Tuesday, December 12, 2017

FE Fangirl

Another Tuesday! Hello, blog.

I finally obtained a Nintendo Switch and Fire Emblem Warriors! My father and mother bought it for me for Christmas. I spent a night playing it until 6AM, and I'm in love with the characters more than ever.

Takumi is a bad-ass. So proud of that little grumpy bean; his gameplay with Fujin Yumi is intense! He's so cool. I was under the impression archers were passive and not very strong, but playing as Takumi really laid all that to rest. Wow!

And Robin... Wow I never thought he was even attractive until this game. Especially when he smiles; I can see why everyone falls in love with the avatar LOL. This is dangerous. And my, him and Chrom's support conversations? Brothers 4 Lyfe!

Speaking of Chrom, I'm low-key/high-key checking out his muscular, sculpted arm. Haha. What's with characters and only wearing a sleeve on one side? *cough*Cloud*cough*. No matter, Chrom is an awesome character and a really swell, decent guy!

I haven't gotten too many hours out of this game, but it certainly has enabled more fangirling/fanwomaning on my part. Waaaahh... ♡♡♡

On the side of reality, my friend booked her flight to L.A. and I need to follow suit soon. I spent the whole night browsing Airbnbs and I'm unsure whether we should stay in downtown or closer to my friend's house. I'm so stoked for a getaway during spring break. I've been feeling dejected all the time over many things. I can't wait to lounge on the beach and tan my sorrows away.

Friday, December 8, 2017

The Void

Me AF

I have to start doing some deep cleaning since the things in my room are a mess. I've started 3 clothing piles in various spots, and haven't swept or vacuumed. It's hard to do that when I come home around midnight every day, like freakin' Cinderella.

Father is coming home today, so I'll be happy to see him when I come home tonight.

My weekend is coming up but it's jam-packed with festivities, so I don't even get to rest. Sigh... So on Saturday my friend and I are checking out this new restaurant in Richmond. Then, I have my office Christmas party later in the evening, and perhaps I have to meet up with a friend later for her birthday celebration. Then on Sunday I have a date to go skating and do some various shopping around, and then another Christmas party. All these gatherings are exhausting me.

On top of that, I couldn't roll Shiro in Fire Emblem Heroes. I'm livid about that, because they gave me Soleil and Siegbert from the banner, but not my Fates husband/nephew. Simply atrocious...

I'm mentally planning my trip to L.A. in March, during spring break! Hopefully I can meet up with my friend of over 9 years and spend a few days as a tourist, eating and lazing around at the beach. But first... I need to shed some of this winter weight I've been harbouring. I can't stop eating these days. I want to devour everything and my body is completely cool with it. Which means, I need to start working out to burn off the excess. But I'm so tired, all the time... maybe if I start waking up earlier and go to the gym or for a run then? *shudders at the thought*

I want to start yoga again, but maybe that can wait until next year. Baby steps, if I take any steps at all... I can't wait to return to YYoga. I need to make some goals and stick to them. Like, committing to work out 3x a week?

Tuesday, December 5, 2017

Bit By Bit

The saddest thing about memories is the people that we used to know, and the person that we used to be during those times.

In my 26 years of life, I've experienced a lot of special memories that I've vowed to hold dear:

Memories of youth on a sunny beach with the family, pina colada ice cream and drying sand dollars and a huge crab in a green bucket.

Bringing home my first puppy and having that small ball of fur fitting right in my lap, kissing him and making him a mental promise that he would always have a home with us.

Sunny days on a hill with a lover, eating pate and smoked meats and enjoying each other's company passionately.

Touching foreheads with a lover during the holiday season, while the evening sky started to lightly snow for the first time.

Travelling to a new country with a friend, roaming the streets, dressed in the frilly fashion we both loved, living the dream.

I've experienced a wide array of pain and happiness. But one thing that made me feel the most "understood", was having someone who encouraged me to keep being the best I could be. To chase my hobbies, keep writing and drawing, encouraged me... building a world together. That's a rare thing to find. I understand my emotions are from romanticized memories. But the way I felt was real.

