! I indulged in hot sake and seafood salad, real crab rolls, assorted nigiri and black cod--one of my favourite fish to eat. It was a relaxing time, and today (Monday) we slept in and went out for a hearty western breakfast.

I've been wanting to write more but I always get distracted. I can't manage more than little snippets here and there, for some reason. I've been really airheaded these days, and it's not only because I'm blond. I need to put my head back on straight. I'm always tired and even though I try to pursue my hobbies, I always backtrack somehow. I guess I don't have as much energy as I used to.

Saturday, March 31, 2018

What Is Right, What Is Wrong?

Life works in mysterious ways. Ever since I got moved to my new team a floor down, I've been sitting near a supervisor who is Christian, like myself. And we got to talking, and he invited me to check out his church, The Tapestry. I have been praying to God for a chance to become closer, but haven't really made many Christian connections in my life, so it's cool to be having someone reach out to me like this and invite me to service.

I remember years ago I went to a church retreat/event and there was a musician that played there that created a very spiritual experience for me. I don't even remember the name, now... only that it was a cherished experience of my youth. I had a photo of us together as well, but it's been lost in the files, now. Oh, how nostalgia can be a crippling and cruel mistress. I'm always caught between moving forward and delving into bits of my past to anchor who I am. But, my memory has been pretty bad, lately...

So, we'll see where life's journey will end up taking me.