Her writing flowed so effortlessly into mine. Her art, inspiring me to create my own. Fueling my fantasies in a world of borrowed characters and alternate universes. How can I ever recover from the thrill of having a world to escape to, with someone to share it with?

I'm a fraction of what I used to be when I was younger. Not in age, but in skill. And although I've said and done things I regret, I can't take any of it back. Everyone matures and grows at a different pace. No one can blame me for living out who I was meant to be.

Still... I'm waiting for someone to make me feel something again. I'm in limbo... unable to move forward nor back. Wading through the same thing over and over again.

---

I followed you until the end
Counting every step
I did not know what was to come
But still I tried and dreamt

I wondered where I was before
I honestly can't say
This must be the love they speak of
In those myths I read

When you know you found the one to keep
Oh, we wonder how we did not see
Our eyes open when we find that love
And we heal

I could give this world away
To keep this endless high
The more I let go, the more I am whole
This time it's for real

This must be the love...

Monday, December 4, 2017

Dreams

She remembered their first date; he had worn a navy blue pea coat with a gray sweater and jeans. His blond hair was ashy like smoke, his bangs curling around his face like vine tendrils.

A feeling of awe had consumed her, as she had never seen such a striking man before. There was something different about him, something otherworldly. He was radiant and always glowing with passion in all his mannerisms and expressions.

Perhaps that was why she became so fixated on him, back in the day. She was only seventeen at the time, and he was a foreign exchange student working at a coffee shop.

The days they spent together were like a dream. Summer days, late nights.

Until one morning she woke in early December, and he was gone.

Saturday, December 2, 2017

Reawakening

The two of us were always one
At home we were invincible, weren’t we?
We’d longed to come to this town for a long time
For some reason, I remember the scenery
Embracing the beautiful sky the day we left

--Seishun Amigo / Shūji to Akira

Everything is an uncertain mess these days. I keep making decisions that throw caution to the wind. Sometimes, I wonder what will become of such a life. Other times, I don't really care. That's life though, really, isn't it?

Everyone goes through their own struggles. But me, I seem to get stuck in the past, trapped like a stick in the mud, wading waist deep through quick sand.

What's wrong with me sometimes? Why does it appear like everyone else is out enjoying fulfilling lives, except me?

Perhaps I'm being too modest; I do party, I do hang out with friends, eat out, watch movies, go on dates, get treated well. I do have a loving family, I'm spoiled and treated like a princess, no one crosses me. I have a dog, I have anything I ever wanted. I truly feel that way.

And yet, I'm drifting in a sea of indifference, nearly all the time.

Friday, December 1, 2017

Bad Girl

Hello, everyone! Today, I finally did it. I succumbed to my temptations and got another tattoo, right on my thigh.

Goodness, I'm still not used to it yet. It's basically two characters that both represent the bonds from my past, the love I had for drawing in the past, and my passion for anime art style/video games like Pokemon and Fire Emblem.

Trainer gals~

I don't regret it per se; I just miss my bare leg a bit. But honestly I must not have cared that much about them, because I went and marked them up with a big black tattoo.

The characters... Yeah, they are really resembling the high school alter egos my old friend and I went by in our dream world: Karelos Wilder and Kratalie Aurion. We had a unique friendship. We didn't always see eye-to-eye and I'm certain I wasn't the best friend to have, but... I miss having a creative co-ruler to my world. It's been a hard few years alone.

Lately... I feel like no one understands me. I have friends, but everyone doesn't seem to click with me no matter how hard I try or how hard they try. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends, but chemistry can't be forced.

Anyway, back to my tattoo... I don't LOVE it. I'm worried people will see it and judge me. There are part of it I find imperfect and wish I could change. But the artist I got it from... I really enjoyed his insights on the world and his company. I felt he lifted me up and supported me. Whatever spark in our friendship that Natalie gave me to feel loved, supported, and understood, I also felt a shard of it with Mason.

Now, I'm not getting any younger, anyway. I'm 26, for goodness sake. Soon I'll be 27 and then 30... so leg tattoo really doesn't and shouldn't matter too much. I'll keep positive and update on how I feel at a later date.

Peace, Love & Light 

Monday, November 27, 2017

Northern Wind

Kaelyn stared out the arched windows overlooking the garden. Her dark eyes were unreadable as her gaze rested blankly on the rows of rosebushes, not truly seeing them, lost in thought.

He had arranged for them to be planted for her, knowing that she favoured roses. It was a feeble attempt at consoling her; they both knew he was severely lacking in the empathy department. But he had grown to care deeply for her, and so he continued to procure things in attempts to make her happy.

"I can't believe it has come to this." Her voice was barely a whisper. A letter sat crinkled on the windowsill. She gestured to it in frustration. "That she has decided to act against us... is unforgivable."

"This was inevitable." Nero came up behind her. He buried his face into the crook of her neck, wrapping strong arms around her waist. "What did you expect, Kaelyn? That your life decisions would sit well with them?"

She allowed herself to lean into his arms. "She didn't have to bring others into this."

"I presume they volunteered of their own accord. None of them were happy that I took you from them."

"It wasn't their decision to make." Kaelyn closed her eyes. "Soleil will pay for this. I swear it."

Saturday, November 25, 2017

We Were Not In Love

Another day, another night.

Something's missing, but it's a piece of my own heart. A fragment that broke off somehow. Maybe it's embedded itself somewhere I can never find. I'm learning to be okay with that.

Life is full of blandness, full of sorrow--yet there is also a marbling of contentment, a sprinkle of happiness here and there.

The past cuts deep into my heart, shaking me to the core. The knife, Excalibur in the stone. I wonder, if the One pulls out the blade, will I be saved? Or would I bleed out?

I'm the witch. I'm the dragon. I'm frozen into stone.

And I'm okay with that.

A sad tune, a nostalgic story. What will it take for me to forget?

Your eyes, vivid in my mind. Your voice, etched into my ears.

I'm falling on my own, again.

---

I rarely write about my day, and I should probably change that. I used to write about my life in some detail, in an attempt to preserve those memories, but now I tend to only record feelings.

I miss my old blog, 7V13. But it's nice here, too. I have to say, 7V13 was more more raw, but more foolish as well. I bared my stupidity for all to see. In fact, I still do, but hopefully with a bit more grace than my younger days.

Striving to be better, I try my best to reflect on my mistakes. I feel nowhere near where I want to be. I want to figure myself out. Self-reflection is the only path to growth, after all.

In my life, I'm fairly happy with where I am. I have friends, and I'm always keeping busy. I am well-fed, and quite pampered by others. Yet, I do oftentimes feel something empty within myself...

I've thought about it, and I do want it. Happiness.

nothing lasts forever
but across time, i’ll be waving
some things don’t change

nothing lasts forever

but i’ll climb over the wall of time
and wait until you call my name again
i’ll come back
if you think of me sometimes
i’ll come back
if you cry for me

i’ll come back

if you leave a space in your heart empty for me
i’ll come back

back to you

--munbae-dong / epik high

Friday, November 24, 2017

Stale Fairytale

I don't want to leave something unfinished... but...
Sometimes, she hated him. Not him, exactly, but the way he was, his upbringing – all of that. Some days, she felt all the social rules and false pleasantries suffocated her, making her regret ever having involved herself into his affairs. Into his work life.

She bit her lip and swallowed back sour words she longed to sling at him. There was no point to, she told herself. Decisions were made, paths were set. There was no going back now. Life didn’t offer second chances. She was born into this position, and there was no changing that.

Tuesday, November 21, 2017

In Conclusion

When did I become such a Sad Girl?

Was I always one?

I feel like in the past I was a lot more jaded, but now I wouldn't consider myself so. I'm definitely a lot happier. I'm more aware of who I am and what my values are, compared to before.

But, I still sing and dance to the same sad tune, especially when it comes to people I've loved in the past. I can close my eyes and think back to those feelings.

I still look back at the door, the same door that leads down the path of my memories, and somehow expect that you'll be standing there. That I'll find it open. But it never is, it remains shut and covered in dust.

Because, I only ever turned to it when it was convenient for me, didn't I?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for only ever thinking about myself.